The hard road to an easy life.

again...

2010-08-23T11:57:00.000-04:00

i know i say this every six to eight months but i really am going to try and write on here more. so lets catch up!!!

well since i last wrote on here my ankle is doing better, my blood sugar is finally, after 11 years, under my control, the best it can be anyway. i am living in nashville and i am starting a non profit organization called it takes two to help kids. i know that is kind of vague but i will get into that more later.

so, it has been 11 years since being diagnosed and for the very first time i feel like i may be handling things with ease. i think what i had to realize is that taking one day at a time and living that day the best way you know how is all you can really do. i guess that can be applied to many different aspects of life. the way i feel now is that i have one life and everyday that i live it not to its fullest is such a waste. yes, i still struggle with diabetes and yes i still sometimes have bad days. i think now though i realize that its just one day. 24 hours. not forever. i also think i had to realize that the time i have left in this life is not guarenteed. i don't want to give up any second to anything that isn't making me happy. example, strawberry cupcakes. i really don't know why but just the thought of strawberry cupcakes makes me happy!!

well that is gonna be it for today. short and sweet but i promise promise promise i am going to take a little time each day to write. not that anyone every reads this but i guess that was a promise to myself more than anything :)

So full of emotion

2010-02-18T00:06:00.000-05:00

I don't even know what to describe how i am feeling right now. i just feel so lucky and loved and excited. I am scared, shocked, nervous, anxious, happy, and blessed. i am going to do some pretty fun and rewarding things in the next couple of weeks. i wish i had so much money so i could just do stuff like this all the time!!!!

Crossroads

2010-02-16T19:14:00.002-05:00

   Ahh. My life. 26 years, 8 months, and 24 days. In this time there have been many many smiles. There have been many laughs and there have been many tears. There have been some unforgettable moments. Ones that i would like to forget but i know will stay with me until the day i die. Many friends have come and gone leaving something with me every time and there have been ones that have been there for every single second that passed. So many talks about life, love and how to get through it all. talks about tv shows, moments in history that define who we are and what we will be. Talks about music that touches our soul and changes us forever. There are thousands of talks, laughs, and moments that i am sure i have forgotten and wish i could remember them all. In my life there has been love. Love that runs deep and love that hurts. Love from those unexpected and love that never could be returned. There have been decisions made that I wish i could undo. There have been choices that i knew without a doubt were the right ones and there were some that i had to take a minute to think over. Over these years i have grown physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have had to deal with things head on and sometimes pushed away things that seemed impossible to deal with at all.

   Ten years, 7 months, and 26 days ago something happened in my life that changed everything about me. Changed who i was, how i thought, and how i lived. I changed how i loved, how i looked at people, and how i valued things. Now if you had asked me then i would have said that it was the worst thing to happen in my life. As far as i knew my life had ended. Little did i know that it had just begun. I had no idea that i was about to go down a road that would bring me closer to death than i could possibly imagine, that i would really feel like what it was to feel yourself dying. Feel your breath slowly be taken away from you and there was nothing you could do but lay on the floor and let it. Many times i have found myself in this position. I have felt my heart hurt and beat to a race that i thought was going to kill me. I traveled down this road thinking i had a choice. Thinking that what i was doing to myself was my own fault. Not taking medicine was my own issue that if i could just get over i could save my own life. Now i know that my life had already been saved. Laying on my floor thinking that my life was gonna end or laying in a hospital bed barely hanging on was never god saving me. He had already done it. Every time i thought i had run out of time and every time i found myself praying over and over to just give me one more day to make it right, there was a voice inside me saying, "get up erin. get up. it's not over for you. this is not what i wanted for you. you have so much more to do. you have so much more to give." I got up time and time again. i got up with just enough strength, just enough time to call someone for help. i got up with a will that i never knew i had and often times i forget that i have. I got up because this life, my life is meant to do something amazing. Ten years ago i was given a gift that has taken me down such a bittersweet path. A path filled with hurt, tears, pain, love, laughter, strength, knowledge, and courage to do what i know i was meant to do. What i was meant to be.

   Right now i start another path. Today i hit a crossroads that is turning me onto another road. I have gone through the first leg of my journey and now it is time to make things happen. Now it is time to take the past ten years and use them to follow this next path. Use what i have learned, what i have gained, and what i have lost to change a view someone has, to change the way a heart beats, or to change the seemingly impossible.

Stay tuned...

Walking

2010-02-11T21:11:00.000-05:00

walking is a lot harder than i remember it. the past two days i have been walking without crutches and for the most part it has been good. of course it hurts and of course it gets swollen. the doctor says that is totally normal though. the thing that is kind of bothering me is the the sound of grinding bones or joints going in and out of spaces in between these said bones. it doesn't really hurt. just the sound alone is making me want to grit my teeth. i guess i shouldn't complain though. at least i am walking. so what if i have a permanent gangster lean. i'm cool with it. my doctor told me though the other day he was very proud of me for the recovery that i have made. he said that most people that he sees that had what i had come back months later and they have to cut off their foot or leg. i will take that to mean i am a success!!

A Hard Lesson

2010-02-10T15:29:00.000-05:00

i am just so pissed off today and i know why but i hate it when i get this mad over things i can not change. For instance, my blackberry is not charging for some reason. i don't even use the phone anymore but i was gonna sell it and it somehow sensed that i was gonna sell it and just stopped working. i found myself literally cussing at this stupid machine that wasn't gonna work either way. It makes me realize that i'm not mad at the blackberry i am just taking it out on the poor thing. I'm mad because i get so worked up over people. people that shouldn't even matter but they know exactly how to push all my buttons. i get so mad at these people and they are just going about their day without a care in the world. i get so mad at people that claim to be your friend, claim to care about you but then in the same breath forget who you are like you never mattered to them in the first place. ugh! it really makes me want to punch things. then i find it so hard to quit talking to them. Why can't i just let people go? Why can't i just cut someone out of my life if they obviously are not good for me and bring me down time and time again. Ugh Ugh Ugh!

this had nothing to do with diabetes, i just needed to vent before i exploded.

cupcakes

2010-02-09T15:37:00.000-05:00

now i don't know if you knew this about me but i really love cupcakes, even more than i love little puppies, even more than tea in the morning. i love cupcakes even more than i love justin timberlake, which is a lot. i just love the way i feel when i eat them. it is like getting a massage, while drinking tea, with a puppy in my lap, listening to justin sing to me. it is amazing!! i wish i had one right now. i wish i had a dozen right now!!! Strawberry ones are the best that i have had so far. i did have one that was a peach cobbler and it was pretty sensational. What is your favorite kind of cupcake??

Happy New Year!!

2010-01-05T00:50:00.001-05:00

It's 2010 and it is a brand new year full of so many things for everyone. some good some bad. it is a year of goodbyes. a year of new beginnings. a year of hopes and dreams. a year of birth and also death. it is so amazing to me to think of everything that will happen in this year. some things will be expected like graduations or birthdays. some will not like a promotion or affair. tears will be shed. tears of joy and tears of sadness. songs will be sung. you know someone out there right now is singing i'm too sexy by right said fred.

a new year. it's such a blessing to have this new year. i don't even care what it brings. i don't care if this year... this year could be the one that i get my yorkie. this year i get an amazing job that is unexpected. i have a whole new year. a year to make my own. 365 days to make choices, to wake up, smiling, and to do everything that i dream about doing. this year i get to chose who i am to love and i get to say this is enough when i hurt. i get to say you know what diabetes i am not gonna let you make me feel bad. i am not gonna let you take away my days or nights. i will not let you take my life and make it any less than what it was meant to be because you know what i am meant to be great. maybe not to hundreds and maybe not in amazing ways but i am meant to be great to at least one. i am meant to be a great big sister and i am meant to be a great daughter. i am meant to be a great friend and soon i am meant to be a great nurse. one day i will be a great wife and i know i am meant to be a great mom. this year will be filled with thousands of test strips for my blood sugar. this year will be filled with hours of trying to figure out what to eat, when to eat, and how much insulin to take. nights of low blood sugars and painful shots.

this year there will be more than one moment of weakness. there will be more than one moment when i say, "i can't." i can't do it anymore. i can't get up again and stumble to the kitchen to find anything that will stop me from shaking. i can't take another shot and i can't stop thinking about this disease.

i'm meant to be great though. this year i am meant to be great.

oh what to write??

2009-12-29T13:19:00.000-05:00

i literally have been sitting here for about 20 minutes trying to decide what i'm gonna write and still have nothing...

ok, i will talk about my night last night. well back up i will first tell you that on average you swallow 8 spiders in your life time. i learned this a couple months ago from a snapple bottle. frankly i was shocked and honestly a little concerned. How are these said spiders getting into my mouth and do they crawl down my throat? how am i not feeling any of this? do they happen to just fly in my mouth when i am riding a bike? going fast down a hill? because if that is the case, i can tell you with confidence that this scenario will not happen 8 times in my life! are they big spiders? tiny spiders? can they lay eggs in my stomach? these questions need to be answered for me to feel safe ever again.

so last night i was sleeping in the back room on an air mattress because my bed is not very comfortable and it is almost like a sauna in my room. so naturally i was a little uneasy sleeping close to the ground but i decided to go through with it. i fell asleep pretty quickly but woke up at around 2:00 because i thought i heard something. it was nothing. or so i thought. two hours later i awoke again to a dark object moving east over my hand and onto the bed. it almost looked like a wasp in the dark and i was squinting through my sleep eyes. i focused and took my phone to make a flashlight... and there he was. i spider the size of my fist. or a quarter. either way it was bigger than i had wanted it to be. my immediate thought was that this little creature was headed straight for my saliva glands. he was determined to be a statistic. it was his destiny and nothing was getting in his way. Well not today my friend, not today. i flicked him into the dark distance and uneasily layed back down. i woke up every thirty minutes or so to make sure my mouth was closed tight and he wasn't back for round two!! i know he is out there somewhere just waiting for me to get on a bike and coast down a hill so he can test his fate once again!!!

I hope everyone is having a great day!!

The New Year

2009-12-28T12:49:00.000-05:00

Sooo... it has been a month and a half since i have posted something on here and my last post was all about how i was going to write something everyday. Hmmm... well that didn't really work out so much. I am writing on here today though and it is probably gonna be a long one. since i have some things on my mind. so get ready to read!!

First thing, i had an amazing Christmas and i hope everyone else did as well. it is so fun to see the little ones wake up and get excited to see all the gifts santa left for them. i remember one christmas when jake and i were little and we swore we heard reindeer on the roof. the anticipation of what was to come is just so thrilling. I didn't get my puppy that i asked for but there is always next year. harrison said i didn't get it because santa just hasn't found the right puppy for me yet. he is sweet. sometimes he pushes his limits but is still really sweet.

The christmas season has not been that bad on my diabetes. mainly because recently i have decided to cut back on how much i eat. everyone's body is different and i guess mine just can't handle being stuffed with food. i did eat all the cookies and fudge i wanted, but it just wasn't the regular amount that i would normally eat. so, my blood sugars have been great! i did have a breakdown about a week or two ago and i have come to the realization that i'm gonna have those from time to time. a lot of people through these ten years have told me that eventually it will all become second nature to me. i agree that in time it will get easier as most things do but, i don't think there will ever be a day when i don't hate diabetes. most days i won't hate it very much and it will be a great day. my blood sugars will be normal and everything else goes as planned. that will be a great day. on some days though nothing goes as planned i will fall on my broken ankle while trying my best to get out of bed to treat the blow blood sugar. those days i will hate diabetes a little more than usual. i think the trick is to make the great days outweigh the bad ones. this goes for so many other aspects of life too.

i was sitting here reading all the wonderful status updates on facebook and everyone planning their new year's festivities and it got me thinking about the new year. 2010. it is a whole new adventure. a brand new, exciting adventure. i don't really ever make resolutions because by january 3rd they are already out the window. it is just another thing to feel like a failure about in my opinion. so, i'm not gonna make one but i do want to try new things. i really feel like i can do a much better job of things than what i do. the main thing i want to do better is loving people. it seems so simple of a word with a thousand different meanings. it is so easy as a society to hide or walk away from something that might be uncomfortable. for example if you see a stranger that may need help, whether it be an elderly person struggling with their groceries or someone stuck on the side of the road. how many times have you thought they look like they need some help and walked away. i know i have so many times because i was afraid. not afraid of being hurt but afraid that the situation would be awkward. i can't even count how many times i have wanted to tell someone that means so much to me that i love them but have stopped myself because i was afraid they would think it was weird. i hate that i have put limitations on showing love in any kind of way because i know how great it feels when someone unexpected shows me love. in simple little ways. i can only hope that by me changing this little part of who i am that i can maybe just make someone's day a little better. make someone see that loving doesn't have to be some grand gesture. loving doesn't have to take a lot of time or even a lot of effort. It only needs a little push from somewhere inside. a push from your heart instead of your head.

I think this new year i'm gonna write a book too. i don't know what about yet but i think it would be fun!

GAAAHHHHH!!

2009-11-12T13:51:00.000-05:00

I'm so bad about writing on here. i don't know why! i think about it everyday but then always end up doing something else completely pointless! My foot is getting better. i went to the doctor yesterday and the he told me that i was doing really great! so that was really encouraging. he said though that he was gonna put me in a cast soon, which sucks but i decided i'm gonna get a green one and decorate it like a christmas tree. pretty pumped about that. the wheels have already started turning on what i want on it. maybe i could paint my toenails like little presents! hahah!

In a perfect world.

2009-11-06T15:51:00.000-05:00

These last couple of days have sucked a little more than the other ones recently. it just seems like i am in this constant low blood sugar, or trip to the bathroom, or at a scream fest for little kids. I have no escape. I have no where to go to just be alone, or be with people my age. I can't even go on a walk because of my stupid ankle and it is just too much for me right now. It doesn't help that it is that time of the month for me and i snap at the smallest of things. In a perfect world, everything would just be a little bit easier. Everything would just go away.

Sick Day

2009-11-04T13:56:00.000-05:00

I'm calling in sick today. I'm just gonna lay in bed and watch movies =)

Ahhh, Sleep!

2009-11-03T08:39:00.000-05:00

I slept through the night! This may be or should be a regular occurrence for most but not for me. It is very rare that I sleep through the night. It has been that way for a long time too. Ten years to be exact. Well, if I want to be exact it has been ten years, six months and three days since i started showing signs of having diabetes. Waking up in the middle of the night to drink a bottle of water and go pee every hour. It was like clock work too. Every hour on the dot. It has been that way ever since. Not to that extreme as much but it is usually two to three times a night. All that changed about two weeks ago though and instead of waking up to down some water and try to make it to the bathroom, I was waking up to cold sweats, shaking, and the uncontrollable urge to eat anything I could. Low Blood Sugars! It is like a totally different life right now. It is like one extreme to another and trying to find the balance is exhausting. So, when i woke up at 7 this morning, I was a little shocked to see that it was 7. It was like something in me calmed down a little bit. Something said, "you are gonna make it through this." And as i picked up my crutches and headed to breakfast a tiny little smile of ease. A small smile of relief came across my face.

Have a Great Day!!

Obsession

2009-11-02T08:55:00.001-05:00

So, i have discovered that i have an obsessive personality at times. I may have a little bit of OCD but i don't think it is a bad thing. Like for instance i have a log book that i write all my blood sugars down in and how many carbs i ate at meals and stuff like that. I have to write with the same pen every time i write in it. It is one of those black pens with the fine point. I love these pens. I'm not saying that any other pen would not work but i started with this particular pen so no other one is good enough. I actually had to write something in it with a different pen the other day and not only was it not as good of a pen but it was blue ink. It still bothers me. I try not to think about it though. Does that make me a total freak? I think it does a little bit. On some level?

I also have found this new obsession with dancing, which is ironic because i doubt that i will be doing any of that anytime soon. I seriously though want to be a hip hop dancer.So You Think You Can Dance is one of my favorite shows! i could watch clips of these people dancing all day long! I have expressed this desire before but i don't think anyone takes me seriously. Which i can understand because i have never taking one single dance class in my life. Well, I take that back. I took a jazz class my first semester in college. I failed it. Only because it was at 8 in the morning and i just couldn't make myself get there. So, once this ankle is all better I'm for real gonna become a dancer. Then maybe i can go on one of oprah's defying all odds shows! it's worth a try!

Have a great day!

Tiny Bats

2009-11-01T13:14:00.000-05:00

My finger tips look like they have been beaten with tiny little bats! They have these tiny little bruises all over them. I have been having A LOT of low blood sugars so I have literally been taking my blood sugars like ten times a day. That is ten finger pricks a day. That is on average one finger prick, one bruise, one tiny little bat beating on each finger a day. Now, i have gotten kind of used to it but I hit one finger the other day and thought my knees were gonna buckle!!! It's rare that happens though.

The Vols won yesterday and they actually looked good doing it! Go Vols! Now the Colts need to win today!

Here We Go Again

2009-10-31T12:29:00.000-04:00

So I have decided to write on here again.

There has been a lot go on since the last time i wrote on her. Well i guess i will just kind of start with the most recent. About a week ago i moved to Indiana to go to Nursing school and to just get healthy. I don't know if you know this about me but I have Diabetes. =)

I have never really taken care of myself and it is finally catching up with me. Geez, i sound like i am 80 years old. I'm only 26!! I shouldn't have to be dealing with this kind of stuff, right? Oh well I guess that is a conversation left for God and I to work out. Anyway, because of my extremely dull and non fighting immune system i kind of got the swine flu. I don't know about anyone else but when i think of an immune system fighting away sickness, I think of these little knights with armor on and swords! When I picture my immune system though I picture a bunch of guys laying out by the pool drinking pina coladas. They don't really feel like fighting away anything. On top of the flu, I have had something wrong with my foot for quite some time now. I went to different doctors asking what the hell was wrong and why I was in pain like it was broken and swollen three times the size of my other one if not more. Every doctor had a different story of how it could be this, it could be that. Telling me basically it was because of my diabetes and would go away the better my blood sugars were. It's funny that I am choosing a career to be working for doctors. Which the good ones are few and far between. Well, i went to the podiatrist this last Tuesday and he gave me some crushing news...I have something called charcot joint. Which first of all i want to say that if any of you read this then google it, my condition is not nearly as bad as any of the pictures that they show. It is basically because of poor management on my part of my disease and what has happened is that my ankle bone is shattered. It is non existent and so my tibia was resting on my heel bone. It is pretty freaking serious but he said he can fix it. I'm in a cast though and really can't get up to do anything. Which brings us to the perfect time to write on her again!!

So...that is what I'm doing. Just trying to get better before I start school. I'm bored a lot and I'm having a hard time this first week or so because of many different things that i will get into later. As for now I'm off to eat some broccoli cheese soup and get ready to watch the little ones trick or treat! Happy Halloween!!!

The bigger picture

2008-05-28T18:36:00.000-04:00

I'm letting go. I'm ready to let go of all that has built up around me. I'm ready for my heart to beat with out having to catch my breath. I'm letting go of past relationships that i have wanted or needed an acceptance from because no man starting with my father never made me feel like i had. I was never able to let go of men that i was with because i needed for them to say that they needed me, that they were so unbelievably lucky to have me in their life, that they needed my love just as much as i needed theirs. If i never got that from them then i would hang on. hang on until every part of me, every part of who i am was gone. Well, I'm letting go. This all starts with the one person who started it all. The one person who was responsible for bringing me into this world, but had no idea what to do with the life that followed. I'm tired of hating him. I'm letting go of all the words that were spoken and all the love that was never shown. It makes my heart so heavy that i have no room to feel the love that i deserve to feel. it makes me doubt anything good that could come into my life. it makes me believe that there will never be someone who doesn't have to say they care or love me because they need my forgiveness. Well, i'm letting go. I'm for once drying my eyes to the pain of not having him love me the way that i should be loved. the way a daughter should feel like she his her dad's favorite little girl. I have an amazing man in my life that decided to love my mother the way that she deserved to be loved and he decided to take on this little girl and make her feel like she mattered and she was absolutely beautiful. I love you Bart and I am so fortunate that you decided to take a chance on loving not only my mom but me as well.

I'm letting go of the grudge i have of the cards that have been dealt to me. So, i don't have the best of hands. I have a disease that takes patience and it takes strength. It takes discipline and it takes an unbelievable amount of will power. But you know what, i have all of those things. I have an enormous amount of debt and I have things that weigh on my shoulders. But you know what, each day is a day that i can take a step. a step towards a life that is what i am meant for. I'm letting go of feeling sorry for myself because i have problems. Because you know what, everyone does.

So I'm letting go of the past twenty-five years and moving forward, looking forward with a free heart. I used to say that my heart was so broken from things in my past and i wasn't sure if i could ever put it back together but now i realize that it was never broken. It was just buried under all the things i had put upon it.

P.S. I had a great birthday!!

...it hurts

2008-05-10T23:09:00.000-04:00

I don't really know how to start off this entry. I guess i can start with the conversation that i had earlier today. I was talking to my grandmother just about things that i get confused about. She told me to just take one day at a time. She said she knew it was hard to do but what more can you do right?

The past couple of days i have been kind of sick with a cold. I wake up every fifteen minutes with a shooting pain in a different part of my body or my muscles tense up so much that i feel like ripping them out of my skin. I have cold sweats at night and go to the bathroom every other minute cause my blood sugar is out of whack. It still hurts. It will be nine years at the beginning of june and it still hurts. My grandmother put it perfectly when she said that what really hurts us the most is what we can't understand. I kind of know that me having diabetes is for something so much bigger than me. there is something placed upon my heart that no one can see. A sound that is different from a beat. It's like i'm aware of my purpose in life but right now i'm just unsure of how to get there. Do I go this way or that way? Do I stay or do I leave? It still hurts after nine years. I still wake up every morning and think is it gonna be a good blood sugar day or a bad one. I still prick my finger and flinch at the sound of the needle pricking my finger. I still hesitate right before i give myself a shot. It still hurts and even though some people may look at me on the outside and say, wow i could never do that. Erin is so strong. or, wow i admire you for your strength and courage. In a way that is true because i have had to deal with some things that some people haven't had to deal with but...

I'm still just a girl. A girl that gets her heart broken. a girl that has hurt feelings and confused thoughts. A girl that laughs at the little things and loves to play outside. a girl that gets insecure and has to sometimes be told how beautiful she is. a girl that speaks out of turn and can cuss like a sailor when it's not really appropriate. a girl that when falls gets scraped and a girl that loves with everything that matters. a girl that has to make decisions that can determine her whole life and a girl that is so scared of turning the wrong way even down a one way street.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that, yes i may be strong but it still hurts from time to time and if i am being real and honest i can't deny that. I still don't know what i'm doing and my faith is dismal at best. I still lie about stupid things and i feel like i have to hide from the ones that love me the most. I still have moments when all i want to do is be numb and never have to feel anything again. I still don't take my blood sugar out of spite when the only person i am hurting is myself. It's a fine line that i haven't quite been able to understand its boundaries yet...

The Past Week

2008-05-02T14:49:00.000-04:00

The past week has been so freaking emotional. I mean when is it gonna stop. Thank goodness i only get really crazy one week out of the month. It's like everyday i'm reevaluating my life, my relationships, my feelings and thoughts. It seems that the evaluation changes every single time i do it too.

my bio-dad told my brother the other day that it was basically my responsibility to keep in touch with him...what a freaking douche bag! I mean it's not like he has EVER taken the role of any kind of parent. Not even a shitty parent. So, it should not have surprised me but i guess it was just another slap in the face or realization that he doesn't care about his own daughter. UGH!!!!!

So, i have been toying with the idea of moving back to Tennessee at the end of the year but after careful consideration and lots of talks that really just end up going round and round, i have decided that it's not the best thing for me. Now, i say this with caution because i basically change my mind every five seconds. So, that leads me right back to Chicago but i'm gonna do a year of school here in Florida and then in May move up there. Kind of like a birthday present to myself. :)

I better stop writing before i go and start thinking and analyzing again. My blood sugar has been kind of not so good today. It's high and i can completely feel it. I think all the stress i have put on myself has been affecting it. On a positive note though i had some pineapple for breakfast, then some cottage cheese, tomatoes, and avocado for lunch with an apple for dessert. I'm getting ready to workout and then eat a healthy dinner and watch a movie. yay!

again...

2008-04-30T22:30:00.000-04:00

I'm writing on here again cause i really feel better when i write down my thoughts instead of them just whirling away in my head.

I think as you guys know i'm a big fan of love. love can heal all things. all you need is love. that sort of stuff. I'm such a fan of being in love. I absolutely can not wait to be in love again. the kind of love that you have to stay awake just one more hour cause talking for eight hours straight just isn't enough. The kind of love that when you find out his favorite thing to do is curl up and watch movies, your heart skips a beat and the kind of love that makes you feel like you are the most beautiful, most lucky, most wonderful, and adored person on the earth. that is one of the best feelings ever. I would have to say that a very close second would be eating a really good cupcake. :)

I went and saw baby mama tonight and it's probably because i'm on my period and probably cause i'm about to turn twenty-five but of course i wanted one. A baby that is, for those of you who weren't quite clear on what i was referring to. I mean i don't really want one but i kind of do. it kind of got me thinking about things. Don't jump to conclusions, i wasn't analyzing things!!! just thinking about stuff. My fear of not being able to have kids is kind of an issue with me. It's actually not that big of a deal anymore cause there are so many other ways that i can have a family, it was just a thought.

Mainly what has been on my mind and it kind of has been for a while is my bio-dad. it still hurts and i know it always will. Actually i take that back it is not really a hurt, but kind of a sting. That sounds better. it stings a little when i think of him. It stings when i think about memories. It's funny cause he was the first person to ever break my heart. Its not supposed to be like that. Your dad is someone that should never cause you hurt and its funny cause he was the first and probably the worst. I mean i've dated guys and had friends that have hurt me but eventually i stop crying. eventually i can say truthfully that i'm ok. I hate more than anything that i'll never be able to say that about him. I want so badly just to say it's his loss, he missed out but really it's my loss too. i missed out on a lot. I know its not my fault and i am so unbelievably lucky to have a father in my life that would never hurt me, because i'm his daughter. we may not have the same blood running through our veins but i know more than anything that he loves me just the same.

i hope everyone had a great day...

Blah...

2008-04-30T15:01:00.000-04:00

I woke up to my alarm clock this morning at around 8. I hit the snooze for about 45 minutes until i couldn't anymore cause i felt the uneasiness of a low blood sugar. Barely awake and hardly able to function i squeezed the glucose gel into my mouth and started taking deep breaths waiting for the feeling of normalcy to creep back into my body. It was 37 this morning, which is pretty low. My day has been pretty blah since then. my stomach has been all messed up today, which is nothing really unusual. I have just kind of felt gross all day. I have just been in bed. I've been productive but it has all been through emailing, and getting information on my chicago stuff. Since i have a laptop i decided that i really didn't need to go anywhere with it. I think i might walk to starbucks here in a little bit though. I'm really just trying to do everything i can so i don't have to sit down and pay bills or do laundry, which are probably two of my least favorite things to do. ugh!! i just feel so gross today. blah...

oh my goodness!!!!!

2008-04-29T21:55:00.000-04:00

It has been a while, i know i know. I have been getting crap from all of you for not writing on here!!! just kidding. Honestly i really don't even have a good reason why i haven't written on here. Just lazy, i guess. I have been feeling a little bit better lately. I was going through some rough patches not really knowing physically what was wrong with me. Everything was making me sick and making me feel bad. it's a little better now though. i think the conclusion may have come to be chrone's disease. At this point i would actually welcome that verdict just for the simple fact of knowing what is the matter.

So, i kind of spent this weekend lost in my thoughts about my life and i have come to the conclusion that i hate doing that. i do it all the freaking time too. I get in these moods where all i do is analyze and after i analyze for so long all i come up with is that i over analyze. I've decided that life, love, and all my happiness is gonna be whatever it is gonna be. No matter if i spend hours upon hours obsessing about it or if i just wing it. It's gonna end up the same way. Some no more analyzing for me... yeah right. I know that is what you all were thinking!!!! I'm really gonna try though.

I hope everyone is having a great week so far!!!!

Funny Stuff!!!

2008-04-13T04:44:00.000-04:00

I had to put this on here for everyone to read because it made me laugh so hard!!! Mainly because i could see myself writing something like this at least once a month!!!!

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman, sent to American
company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She
really
gets rolling after the first paragraph... This letter was named PC
Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning
letter....

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak
Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up
and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to
be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a

little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered
from the 'curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month
is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills'. Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense

mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely
realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's
testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he
thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me

to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of
cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,

were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f**king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your
tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling,
laughing, happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything

mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never
be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to
slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to
say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always....

Best,

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX

learning the hard way

2008-04-09T01:53:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm back from california and i had so much fun!!! I came back with a couple of things. A lot of clothes, an addiction to humus and carrots, some really great memories, some new friends, and the realization that i'm not invincible. While i was there i cut my foot and i didn't realize it until I saw the blood. Which means that i didn't feel it. I don't really know how much any of you know about diabetes but they always say to watch your feet because that is the first place that ends up not getting blood circulation. So, i'm sure you all can guess how i felt about the not feeling of a cut on my foot. it was kind of a mixture of shock, worry, hate, sadness, and what the hell am i going to do feeling. it was a realization of having diabetes. I have a disease. A disease that weakens my body to certain things and that is something that i eventually have to deal with. i push it away because i just don't want to face the fact that i have a disease that will continue to weaken my body to things. i push it away because i don't want to face the truth that if i don't take care of myself or even if i take care of myself to the best of my ability, i still may lose my foot or leg. I still may have heart failure, or kidney failure. i still may never be able to have children. i still may lose my life sooner than i should...

my first initial reaction was and is right now to cry. cry because of the unfairness of it all. cry because no matter how hard i try, it could still not be enough. but, crying isn't gonna make all that less possible. crying isn't gonna make me able to have kids or keep my foot from being amputated. I don't know if there is anything that can really prevent that from happening and i guess what i have had to learn is that living isn't what you do or when you do it. What you say or didn't. it's how we do everything thats worth anything. How we take each day just as it comes. How we make something out of nothing and how when we fall we gracefully get back up. How we do the best we can when we don't want to try or how we love when it hurts. making decisions with confidence even when they could be the wrong ones and most of all learning something new every day and completely different from the day before. I have a disease and although it is the biggest part of my life and yes maybe i will suffer from the complications of it. but it will never keep me from hoping for a cure, dreaming of helping chidren, loving with all my heart, laughing at small things, or living a wonderful full life.

I hope everyone is having a great week.

So.....

2008-04-02T02:56:00.000-04:00

Well of course i couldn't sleep so I'm writing on here again. I read through a lot of my blogs, which i like to do sometimes, just to remember. I learn a lot of things too when I do this. This is what I learned this time...

Life is full of so many surprises. Good, bad, ugly. Surprises that sometimes have no resolutions. Surprises that God springs on us without hesitation. Not because we have been bad or good but because its all part of it. It's part of life. The hiccups. God's way of giving us a surprise to let us know we are still breathing. A trip or a fall to let us know that we can still be hurt. A text message that says, "you're beautiful" to remember that we are loved. A disease to figure out what your purpose on this earth is. Life is full of so many surprises. That saying has never rang more true to me.

I also learned that no matter how down I am and no matter how defeated i have been I have always been able to get up. I have always been able to hold onto something tight enough that i don't lose my grip. One of my brothers friends committed suicide last week and when my mom told me about it, my heart hurt. My heart hurt to think of how lost, low, and alone he must have felt to end his own life. I know how bad i have felt at times and to think that he was probably a million times worse it made me literally hurt for him. I can't even tell you how many hours i have spent trying to figure out life, faith, and what the hell i'm supposed to be doing at times. The only thing I can come up with everytime is to love. To love God the best way you know how, and to love others the best way you can. Love yourself when you don't really feel like you deserve it. Love the things you have and love that you don't have everything you want but you have everything you need. Simply love.

There is also the saying, "laughter is the best medicine." I am such a firm believer in this. I laugh a lot and I don't think it's enough. I love it when little things make me smile and giggle to myself. For example when I see two ducks fighting in the pond. end of story. that just makes me giggle. Sometimes i just break out in a little dance. no one is around to see me or anything but it makes me laugh. sometimes i can write some really funny text messages that make me laugh to myself. sometimes out of the blue i'll do a kung fu move that makes me laugh. Sometimes i say a cuss word like I'm really mad for no reason at all, but I'm not really mad at anything. That really makes me giggle. Stuff like that is what makes life worth living, you know? I'm actually laughing right now. For some reason squirrels really make me laugh too. just watching them and imagining what they are thinking, like what plan they are scheming up. I always think they are scheming something up in their tiny little brains. I think it is because the hold their hands together really close to their mouths like they are planning something really risky. All I know is i keep a close watch whenever i'm near one!!

I hope everyone is having a great week so far!!!

California here I come!!!

2008-04-01T23:52:00.000-04:00

Ok, well I'm off to cali!!! I'm so excited I'm leaving in four hours!! I probably should be asleep but i just can't because I'm so freaking pumped!!! We are going to the price is right tomorrow and then to the ellen show on thursday so watch for me in the next couple of days being a superstar!!!! I'm having a low blood sugar right now so I hope that is no indication of how the trip will go. I'll try and write when I'm there but let's be honest I don't really write when I'm at home, so we'll see! :)

Holy Crap!!

2008-03-26T00:51:00.000-04:00

Oh my goodness I feel like my world is just going so fast. I have these mini panic attacks cause i feel like the next two weeks are
filled with so much to do. Mainly I have the panic attacks cause i'm spending money on furniture cause i'm moving in to my new place, a new car cause i sold mine for no real reason other than I didn't want one then realized that I probably still need one. I'm not in Chicago yet so I can't really take the train or walk everywhere. I'm about to go on this trip to California which is surprisingly the thing that is not really costing me much at all. I'm so excited to just get away but I have to get all my other stuff done first. I have to make sure I have all my medicine and enough of it just in case i drop a bottle of insulin and it shatters everywhere, which I have done once or twice. I was so pissed off about that. I have to go see the doctor for a drug test and a TB test for this class I'm taking. I have to make sure everything is good with my apartment like the electric, water and cable. I'm calling about a million people on craigslist for furniture. My head is literally spinning. I'm like that girl from the exorcist. It's funny though cause i feel like I have so much going on and I'm so stressed out but God always humbles me. I had a friend call me about an hour ago just in total crisis and they just have hit rock bottom and don't know where to go. It really made me put things in perspective. All these things that I'm stressed out about are actually really great, fun gifts. I also thought about my life about 8 months ago and It made me feel so sick. I hate thinking about that time in my life but I know that from time to time i need to so I know that I never want to be there again. I love everyone!!! I hope you all had a happy easter, and are having a wonderful week!!!

feeling good

2008-03-20T15:46:00.000-04:00

So, i worked out today and i feel pretty good. I just had a low blood sugar but it was nothing a little oj couldn't fix. I really don't feel like going to work tonight but i have to make the green stuff somehow. I'm getting super pumped about my california vacation!!!!! Two weeks from today! It will be nice to just get away for a couple of days. Well, that's about it for right now...

changing it up

2008-03-15T01:24:00.000-04:00

so I changed up the looks of the blog a little bit. I like it. It's a nice change. I don't really feel good right now. I haven't felt that great all day. Mainly cause i did something stupid and drank last night. I hate alcohol. It doesn't even really taste that good to me. Peer pressure man, I tell you they aren't lying when they say it's a bitch. It's a waste of money too. whatever, i'm not gonna do it anymore. I always say things and i really mean them but it seems like a week after i say them i go back on my word.
I'm going to California in a couple of weeks!!! yea! yea! yea! I'm so excited. It's only for a couple of days but i've never been and i'm totally pumped!!!!

I didn't think it could get any better

2008-03-13T08:20:00.000-04:00

So I was visiting my local starbucks this morning and i really didn't think my experiences at starbucks could get any better but today my friend was great. I walked up and ordered my tea and the girl behind the counter asked if I had ever added any flavors to my tea? Now this was something i had never thought of. She proceeded to let me know that the vanilla was quite delightful. I said what the heck, I'll give it a try. I said you only live once, right? With a little chuckle to follow. It was so magnificent. My first sip was like jumping in to a pool of chocolate or something equivalent. I'm sure I can think of a better analogy but that was the first that came to mind. Speaking of analogies. This girl refered to one of her friends like cookie dough last night. Like the first couple of bites are really tasty and leaving you with wanting more but after you've eaten half the roll your stomach hurts and all you want to do is throw up. I thought it was one of the most brilliant things ever spoken and I completely intend to use it for everyone that is in my life that fits that description.

My blood sugar was 135 this morning which is really good, especially cause most of the time my morning sugars are high! I'm actually gonna start exercising today. Now, I am aware that i say this everyday, but i am actually gonna do it today. I've started this new thing. Also, I am aware that i start something new almost everyday but it's all about trial and error, just trying to find out what is best for me! Anyway, this is the new thing I'm starting. Once a day I can have something that is not that healthy for me. For example, if i want a cupcake i'm gonna eat a cupcake. That means though that for the rest of the day I really have to be strick on what i eat. no more sodas at work, no more late night snacking. It has been working pretty well actually. Granted it's really only been one day and I cheated a tiny bit but...well maybe i'll be trying something new soon.

I have come tothe conclusion that my body is at war with itself. right now i think that my skin is winning, you know what i take that back cause i got sunburned the other day. lets see, i guess it would be my brain cause that is the only thing that is working right. obviously my pancreas is pretty much done for. my stomach is all messed up, i can't eat any artificial sugar cause it makes me really sick. ironic huh? my heart is just too big and too open so it gets hurt all the time by stupid boys and people that like to take advantage of something real. my skin is burned. i need glasses cause my eyes are getting worse. I wish that everything in my body could talk and they had conversations. I should write a play or something with that scenario. Ok I'm off to start my day! whew that was long!!!

a beautiful morning

2008-03-10T06:38:00.000-04:00

Now, i say it's a beautiful morning but i really don't know that cause it's still dark. It's 6:45 but we moved our clocks forward so it kind of is still 5:45. I feel like it is gonna be a beautiful morning though. I have, have, have to start exercising and eating better. I'm starting to gain weight and i really don't like it very much!! I have been really good the past three days or so. I was eating a lot of vegetables and salads. I snack a lot though and that doesn't help and when i am at work which is pretty much all the time i drink way to much soft drinks. I take my medicine for it but I just drink way too much. I have found that if i bring my own water that helps and if I chew gum it helps too. I had a low blood sugar at work yesterday and it was not cool. I couldn't get it back up for the life of me. I am always afraid that i will just pass out at a table. That wouldn't be funny. Something that is pretty funny though is that this girl fell at work the other day. we were closed so it was only in front of employees. It was funny, but there was one thing that made it hysterical. She had a styrofoam to go cup in her hand, and i guess cause she got scared in the middle of her fall she gripped the cup so tight that is split in half. I literally almost peed in my pants. She also took down a wooden silverware holder off the wall with her. This was three days ago and we still act it out at work. I had root beer come out of my nose last night because of it. That stuff kind of burns coming out of your nose. well i'm off to have my starbucks and plan my day. have a good one!

funny!

2008-03-09T01:29:00.000-05:00

I was just reading my last blog and I had to laugh at myself cause I think i made some really good points but in the middle of all of it, i had to throw in there how ashamed of myself i am because i screen phone calls. I mean I'm talking about all this bad stuff i do like lie and drink, and smoke. Sometimes I don't take care of myself...and screen phone calls. it made me laugh to myself a little bit.

choices

2008-03-06T02:42:00.000-05:00

One of the best things about living is that we have a choice to do anything and everything. One of the greatest gifts that God has given us is that we have a choice. It's almost three in the morning and i can't sleep because all I can do is lay here in my bed and think about all the choices i have made in my life. the good ones, the bad ones, the not so wise ones, the ones that have changed my life and the ones that have made me who i am. the ones that are small but make a big difference and the ones that i wish i could change. Sometimes having a choice can be a bad thing because it just gives a reason to make the same mistakes over again. i make bad choices everyday. I choose to not take my blood sugar, i choose not to take my medicine, i choose to get up at two in the afternoon, i choose to screen phone calls, or lie about things that could be ok with just a straight answer. looking back on all of the bad, stupid, or careless choices I have made in my twenty five years of life, make me want to hang my head in shame. It makes me feel so undeserving of everything that i have, of everyone that i have. i choose to smoke a cigarette, i choose to take a shot of alcohol, and a lot of times i rationalize it with excuses that really can not be excuses at all.

As i sit here and think about all the choices, screw ups and messes i have made, i start to cry. Not because i hate myself, but because i still have love within me. just like we have been given the gift of choice, we have been given the gift of grace. Grace from God, grace from loved ones. Such undeserving grace that overwhelms me when i think of how much of it i have. it makes me cry to think that i was given two precious gifts before i even knew what gifts were, and how after living twenty five years i am still careless with the choices i make and how after twenty five years i still take for granted the grace that is placed on me every day. I don't really know how I am feeling right now. I'm just kind of thinking out loud. I'm not really sad or down, i guess i just needed to write it down to wake me up to everything that i have been asleep to.

I have an excuse

2008-03-05T15:49:00.000-05:00

My internet has been not working very well lately so it has been kind of difficult to write on here. I have been doing ok I guess. I'm not where I want to be exactly but who is when it comes to eating right or exercising??? I had a low blood sugar this morning that was not so fun. I wish I could explain exactly how these feel. It's like your body isn't yours. It is a completely foreign object for however long it lasts and the only thing you want to do is jump out of it and it just won't let you. I hate it when it gets so bad that you start to get the cold sweats and then your whole body is soaked in a matter of seconds. It's really stupid.

After I slept for a little bit cause i was just really weak I had to run some errands. I was stopped at a red light and I saw the guy from starbucks drive by. Yes, I know what his car looks like cause I'm basically in love with him. Anyway he was on his phone and I don't know why I even wanted to get his attention but I did. Looking back on the whole situation now, it probably wasn't such a great idea to honk at him. It's like I get all flustered when I am near him and all good judgement doesn't seem to exist. Of course when I honked at him he literally had to swerve to miss from hitting the car in front of him cause he was so startled. I slowly just put my head against the steering wheel and prayed that he didn't know it was the hand lover!

Working Blows!!!

2008-02-28T14:22:00.000-05:00

I wondered when someone was gonna actually say something about me not writing on here!!! Thank you emily!! I have been so busy!! I have been working my butt off! I haven't had a day off in almost two weeks, but I'm making a lot of money so that is good. Yes, I am checking my blood sugar, and yes I am taking my medicine. I am even eating right, although I did have a cadbury egg today because it just looked so delicious. I almost got some peeps too but I decided not to for the simple fact that they make green ones now and I think that is just wrong. I'm doing good though. I had a manicure and pedicure this morning, ran some errands and had a salad at lunch. I have to work again tonight, but I have the whole weekend off!!! I'm going to the beach!!!

Hats off to me!!

2008-02-21T12:02:00.000-05:00

I woke up at eight this morning. took my blood sugar. It was high so I gave my self some insulin and then went to starbucks for me tea. While I was there I called my girl that waxes my eyebrows and she said she could see me right away and give me a facial!!! It was fantastic. I then went shoping. It has been a pretty freaking good day so far. I hate saying that cause as soon as I do something is going to go wrong. I said it anyway though! I don't really understand why it has to be so hot in Florida. I mean i really feel like people that live here would be ten percent happier if it wasn't so hot. Even early in the morning it's hot. I'm surprised that there are overweight people that live here. Sweating is like an all day thing for me. I don't even use the phrase, "I'm sweaty" anymore cause it would be always stating the obvious. My facial this morning was so nice though. She started and I was all relaxed then she put this thing over my face that shot hot steam at me. I was like you've got to be kidding me???? I'm already steamed up enough. I can guarentee that my pores were already open cause it is so hot here!!!! I have this problem of laughing at very inappropriate times. I really can't help it. At the doctors office when he is telling me something very important, in the middle of a movie when everyone is silent, when i'm having a deep meaningful conversation with someone, and today in the middle of my facial. It is all quiet and serene with music playing in the back round. It was very nice, but then all of the sudden this new song came on and it was like indians calling cattle or something. It was crazy and just completely unexpected. It's hard not to laugh at that sort of stuff, you know? Well anyway I'm gonna go have lunch maybe do some laundry or something.

well...

2008-02-20T14:56:00.000-05:00

So I just woke up and it is three in the p.m.. I have kind of a good reason though. I had three, yes three low blood sugars in the middle of the night. i do not know what was wrong with me I just could not get my sugar to stay up. The last one was bad too. I think i ate half the jar of peanut butter. I'm just kind of wiped out right now. I probably should not have slept until three though. I actually don't know how I did it because i think the little ones have formed an alliance against me and they try to see which one can bust my ear drums first. I think Lila is in the lead. She just screams for no reason at all. I just don't get it? I mean I don't remember being a kid and screaming for every emotion possible. I'm starting to think she might just stop talking one of these days. Anyway, I have to work in a little bit, hopefully I won't stay up too late so I can get back on some sort of a routine.

lets just finish off with a bang!!

2008-02-19T20:45:00.000-05:00

So lets have a recap of my day. Woke up, wait I take that back I haven't sleep yet. I'm getting pretty good at that. Went to Starbucks, had my tea. I burnt my tongue on it this morning. I was a little too overzealous. Umm, ran some errands went and ate luch with my mom. Went to the movies and abided by every state law. came home talked on the phone for about four hours, by the way my cell phone bill last month was $270. Ate some really fattening chicken and potatoes. Put on my work out clothes but never made it to the gym. Took my insulin all day but not my blood sugar. All in all i think i hit one out of the park today, and by that i mean totally did everything that i am not supposed to do. Hmmm, I did get to talk to a lot of people that I love very much so that was a great part of the day, and I can't hate on the burning hot tea cause it was still delicious. Well I guess I can just call it a loss and move on to tomorrow. Have a good night, see you in the morning!

ok...not so much

2008-02-19T16:46:00.000-05:00

So it is now almost five in the p.m. and I haven't checked my sugar but i have taken my medicine and I have eaten healthy, except for the popcorn I just ate at the movie theater. It is illegal in the state of Florida to go to a movie and not get popcorn. Who knew right? What a silly law but i was not gonna be the one to break it!!! :) I'll do better I promise. I'm going to work out and check my sugar!!!!

A new thing

2008-02-19T10:44:00.000-05:00

Ok so I'm gonna start something new and hopefully it will get me where I want to be on my diabetes path. I'm gonna start using this as my journal everyday. Just kind of a recap of how my day went diabetes wise. What I ate, how I felt and stuff like that. So here is where all of you that read this come in. Kick my butt if I don't do it. Comment to me. Make me feel bad. I won't hold it against you, I promise. I mean you don't have to be mean about it or anything. You know just a reminder that I forgot to put in my entry for the day. So this is the start of it... I haven't slept at all cause there was a lot on my mind last night. I went to starbucks and got my tea. Umm, I haven't checked my blood sugar yet and it is almost 11. I have a crazy idea that it is gonna be high. I know its a bad start, but i will get better. I'm pretty pumped about this idea, I think it's gonna help me a lot.

oh me!

2008-02-19T10:05:00.000-05:00

I am tired today. I love my siblings. They are such a joy to be around. I get the best of both worlds. I have Jake to turn to for advice, a good laugh or a good heart to heart. On the other side i have Greyson, Harrison, and Lila, which I now just refer to as a collective, the little ones. So anyway, I have the little ones who keep me entertained and on my toes. They are so innocent and just so full of life and un-tainted. They don't know of pain or hurting yet and they aren't worn by the trials of life. Hanging out with them is such a breath of fresh air. Who knew that playing transformers or having tea parties is just what you need to take a step away for reality and just breathe.

Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T09:42:00.000-05:00

So... It's Valentine's Day, which sucks. I like to call it Stupid Cupid Day. It's just lame. There is too much pressure to get someone a gift and be romantic. If you want to be romantic how about do it on a day when 50 million other people aren't doing it. I am a hopeless romantic though so as i sat in starbucks this morning I daydreamed of my cute neighbor friend, I use the term friend loosely cause in all reality all he knows about me is that I like his hands, would walk in and decide to adore me forever. He didn't show up though. As i was sipping my tea though a realization hit me, as they all do in my morning tea times with the starbucks crew. I realized that I will know that i have found true love when I am in Chicago and my boyfriend gets up before me goes out into the windy, cold, freezing, snowy, morning and walks a block to the nearest starbucks to get me my tea. That is love!!! I hope everyones day is filled with lots of love!!!

Not so black and white

2008-02-11T18:53:00.000-05:00

So the past week and a half has been pretty down. I have found myself unfocused and feeling myself start to not care again. This past weekend I went out with some friends who don't really care about me. They are the people that i work with and the ones that try to peer pressure me into drinking. Don't get me wrong it was no ones choice but my own, but the friends that really care for me are the ones that say lets go see a movie or something so i don't even have the choice in front of me. Anyway i have felt pretty bad. I haven't been taking my medicine and simply I just have started to not care again. I know that I will not get another chance at this and I am so scared that i am going to get on this cycle again. The most disturbing thing i think this past week was that on saturday I drank a lot. Not meaning to by any means. I was just out with a bunch of people and we started playing drinking games and on sunday I felt like I had felt just before I went into the hospital the last time. I couldn't keep down any water but after everytime I threw up I would chug another glass cause I was so thirsty. It was bad. I was really scared. I wish that this whole thing was black and white. I wish that i was totally into it and taking care of every aspect of my life or i was totally not into it and pretty much dead. It is a shade of gray that will never be found. A shade that has so many dimensions that no matter how you try to figure it out it just gets that much more unclear. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better start. I know that I will never be perfect, I just hope I'm good enough to survive this gray.

Cinderella

2008-02-01T22:13:00.000-05:00

I was reading in my bible study the other morning and I was so freaking emotional. It was like I would read a paragraph and a little piece of my heart would hurt with everything that was said. It was good though cause it is stuff that I really think I was meant to deal with and for so long I have just pushed it away. This time here in Florida is something that i think I am gonna look back on and really cherish even though right now I am totally hating it. There was this one thing that really hit me hard. The author wrote that what a lot of women don't realize is that God is the ultimate prince charming and so many women have forgot that she is cinderella. That just hit me so hard cause I am cinderella in a lot of ways. I have had anything but the perfect life and I have turned to so many other things to make me feel like a princess and really when I think about it, God has been the onlly one to make me still believe in that kind of love. No matter what my past has been or no matter what my future will hold. God will always be that prince charming holding my true, pure heart in his hands saying I'm here for you and everything is going to be ok.

The Walk to Cure Juvenile Diabetes.

2008-01-28T15:05:00.000-05:00

Ok, family and friends. It is getting to be money raising time. I am team captain this year for the walk and my goal is to raise at least $1000. If you want to donate online all credit cards are accepted!! :) Go to this link http://walk.jdrf.org/support.cfm?id=86969631. and type in my name it should let you donate for the walk!! Come on, you know you want to!!!! The walk isn't for three months so you have some time! I will send out friendly reminders too!

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-01-28T09:45:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness!!! I did it!!! I actually woke up this morning. Did my breathing, had a little chitter chat with god, read my bible study, got a little emotional, had my tea, then took a long walk with a fabulous little three year old girl!!!! I want to throw a little party for myself. Oh yeah i forgot some important parts. I took my blood sugar, took my insulin, ate breakfast, played princess on the jungle gym and fed the ducks!! All in all I have had a wonderful day and I'm only four hours into it. It is looking to be clear skies with the sun shining bright!! :)

Wine

2008-01-28T00:22:00.000-05:00

I personally really like wine. I know that having Diabetes doesn't really grant me all the wishes that I would like but I'm never gonna give up wine. I don't drink it everyday but there is such an awesomeness, which should be a word if it isn't already, in drinking a glass of wine over good conversation or a really nice meal. I am doing neither of those at the moment as I sit here drinking my glass. My reasoning, thinking about love. Ok, just a side note, I just typed the word "about" but i spelled it, "abooout." When I read it I totally pronounced it with a canadian accent. It really made me chuckle to myself. Anyway, I swear love is about the most messed up feeling. A close second is waking up from a really bizarre dream. I'm talking about the ones that seem so freaking real. Like so real you start second guessing if you really gave birth to a baby kitten in the middle of the night. Like you wake up, rub your eyes and literally say out loud, " Did that happen? No. There is no way... did it? Is the kitten in here some where?" You start looking around the room. Then you realize it was just one of those messed up dreams. I hate that feeling. Love is a messed up feeling just like that!!! Just the love that hurts though. The kind that keeps you up at night making you hate that person only because you can not stop loving them. The happy love is great. You never hear anyone saying how messed up of a feeling that is. You never hear someone say,"man I woke up this morning and my boyfriend had put a rose on my pillow with a note that said good morning beautiful on it. There was a trail of hershey kisses leading to a brand new puppy that was already potty trained. Sometimes he makes me so mad!!! I mean he makes me feel like I want to pull my hair out. He even held my hair back when I was throwing up from too much wine. Went to church with me and he EVEN told my mom she looked very pretty. I mean what kind of a man is he?" You never hear anyone say bad things about that kind of love. I woulld welcome that kind of love. I mean who doesn't like hershey kisses? I had a guy come up to me tonight and he was at least ten feet from me and I knew. I KNEW he was gonna hit on me. I wanted to just say, " STOP! Before you say anything I really don't think you want to use the energy to try and pick me up cause I know that I would really rather use my energy to watch this tv show than say no to you." I am too nice though so I just smiled and politely said no. The story of my life.

I'm such an idiot

2008-01-24T01:34:00.000-05:00

So I was on my way to Starbucks today. I just have to take a moment to remind you that Starbucks is one of the greatest places on earth. It's like a magical cave that when you walk in something comes over you and you really don't mind paying $52 for a 4 oz cup of coffee and a delightful pastry. Anyway, I was on my way there today and I saw the hot guy in my apartment complex turning into the same Starbucks!!! My heart started beating fast and i got really excited. I'm sure my blood sugar was hitting all time highs from all the emotion going through my body in 15 seconds. This guy is so cute, and business-like. You can just tell he has a good head on his shoulders. I'm not really sure why you can tell that just by how someone is dressed, but i like to think positive. So, he is in front of me in line right, and I decide I'm gonna say something to him. I'm racking my brain to think of anything clever to say, anything at all really. Looking back on it, probably the most appropriate thing to say would have been "Hi, my name is Erin. I think I have seen you in my apartment building." Then maybe we could have built our wonderfully planned future from there. I kind of panicked though. This is what came out of my mouth, " You have nice hands." Why? Why would I say that? Who says that? There was no, hi. No, my name is Erin. "You have nice hands." I really think I scared him. I blamed it on the diabetes. I just said to myself that my blood sugar must have been dangerously low or high, which caused every good social behavior to fly right out the window. Wow, I'm an idiot!!!

Something that I have to do

2008-01-23T23:19:00.000-05:00

I think for the past month now every night when I go to bed I say this, "I'll start tomorrow." It is so hard to do!!! I mean it!!! It is so hard. I can't wake up early, I can't exercise, I can't eat at the same time everyday, I can't prick my finger and take my shots all day long. What is even harder is just handing it over to God and saying ok I can't do this. I want so badly to do it on my own. I don't want to feel defeated. UGH!!!! Life blows sometimes...

It's only life

2008-01-22T22:42:00.000-05:00

It's only life right? As I sit here and drink my diet cherry coke there are so many thoughts that swirl through my head like waves crashing into the shore. I want to release them and unleash them but it seems that every time I try to speak them it all gets jumbled in a tangled mess of words that I have never even thought of. Life is so crazy and I have to stop myself and wonder, is it supposed to be like this? Does everyone think like this? The answer of course is yes. It's like I have too many question that don't get answered fast enough, or if they get unswered aren't clear enough. I think I ask God everyday if this is where he wants me to be. Is this what I'm supposed to be doing right now. My mom was telling me about church on sunday cause I missed it and the pastor talked about not asking God when we make decisions. Like we say, "It's ok God, I got this one. You take a break I think this is easy enough for me to handle." I believe I do that on a daily basis. When I take control of sitations that are so much bigger than me. It is so hard for me to not control things though. Obviously I have had a hard time with it in many aspects of my life and as much as I want to even say that I have control over my life I really have no say so what so ever!!

I'm at a point in my life right now where I really want to find someone to spend my time with and really enjoy their company. I want to be able to share with them and laugh with them, be crazy with them and just be completely myself with them and them love me so much for it. I pass someone on the street and think could that be the guy? I know it is stupid but it consumes me. I know people say that when you stop wanting it so bad is when it will happen, but do we ever really stop wanting that?

I'm 24 and it breaks my heart that at 16 I had to face some things that most teenagers don't. What breaks my heart even more is that after 9 years of day in and day out of fighting a disease that i can not beat I still make the same mistakes. After almost dying not once, not even twice I still creep up on the idea everyday. In a sense a lot of me was already dead but my heart was still beating. i still do not take care of myself the way I should. I pray everyday for God to show how to do it, how to get through each day, how to be so strong and so steady to stay in a routine that does not fit everything that I want to do. I pray cause i just don't know. I'm not certain about anything. I'm so confused and so unsure of my life it's like I am trying to glue back a broken heart with all the wrong kinds of glue. It holds for a minute and then just falls apart again. I desperately want to find that glue that actually holds for a lifetime. I was watching a show tonight on eating disorders and for a moment I wanted it back. I wanted the control of knowing exactly what i was doing to myself. i started to cry cause how could anyone ever want that? How could anyone especially someone who has been so blessed to want the life of total hurt and a life of total darkness. For a split second I wanted the control back.

Like I said before I have so many questions that the answers just aren't coming fast enough. I try to figure them out on my own and I end up going around in circles like a dog chasing his tail. Some days i have enough faith for a whole city and then some days it seems I don't have enough faith to open my eyes in the morning. Questions and prayers that are sometimes answered with out me even knowing it, are the little gifts that I take for granted everyday. I don't know if I am supposed to love, live, laugh, cry, hope, or dream. There are so many things that i am unsure of and there are so many doubts that creep up in the middle of the night, but one thing i know is that I am alive and i can choose to love, live, laugh, cry, hope, and dream. That has to be worth something...

I think i have a fever

2008-01-21T23:40:00.000-05:00

oh yes!!! once again i feel the sickness coming on! It is actually a blessing i guess that i can tell when i'm getting sick. This way there is no element of surprise. My whole body hurt tonight. I was so grumpy at work. I'm sure all of my tables hated me. The feeling was mutual believe me. There was this one table though that was so awesome. They were british and I totally wanted to sit and chat with them. I wanted to talk in a british accent too!! There is also this gut that i work with, he will be called the opossum for this blog. Mainly because i hate opossums and they are scary and very mean looking, just like this guy. I really don't have a story to go along with the opossum. I just don't like him and he made my night very unenjoyable. Ok, so tomorrow is the day that i will get up when i am supposed to!!! Tomorrow is the start of really getting up! I guess i better go to sleep then...

Three Things

2008-01-18T04:13:00.000-05:00

There have been three things on my mind lately that I am going to share today...

The first being kind of on a lighter note than the other two. I have been thinking about my relationships in the past and how they had good moments, sometimes even great moments but it was nothing that lasted a while or filled me up. I was never just completely full of greatness. So I have been watching A LOT of chick flicks in the past week or so cause I am definitely a hopeless romantic. I mean I go to Starbucks cause i really like their tea but secretly hoping that a tall handsome guy is gonna come in and say a charming line that will lead to our huge wedding and wonderful life together. I seriously think i have it figured out that i will meet a doctor at starbucks and then we will fall in love and have lots of gorgeous babies together. Basically I am just setting myself up for failure here but its still fun to think about while I am sipping my tea.

Ok the second thing is about religion. I desperately want to have so much faith. I want to have faith that God has a plan for me. I want to have faith that this is exactly where God wants me to be right now. This is hard to do for many reasons. The first being that with my personality it is difficult for me to not be in control. I mean even when I am with a group of friends and it is not my turn to talk or say what needs to be said, I get antsy. I really don't know if that is how you spell "antsy," cause to be honest I don't think I have ever used it in a sentence. Interesting. Anyway I'm a control freak and it is hard for me to put everything i believe in or trust in to something that I know not that much about. I know God and Jesus and the basic stuff about the bible. I took a class on religious stuff in 8th grade. Just thought I would share that. So, I know stuff but it is the concrete facts, that this really did happen and that the bible is not just some made up book by some guy on the street corner. It is hard for me also to sit and doubt God in any way cause lets all be honest here I probably should have been dead six years ago, biologically speaking. I really do have a sense or a feeling that this is the path that I am supposed to follow. In my heart and soul and everything about me is saying, "Erin you have Diabetes for a reason, and its not to wake you up in the middle of the night to shaking, sweating, or crying. I know its not to struggle through life just for the fun of it. There is a bigger reason for me. I know that. I know that without a doubt. So, then I ask myself why do you even for a second doubt anything about God. I have no idea and that is what frustrates me.

The last thing that has been on my mind does have to do with diabetes. A couple things. The first being about this girl that i work with. I just can't get over the fact that I have been her. I was her and i feel so deeply for her cause i have been in the dakest place and have felt so unbelievably low like i know she feels. She can hide it well but you know, so did I. I can just look at her and know what she is feeling. She is a nice person and it kills me that someone has to go through life feeling thst way. Feeling like there is no way out or no better way. The second thing is my health. I can feel it slipping through my fingers again. Not my actual health. I'm not sick or anything. Just the overall what i should be doing and what I shouldn't. I'm not eating when I should. I'm not taking my blood sugar like I should mainly because test strips are so damn expensive. I really think if I had a very large sum of money I would be happier. I know all that nonsense about money doesn't make you happy, but listen to this. I would be able to pay for all my medicine and supplies. I would be able to afford good and healthy food. Last i would higher a personal trainer. Having all that taken care of for me would definitely take some weight off my shoulders. I'm not even famous!!!! I don't have to have the nice body, I just have to do it to live longer. Anyway enough of my rambling!!

The first diabetes support group is tomorrow!! Wish me luck!!

I want to have my cupcake, and eat it too!!

2008-01-17T12:37:00.000-05:00

I think this is gonna be the name of my book. I think it is kind of fitting. Today i am filled with so many thoughts, worries, doubts, excitements, and the list could go on and on. I just got back from my bible study and there are so many feelings inside me right now. I am so excited to be going on the journey that i am with such an open heart. I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life that i am feeling just free and open to what God has in store for me. I am nervous about the support group on Saturday. Will anyone show up? Will a hundred people show up? Will I be able to help anyone? It is just kind of stressful to put it all together but in an exciting way, if that makes sense? I am still struggling so much with getting up in the morning. I'm telling you my body just does not function until at least 10. Even if I am awake earlier than that i promise you don't want to talk to me cause chances are i will just give you a look and a one word response that will make you feel like an idiot. I know that is so awful but it is my truth. I admit it and apologize for anyone that has ever experienced or will experience my morning wrath. I am off to Starbucks to try and have a moment of thoughtlessness?? Is that even a word? If it's not, it should be!

Thoughts

2008-01-15T20:14:00.000-05:00

So... I have been slacking some on taking care of myself. It seems like I complain about this like every second of everyday and i feel like everyone is thinking when is she gonna get the hang of this. To be honest I don't think I ever will, and I don't think I'm supposed to. My mom used to say that this wil eventually become like brushing your teeth. Honestly there are still days sometimes that i forget to brush my teeth so that statement really doesn't help me out much. you know how when you try to walk in water there is a slight resistance? That is how i feel all the time. Everything I do. Everyday. I feel like there is a slight resistance. It takes just a little bit more energy, a little more strength, a little more patience, just a little more in general.

Good News: I got the flyers done today for the support group. I have a really nice place to have it and I'm super stoked!!!!

6 a.m.

2008-01-14T16:36:00.000-05:00

I hate this time of day. Something happens to my body everyday at this time. I think it litterally goes into a comma until at least 8. I have the hardest time getting up!!! Yesterday i got up and did my breathing and started my yoga and the next thing i knew it was 10. I somehow fell into a comma again!!! I think i'll get the hang of it one day!!!

Back on Track

2008-01-10T23:22:00.000-05:00

Ok so once again I'm gonna try really hard to get back in a routine. It is so damn hard to get up at 6 a.m. though. I mean come on!! it is the only time of day i can exercise though. Not only do I have to wake up early, i have to go exercise too!!! what a bummer man!!! I know i have to do it. I got up this morning at 9 and i have to get up tomorrow at 7, so maybe by saturday i can make myself get up at 6. I'll let you know how it goes.
I am also gonna start up the support group up that i was gonna start way back when. i just think it will really make a difference. If it doesn't i will at least know i tried!!! Well i am taking a test tomorrow for my CNA class!! Wish me luck!!

Resolutions

2008-01-09T23:03:00.000-05:00

so, it's a little over a week into the new year. I am so pumped about this year I can hardly stand it. I have so many big plans, now just have to follow through on them all. I know a lot of people say they never make resolutions cause it is just a big set up for failure and i don't think there has been one year that i have actually stuck with any of mine. I'm making quite a few this year just so i know that at least one of them has to work. Here they are:

1. I am going to do at least one thing that makes me happy everyday. It doesn't have to be a big thing, just somethimg to make me smile.
2. I am going to change at least one thing that is bringing me down everyday. Again does not have to be big things, but it can be.
3. I am going to save 20 to 25 thousand this year. 10 of it to go towards my move to Chicago next January, WOO HOO!!! The other 10 to 15 to go towards my hospital debt, or just my debt in general. This one is gonna be really difficult but i know i can do it.
4. I am going to stop dating losers and start dating really nice doctors. This one is just for fun but I think i can make it happen.
5. Lastly of course it is to take care of myself. To really try my best to stay healthy. This is an every year resolution though.

On a different note I met a girl today that has juvenile diabetes. She is 19 and was diagnosed a year and a half ago. I literally wanted to cry for her because she is in the stage that she really doesn't care about herself or her body and she is damaging it so much by not taking her medicine. I was with her for about four hours today and I saw her eat a huge ahi tuna salad, a huge sirloin sandwich, some coconut shrimp, and about six cokes. She weighs about a hundred pounds too. I just wanted to scream for her cause I know exactly how she is feeling emotionally and physically and it is such a dark place to be. She told me that she just wanted to die. She would rather be dead than live with this disease and it breaks my heart because she will die if she continues on the path that she leads. I struggle everyday. I struggle to take the shots when they hurt and i struggle to deal with the lows in the middle of the night. I thank God though that I actually have a second chance at this and I hope that she realizes how precious her life really is before it's too late.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Year!!!!!!

Reality

2007-12-17T22:31:00.000-05:00

Wow. I'm so mad at myself right now. I really need to find time to write on here more. This blog is gonna be kind of long cause there are a few things that i want to talk about.

First off, I am feeling better. I think I owe that to family and Christmas time. I spent the weekend with one set of grandparents and it really made me happy. Growing up, Jake and I did not get to spend a lot of time with all of our family because we had so much!!!! I mean we have three sets of grandparents alone!! We both know that we had no control really of who we got to spend time with but I really do regret not being able to spend more time with my grandmother on my dad's side before she passed away. This weekend was just really fun getting to know just a little bit more about my grandparents. How they met, how they fell in love, and just stories of their past. It just made me really happy. I also got a Starbucks mug which really made my heart sing!! :)

I say that i am feeling better, which is true, but I am not feeling great. I constantly struggle with taking care of myself. It blows my mind cause I don't even know why. I mean I am talking about life or death. If I do not take care of myself I will die. It's pretty black and white. Any person in their right mind would just do it, which leads me to believe that I'm not really in my right mind. I just don't understand. I was praying to God today just asking why I can't just take care of myself. And just now, I'm talking like seconds ago he answered me. Plain and simple he answered with, "Well Erin, you are lazy." It's true. I'm lazy and I want to take the easy road. It is so fucking hard to get up everyday and be a diabetic. Excuse my language but I wanted to have a firm word to make a point. It's hard and I am lazy. I am naturally lazy at pretty much everything. I used to just say that i was really layed back and kind of a go with the flow girl. Really though I'm thinking I might just be lazy. I get in these moods though when I'm not lazy and you better look out cause I can make plans, outlines, and lists like you have never seen. Then i get lazy again and never follow through. It's a harsh reality, I know. I have to make a change though. I'm not ready to die yet. I've got too much to live for.

I was talking to one of my really good friends last night. He is actually the one that pretty much saved my life. He is such an amazing guy. I swear he is like the wisdom above all wisdom. First of all he is so unbelievably smart and no matter what I am feeling he can just say three words that turn everything around. I mean I have heard these three words all my life but for some reason when he says them it just clicks. He said, "God loves you." Thats it. That is all he had to say and I felt pretty sure that i can do anything. He's pretty freaking awesome if you ask me!!! :)

So anyway, I'm working two jobs, staying busy and trying to save money. I will be in Chicago again!!!!! Sooner than later anyway. I love everyone that reads this and I really love the constant support!!!!

Once Again

2007-12-11T23:38:00.000-05:00

I kind of feel like I fall really hard and then find the courage and strength somewhere to get back up and dust myself off. its like there is this little person inside of me that everyday fights a boxing match and at the end of most days she feels like she has lost and even if she has won for that day she is too exhausted from the fight to enjoy her victory. This little person really amazes me because everyday she wakes up inside me after I am usually the one that has knocked her down time and time again. She wakes up everyday ready to fight her fight for the day. Part of me cries when I think about this little person inside of me because of the strength she has day in and day out. I really have to sit down sometimes and realize that little person inside of me is my heart and my soul. Some days i feel so defeated and so warn down that its hard to get up again, but once again that little fighter in me, that little boxer that gets up everyday is once again ready to fight her fight...

Scared

2007-12-10T23:32:00.000-05:00

So I haven't written very much lately. I am mad at myself for it. I found myself today feeling bad. Not physically. I guess more on an emotional side. A little over three months ago I was almost dead. I didn't really even feel it though. I had become numb to my disease. I had become numb to my pain in a lot of areas of my life. I had taken everything that hurt me and pushed it away and filled it with things that gave me a temporary happiness. I made a choice three months ago to actually start living my life. I knew that with that would come feeling again. Feeling the pain of a collective twenty four years. The pain of not having a father. The pain of losing guys in my life. The pain of losing friends in my life. There have been quite a few people that I let have a piece of my heart and they just took it and threw it away like it was a piece of unimportant paper. I knew that I was especially making a choice to accept the pain that has wieghed the most on my heart and that was the total denial of what was going on inside of my body. I have a disease. I have a disease that will last a lifetime. It makes me feel shaky, it makes me want to cry. It makes me want to punch in a wall. It makes every aspect of my life just a little more difficult than the rest. I want to scream at the top of my lungs until I can't breathe anymore. Tonight I'm scared. I'm scared to lose my life again. I'm scared because for the past week I haven't been taking care of myself and I'm scared because I don't even care. When I was in Nashville three months ago it was awful. I'm not gonna lie it was bad but, I was numb. I never felt a thing and although my heart was breaking, it was never hurting. So, what is better? feeling numb to everything, or feeling the hurt along with the happiness. I'm not so sure anymore. I'm scared. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want it to be difficult. I'm scared to hurt people that I love and I'm scared that no matter what I do or how great my life will ever be, no matter how much help, love, family, or prayer i will ever have, it may never be enough. I have a disease that i want to feel numb to and i'm scared that i will make the same mistake again. I'm scared that I have let it take me over and i'm scared to really feel what it is inside of me that hurts...

It's been a while

2007-12-07T21:20:00.000-05:00

It has been too long since I have written anything on here. I don't really feel like writing right this second but I just wanted everyone to know that I'm alive and kickin'!!! Stay tuned for some great news!!!

Life

2007-12-02T18:46:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here thinking about just how precious life is. How it can be taken in a split second without warning at all. You know I was thinking about when we see on the news of drug dealers, or people that do bad things to other peoole. When we see that their life has been taken away sometimes we don't even blink an eye. When we see rappers get shot in some kind of drug war we don't even feel sorry. When we see someone like princess Diana's life get taken away the whole nation mourns. Why is that?? Is it not just as wrong when a person that may have made some mistakes in their life has their life taken away? They have a family. They have a mother and a father that now have no child. They have a friend that will miss them everyday. They had a life and whether it be filled with trying to help eveyone around them as much as they could or whether it was filled with rights and wrongs along the way, it was a life. A human being. A breathing, feeling, hoping, soul that will no longer be. All of my thoughts and prayers are with my family right now, and i can only hope that God will give strngth and courage to those in need.

Disappointed

2007-11-29T22:05:00.000-05:00

Ok I happen to know that there are poeple that read my blog everyday and I also happen to know that some of those people can be very witty. So, my question is why haven't i had one response to my request to help me with finding new names for my high and low blood sugars. I'm just gonna have to go ahead and be honest here and say I'm a little disappointed!!!!! my blood sugars are pretty steady right now, which is good. I am so proud of myself cause I have been doing so great at working out!!! Yay!!

Cheating Destiny

2007-11-28T09:24:00.000-05:00

I wrote on here earlier but I just had to write again. I was at Starbucks this morning drinking my tea and reading A book called Cheating Destiny. The author is James S. Hirsch. It is an eye opening look into the life of a diabetic especially a two year old boy. Everyone go get this book. Go to your library, go to the bookstore. I don't care just go get this book. There are so many of you that read this daily and only know what Diabetes is like from my blogs. This man in this book says everything that I have ever wanted to say and so much more. For all of you that are getting me presents for Christmas, don't. Instead go get this book and read it. Simply knowing what my life really is day in and day out means more to me than anything. The little boy in this book is the whole reason that I am going to school and he is the reason that i want to become someone that can help. Someone that can understand and say, "this is gonna hurt but, you can do it." Please, please, please read this book and maybe everyone will understand at least one tenth more of why it is so important to educate people about this disease and the overall importance to finding a cure.

It's Early!!!

2007-11-28T05:41:00.000-05:00

It is almost 6:00 a.m. here in good old florida. I am trying to get up earlier cause i feel like so much time is wasted by sleeping in. Even if I get up at around 10:00, which is like four hours earlier than what I was getting up at, i still feel that there could be so much more to do. Even if it is to watch cartoons with lila. listening to her laugh makes me so happy and I would miss it if I slept in. Doing yoga and breathing slowly in and out for twenty minutes is one of the best things I have ever thought of doing. I don't know why but it is such a sense of peace. I could have a low or a high blood sugar but when i am in that place I don't have diabetes. I have no problems at all. All i feel is every inhale and every exhale. Speaking of low and high blood sugar, my mom and I were trying to come up with some different names to call them. For example, if i was having a low i could say, "I'm having circus show right now." or if i was having a high i could say, "well i have to go into the office today" so I'm not to happy about that. Fun stuff like that. Anyway, we haven't found anything really awesome yet. So, help me out. Put your thinking caps on and give me some ideas! Thanks!

Starbucks

2007-11-25T13:00:00.000-05:00

I am totally in love with Starbucks. It is one of my favorite places on earth. Just imagine my excitement being in a starbucks on Michigan Avenue on my break from teaching little kids how to manage and deal with their diabetes, looking at a picture of my toy yorkshire terrier in my totally amazing apartment. It makes me giddy just thinking about it. I can't wait!! ok, enough of my daydreaming. Starbucks is just such an awesome place. The chai tea captivates me as i watch the different people walk out with their little pieces of heaven in styrofoam cups. The music is so soothing it just makes me want to sink into a plush, over sized chair. Which they have there. Who cares that it is so ridiculously over priced. If it brings me even a moments sense of goodness, i'm gonna take it. I'm gonna take it and pay whatever they want, no questions asked. I got my tea for free today because they couldn't break a hundred dollar bill. I was just so thankful. That is the only word that I can think of. Thankful that my world is a tiny bit better because of my wonderful friends at starbucks!!!! I hope that everyone finds there moment of goodness today...

I get to

2007-11-23T19:29:00.000-05:00

Earlier today I found myself smiling for no reason at all and for so many reasons there are to many to count. I realized that i get to...

I get to make my sister smile. I get to breathe. I get to walk and see and smell. I get to taste some of the most amazing food. I get to feel what its like to love with all of my heart. I get to eat a cupcake. I get to listen to music so unbelievably moving it brings me to tears. I ge to laugh at small things. I get to watch a squirrel run up a tree. I get to have my heart broken. I get to learn from my mistakes. I get to have second chances. I get to play on the playground. I get to have freinds that will listen. I get to sleep in a bed. I get to be beautiful. I get to use a computer every day. I get to write exactly what I'm feeling. I get to drink starbucks. I get to shop. I get to want things that aren't needed. I get to eat my mom's mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving. I get to cry when I want to. I get to change my mind. I get to dress up. i get to drink a glass of wine. I get to have good conversations. I get to work hard for the things I want. I get to have dreams and goals. I get to eat a peanut butter and honey sandwhich everyday if i want to. I get to be with my family everyday. I get to take hot showers. I get to swim in the ocean. I get to be mad. I get to be sorry. I get to be loved. I get to pick flowers. i get to drink tea. I get to sing in the car. I get to smile when I'm happy. I get to light candles. I get to smell christmas trees. I get to be anything i want to be whenever i want to be it...

I get to just because. Think about all the carzy wonderful things you get to do just simply because you get to. I bet it will make you smile too.

Busy Bee

2007-11-18T16:26:00.000-05:00

I have been so busy lately it has been really hard to write. Things are on the up and up though. I'm feeling better. Exercising everyday. I went to my doctor last week and he gave me like ten bottles of insulin for FREE!!!!! That was so nice of him. They are expensive especially when you don't have insurance. He is awesome too!!! He changed my dose of insulin and my blood sugars have been significantly better. I am liking my job somewhat. It's better than nothing, I'm making money, and it keeps me busy so I can't complain. Well Anyway I'm off to exercise...

Thank You

2007-11-16T16:05:00.001-05:00

I thank God that I am alive today.

Faith

2007-11-15T10:04:00.000-05:00

One definition for faith is the firm belief in something for which there is no proof. For some people faith comes easily. The optimistic, the hopeful find it easy to have total and complete faith in something to which may not be true. So many people have faith in so many different crazy things. They find it easier to put their faith in something other than themselves. It is easier to believe in something that so many other people believe in rather than taking the chance to believe in someone. The last week or so I have come to realize that having faith in anything requires you to really have faith in yourself first. Truely believing that inside yourself there is something that is gonna make a difference. Once I have that faith then no cold, flu or any illness will be able to stop it. Jimmy Carter once said,"I have one life and one chance to make it count for something...I'm free to chose what that something is, and the something I've chosen is my faith. Now, my faith goes beyond theology and religion and requires considerable work and effort. My faith demands-that is not optional-my faith demands that I do whatever I can, wherever I am, whenever i can, for as long as i can with whatever i have to try and make a difference."

Day by Day

2007-11-13T14:15:00.000-05:00

It's been a couple of days since I have written on here. Things are getting better. Physically each day is getting better, so that makes it a little easier for my emotional state. It's just really hard. I'm not patient at all and I totally want to take things too fast. I have to realize that my body is trying to recover from eight years of abuse and it's not just gonna bounce back in a couple of months. I'm geting there though. That has to count for something...

Hmmm....

2007-11-10T16:52:00.000-05:00

Well today has been better. I guess that is all i can say. I wish that i could write on here that everything is great and awesome but it's just not. This is the toughest I think it has been since really deciding to better myself. Physically today has been pretty good. I have had this weird feeling in my body all day long but it isn't really a bad feeling just strange. Emotionally I haven't cried today which I think is a good thing. I found myself alone in my thoughts a lot today which is also a good thing. Not only was I really sick this past week but my thoughts were all cloudy and so unclear. Clarity is such a beautiful thing. I wish I had more of it, more often. Well I guess that is all I have today. I knew this road would be hard when i chose to take it and I knew that there would be times of absolute madness and i chose to take it anyway. I know in my heart there will come a day when I can just breathe with ease and think wow look how far I've come...

Obviously

2007-11-09T20:43:00.000-05:00

So, as you can tell I have not had that great of a week. just when I can feel the warmth of the sun again the clouds seem to cover it up. I wasn't sure if I was even gonna write tonight cause I'm feeling pretty bad. I'm feeling bad in pretty much every way. Physically I want to kill my body. Literally I'm done with it. I'm gonna be honest here and go ahead and say that this past week I have thought about just quiting, giving up, throwing in the towel and bow out gracefully. I guess that is why this week has been so hard because my body is done, it does not want to play this game of life anymore. My heart and soul have been pushed down into the mud and walked all over, but each time they get up. Each time they find something worth getting up for. It really amazes me what I can be put through and my heart as broken as it is, keeps beating. I had a chat with God earlier and I said, "I know that you have great plans for me, and I know that this is something that i have to go through to do these great things. I know that in order for me to do wonderful things this pain is gonna hurt, but please just let me breathe. Just a few moments just let me breathe." I guess I also want to ask of anyone that reads this if you are religious or not just pray for me. Just pray that I can breathe for just a short time. I know that although my heart has been pushed in the mud, bruised and even broken a little, it's a fighter it just needs a little help getting started once again after a pretty hard fall...

Not Yet

2007-11-08T22:22:00.000-05:00

Well I jumped the gun on that last message. It is like I am playing a game and just when I think my luck has seemed to be up, I lose a turn. It is so frustrating. I did feel better today but I have little spells where I just feel so bad, nothing like it was a couple of days ago. I mean I'm not rocking back and forth in a little ball, sobbing while I try to plead to God to make it stop, but it still sucks. That is just plain and simple. Having Diabetes just sucks, and it is something that I live with. I'm strong and I have become that way because of what has come my way but it still just sucks. Well another day lived is another good day I guess. Thank you to everyone for CONSTANT support. I would never be me without you!

Getting There

2007-11-07T18:26:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling better today. Although yesterday i felt defeated, I have made it through once again. I am just glad it's over for now.....

Low Points

2007-11-06T16:09:00.000-05:00

I am sitting here writing this through swollen teary eyes, desperately pleading and praying to God to just make it better. If not forever at least for now. I just really wonder to myself how many times can one person be broken before they can never be put back together again? The pain inside me has grown into something that i can no longer bare. Physically, emotionally, mentally, there is no escaping it and I feel like I'm drowning gasping for air. Reaching for some surface and at times I feel it and it is the best damn air imaginable. Just when I get a taste, a thought of maybe things will be ok a wave comes and knocks me down again. I know that I am so unbelievably lucky to have the support that i get day in and day out. That is what keeps me swimming, but I'm tired. I'm treading water here with no sign of a shore. I'm breathing in deep with no oxygen.

Super Sick

2007-11-05T19:30:00.000-05:00

Man oh man...I AM SICK!! It is just awful. I mean I have been really sick before like deathly ill but i feel like my body has just been thrown around like a rag doll. I cried today,well it was more like sobbed. I'm not really sure if i have ever cried like that before. I just really really felt defeated. My diabetes got the best of me and I was over it. I think that I am really good with words but somehow i just can't figure out the way to explain how i physically feel sometimes. It's awful. its almost like the feeling you get when you are running and you feel like your legs are gonna give out and each breath you take is just another struggle to take the next breath. The feeling of almost to the point of passing out, but trying to hang on. The feeling that everyone of your nerve endings are like fireworks constantly going off for hours. The little stabs of pain hurt so bad i twitch. Every muscle is sore and stiff. The cold chills are rough, and the fevers make me feel like my skin is on fire. I just couldn't do it today. I was down for the count. I lost this round and in my heart i feel today that i will probably lose the match as well...

Stupid

2007-11-02T16:23:00.000-04:00

Ooohhhh I hate my diabetes, Ohhhhhhh I hate my diabetes, Ohhhhh I haaaaaaate my diabetes. That was a little diddy i just cooked up for you guys. I just had to spend $200 on my insulin. That I really don't have. Do you realize what you can get for $200? I could have gotten my hair cut and highlighted. I could have bought a cute pair of jeans. $200 could have bought me like 1000 cookies. So, I'm taking donations for my diabetic fund. No, I'm just kidding. I mean I would take the money, or gifts if you prefer. No, I'm just kidding again. Seriously though I would accept it. just a thought. I have to go exercise now. Just another thing that my stupid diabetes makes me do. It's not like I wake up and think oh I think I'll go run a few miles today. I need to trim off a few pounds. I wake up and think, well I guess I better go run for a while so I don't die or anything. Maybe I'll take a walk today so I don't have sugar spilling out into my pee. I should probably swim a couple of laps so my blood won't turn to acid. It's fun thoughts like those that get me pumped about my day. I think I'm gonna get a punching bag and paste signs on it that say things like, "dry mouth", "peeing every 15 minutes", No cupcakes", "Exercise", "Low blood sugar", "High blood sugar", "Shots (not the good kind)", Blood sugar (for the simple fact that I even have to know what it is)." I bet then it would be easy for me to exercise. I would just go hit that all day. I really want to be mad at someone, just anyone. Like I want to just go in the grocery store and as someone is passing by look in their cart and point out the things that I can't really eat, while yelling at them. Just screaming, " I can't have that, you wanna know why cause I have diabetes!! Yeah I have diabetes so that makes me mad at you!! Now get out of here!!!!" And then while they are wheeling away I mumble, "Stupid Chronic diseases." They would look back at me like I was crazy and I would just yell, "I SAID GET OUT OF HERE!!!" I think that would make me feel a little bit better about things...

Remembering

2007-11-01T15:19:00.000-04:00

I'm having kind of a gloomy day today. It hasn't really been that bad of a day I just have been going over in my head some memories that hurt somewhat. I think that part of moving on is realizing that your past is part of who you are and i think that in order for me to live the way I want to I have to go through some of these memories and lean to let go and forgive. The memory that has been going through my heart and mind today is probably the most haunting. Just over two months ago. My body was dying and had limited time left. My mind was practically already there. I would only be awake for as long as I had to be, which was to go to work so I could make the cash I needed to go right back into my self induced comas. I was living off peanut butter, honey, frappacinos, and chicken wings. That was basically all I would eat. Oh and a lot of McDonalds. I can remember laying face down with barely any clothes on but I was still so hot. Every breath I would take a short sharp pain would stab my side. When I had to take a deep breath there was a pain that went through every part of my body leaving me with the thought that it was gonna be one of my last. Trying to stay awake for more than fifteen seconds was impossible. I could feel my body and it felt so small. It felt so weak and brittle. I remember trying to prepare myself to die. Everytime I would start to drift off my last thought would be is this the time that I don't wake up. It is really sad for me to think about these memories, cause it's just sad to know that I had those thoughts. To think of just how close I did come to losing it all. To think just how close I have come so many times to taking that last breath. Thinking about these things makes me realize that I must have a great purpose here on earth, or one hell of a job to do. I'm so grateful that I am still breathing and instead of asking is this gonna be my last, I'm now asking what is this next breath gonna hold for me?

Halloween!!!!!!!

2007-10-31T23:51:00.000-04:00

So today is Halloween! Probably the worst holiday for diabetics. It is marked on all of our calendars as "The Day of Doom." I mean seriously as if it isn't hard enough to stay away from all that yummy chocolate and gooey goodness. Someone decided to mark a day where it is given out for FREE!!! 1. Candy is amazing on any day. 2. Free candy is like getting a puppy with a diamond ring around his neck, and a pair of car keys in his mouth. Ok, free candy is nowhere near as good as that, but it is still really good. Can you just imagine if you got a puppy with a diamond ring and keys to a new car? I think I would pee in my pants!!! I know that people say that saying all the time for various emotions, but i really think I would literally pee in my pants. For one I have to go to the bathroom all the time anyway and for two the sheer excitement of this event really happening would disable any bodily function!! Who knows maybe instead of peeing my pants I would just start spitting everywhere. I can't really say cause i've never come across this situation. Well of course yesterday was such a great amazing day, so naturally today was...well it was just shit. There is no other way to explain it. My blood sugar was high all day. Mainly cause I drank a mountain dew and had a mini snickers. Ok well I had a mini snickers, a mountain dew and a mini butterfinger. ok actually that was a lie. I had all that before and some skittles, goobers, and raisinettes. It's free candy people!! Don't judge me. Oh crap!! I had some hershey kisses too. They had caramel in them. Those things are so freaking good. I don't care who you are those things are good. Needless to say I might have had a little too much candy. I did eat a sugar free worther's original though. That has to count for something. I can feel it now though. My blood sugar is high and I'm feeling kind of crappy, but it's going down. I'm feeling better. I can't really complain cause i got to eat some candy and I new the consequences. My "Day of Doom," was well worth it.

Happy Halloween!!!!!

Take a step back

2007-10-30T22:38:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you really just have to take a step back and realize that something greater than you is gonna take over. My mom has been trying to tell me that I really need to just say, "You know what God. I can't do this. I give this to you." Well I really did that today. There was a lot going on in my heart and head and I simply just said, "Here I am taking a step back. I'm giving this to you. Help me. Help me in any way that I need." Well I'm glad to say that right now at this very moment I feel like I can do anything. I'm not completely there. I mean it wasn't like I said these words and the heavens parted and everything in my life is now perfect. For the first time though, I really feel that every single broken piece of my heart that was on the floor is being swept up. Now it is time to put thost pieces back together. I know there will always be little chips of my heart that i will never find or get back, but those chips are what make me who I am and more importantly who i know i never want to be.

Update

2007-10-27T15:15:00.000-04:00

I have started making fliers today for a support group. A group for Juvenile Diabetics the ages 18-30. I'm so excited about it I can hardly stand it!!! This is the start my friends of me making a difference!! Keep reading for great things to come!

Moments

2007-10-26T22:34:00.000-04:00

The past few months have been a whirl wind of emotions. There are some moments that passed by that i didn't even get to feel. There is something to be said in a moment. There is a quote that says, " It's not about how many breaths you take. It's about how many moments take your breath away." I really feel like this is true. How much is a life, if you aren't living it? How much is it worth if you don't take time to realize that your breath was just taken away? When I first think of that quote I think of all the good things that take my breath away. A first kiss. A surprise of joy. An unexpected smile from a stranger. The first morning of fall. Watching the birth of a child. Or the first moment going down a hill on a roller coaster. As I sit here and drink my tea, I also think about the things that are not so great that have taken my breath away. A last goodbye. Waking up from a bad dream. Facing something that you don't want to face. Realizing that you are in trouble. Seeing police lights behind you. Running a mile without stopping. Someone jumping out of nowhere to scare you. I guess my point is that when i have a moment that takes my breath away, whether it be good or bad, it lets me know that I'm still breathing. I'm still living my life and not just letting it pass me by. No matter what kind of day i have at the end of it I find myself still breathing and for right now thats good enough for me.

Caring

2007-10-25T16:50:00.000-04:00

I am having a really bad day today. I'm really emotional about a lot of things and all I want to do is run away from it all. I don't want to face the people that I've hurt or the things that i have said. I don't want to face the people that have hurt me or the things that have broken my heart. I just want to run from everything and not look back.

Making a diiference

2007-10-22T14:51:00.000-04:00

I decided yesterday that I am going to make a difference. I really mean it too. I know a lot of people say I'm gonna make a difference, but then start to see a bee buzzing by and get all distracted. I really am gonna make a difference though. I don't exactly know how yet, but i have some ideas. So, mark my words. It's October 22, 2007 and I am going to make a difference. Watch out for more to come!!!!!

Joy

2007-10-21T08:09:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting drinking my morning tea and I just close my eyes. The sound of silence fills me and the only thing i can feel is the slow and steady motion of my breathing. Thoughts of total joy pop into my brain as I effortlessly let them take me over. Swinging on the swing sets in the autumn, just when it starts to turn cold. Waking up but still being in a dream state. The sound of my sister laughing. Kisses on the forehead. The way a puppy nudges up against you to pet them. Reading the last page of an amazing book. Watching a movie that moves you. Listening to music that makes you want to dance. Tasting a new recipe for the first time and loving it. Talking at Starbucks for hours about nothing and everything. When something genuinely makes me smile. Knowing that today is gonna be better than yesterday. I think of all these things and I am filled with joy. I know that i have had some tough moments, and I definitely know that I have such a long way to go but at this moment. Right now at this very moment all I can feel is joy... and it feels wonderful.

PMS

2007-10-18T20:02:00.000-04:00

You know I was thinking about this whole PMS thing and it really made me upset with Eve for taking a bite out of that apple. Can you just imagine how she felt after eating it. She had to deal with feeling all bloated and cranky for a whole week each month!!! Food cravings and being emotional about everything!! When I am on my period I find myself crying at the smallest of things like today for instance. I was driving home from work and my phone rang. Well, I couldn't get to it in time and I just completely lost it. I was like, Why??????? Why can't I just find my phone in time??????? Tears were streaming down my face, I was taking the double deep breath. You know the one were you are crying so hard you start to take a deep breath and in the middle of the first one you have to take another one. Why can't I just find the freaking phone??????? I calmed down and made it home ok Don't even get me started on how whack my blood sugars are during my period too. Those blood sugars shouldn't even count i mean they just shouldn't be aloud to be in the mix of them all. I really hate the suprise attack period too. You go into the restroom on a beautiful afternoon, and surprise!!! You are totally unprepared. Somehow you forgot to time everything out to the last minute. You haven't stocked up on tissues, chocolate or sad love movies. It always comes at the most inconvienent time too. When you are on a first date or in the middle of a test. I bet that when Eve had her first dose of PMS she was like, " Awwwww, maaaannn!!!! That is a decision I wish I could take back!!!"

Tired

2007-10-17T23:34:00.001-04:00

I had a low blood sugar at about three this morning. It was a bad one too. The hunger was not that bad cause I was pretty sleepy but the cold sweats and the shakes were really bad for some reason. When I say the shakes and the sweats it makes me sound like a drug addict. I think its funny. Well not much to say today except I'm kind of tires from the endless life of diabetes. I just hate having diabetes. I think I could say that everyday and it never get old. I'm going to see a counselor tomorrow and I have been trying to come up with every excuse not to go. I know it will be good for me but there is just something inside me that is saying if I go to this session it will be a definite that I'm kind of messed up. I know its ridiculous. I started my period today which explains the highs and lows alternating every five minutes. I'm emotional as well. Oh the trials and tribulations of my life!

Do Blondes have more fun?

2007-10-15T21:46:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'm gonna take a short break from the life of a diabetic for this entry. I am getting my hair cut soon and I'm going short. I really want it to be just like Jennifer Annistons hair on season eight of friends. I'm really contemplating taking a dvd into the hair salon with me. Anyway, i was talking about the color with my aunt and uncle and they said that being blonde is a totally different world. Not that they would personally know cause they are both brunette. Come to think of it why was i even listening to them? Just kidding. I really am thinking about doing it though. I want some feedback. Send me a shout!! Holla!! I don't really know what came over me in those last two sentences. I guess it is the hip hop dancer in me. Oh!! I don't think I have explained this yet. I have decided that I am gonna master the craft of hip hop dancing. I really think that when I was born God knew. He just knew that I was meant to get up, get down, and all around with hip hop. So, I'm gonna take some lessons although I'm not sure how much I need. I don't want to brag or anything, but it has been said that i have some mad skills. Dance skills my friends and I'm really not afraid to show them!! Have a great day!!

High Blood Sugars

2007-10-14T20:44:00.000-04:00

I gotta tell you how annoying high blood sugars are. They don't really have an immediate physical annoyance especially if they are around 200 or so. I never know that I have a high until i check my sugar. Its like I'm going about my day. I had a great breakfast, played a little tennis, maybe watched a little Ellen Degeneres and had a few laughs. My stomach starts a rumblin. Oh!! It's time to eat a delicious, nutritious lunch. Prick my finger, which hurt a bit but not too bad this time. 5...4...3...2...1... BAAAAAMMM. A high blood sugar. I don't understand it? I did everything right. I calculated that it was that time of the month for me. I knew that I had taken exactly 5,653 1/2 steps all day. I accounted for the little giggle for Ellen. I knew that I was a little stressed about various things so I counted that. It was ten degrees higher today than yesterday, counted that. I ate 10/18ths of my apple so I know i counted my carbs correctly. Then it came to me!! I had tripped over a rock while trying to get as close as I could to a squirrel without it running away. I know that all of you have played this game. I actually got extremely close one time but thoughts of the squirrel attacking me popped into my head so I calmly and very slowly backed away. Anyway the point is that tripping over the rock and the fear of falling sent out millions of hormones through my body, therefore causing my blood sugar to rise. How annoying is that?? Stupid squirrel...

Finger Pricking

2007-10-12T17:00:00.001-04:00

Here is something that I don't understand. My fingers must be totally mutated cause I can prick anyone of my fingers and get no blood at all. I'll prick the same finger a milometer away from the previous pricking and it squirts blood like I have hit a major artery. It's so strange. Finger pricking sucks by the way. You know how when you go to the doctor for a check up and you are thinking i can pee in a cup, i can get a flu shot, just please no finger pricking. The nurses at the doctors office also have a way of finding the one spot that will hurt the most. They also milk your finger like they are milking a cow if there is no blood coming out. I had two low sugars today and they sucked. I found myself sweating and shaking in my bed this morning. You think its awful to wake up to an alarm clock? Try waking up to the feeling of complete confusion, shaking, cold sweats, and wanting to eat and eat and eat. Its not too cool. Anyway, I'm just bitching about the glorious life of a diabetic.

I got a job

2007-10-11T16:31:00.000-04:00

I got a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats it for today. I'm actually having a great day. Not because I found a job or made an appointment to see a counselor but because I just feel good. I feel good about being alive and just really being myself.

I just...don't know

2007-10-10T01:57:00.000-04:00

When do you step in and say, "Let me help you. Let me take this off your shoulders. Let me make this easier for you." How far or how hard does someone you love have to fall before you say, "Let me pick you back up and dust you off." I think there is something in each and every one of us that yearns for someone to say, "it's ok." Everyone of us struggle in some way. The difference in a lot of us is that person that says, "It's ok." That person that shows you there is another way. Someone that can't take it all away but can make it just a bit easier. Someone to say, "this is gonna be hard. you are gonna have times that suck but you know what? It's ok. tomorrow may not be better, but i'll be here when it isn't." I love the part in Forrest Gump when Tom Hanks says, " I don't know much, but I know what love is." You don't have to be a genius to feel love. Love is simply this; when you are lost and almost gone it's the voice that says, "it's ok, let me help you find a way out of here." This voice can be from many or just one. Love is when you feel like you can no longer go on, that you might not make it another day and that voice says, "You can." I was in a deep deep whole that I felt like I was fighting to get out of but going nowhere. I had someone pull me out of that whole, and help me to see that I didn't have to hide anymore. They stepped in and said, "Let me help you. Let me get you out of here." I know that I have written about my mom before, but I think she is worth mentioning again. I don't think that I could ever explain how wonderful of a person she is. She is not only an amazing mother but if you ask any of her friends they would say that she is fantastic. The thing that amazes me the most is how much faith she has. Not only in God, but in herself, her marriage, her family and most of all me. She accepts me for everything that I am and everything that I'm not. I know you are thinking well, she is your mother, that is her job. She doesn't have to though. I know so many people that their mothers don't accept them for everything that they are. I am so lucky that I get to see Greyson, Harrison, and Lila with her. They look at her like she is the one and only important thing in their life. They may not act that way sometimes but they look at her like that. I'm sure it is very similar to the way that Jake and i look at her. She may not know it yet, but she has shaped me into everything that i have wanted to be. She has been the influence that I have always had but never knew.The great things that i know I will be are because she loves me. I wish I could be as strong as her, and I can't wait for the day that I say, "Wow, I sound just like my mom." I was lost and almost gone and she said, "It's ok."

Letting Go

2007-10-09T19:06:00.000-04:00

I have realized that letting go is so hard to do. Letting go of things and people that made me feel safe. I felt safe in my lies about taking care of myself. I felt safe in hiding behind something that was killing me. It goes the same for some of the people in my life. I had to let go of some that I felt safe in but were not making me happy. It is tough letting all that go. For the past eight years I have felt safe and comfortable and now I feel scared and sad. I have so many people in my life that are amazing. They have pulled me and pushed me through things i would not have done alone. I was watching grey's last thursday and the ending was everything I have felt for so long. Grey said that although the thing that hurts us the most is painful it is less than the pain of letting it go. Letting go of everything is hard to do. Eight years of lies, hiding, and fear. It was killing me, but letting go of my safe place is hard. Letting go of the people that made me feel safe is hard. I have so many times tricked myself into thinking that some of these people were good for me. I put them in a light that was never true. I wanted them to be something that they never could be, or ever wanted to be. Its not their fault. They are good people at heart. Anyway, just thinking about that. I have had a pretty good day. My stomach has hurt a little, but then again when doesn't it? So, I am just ok today and that's alright with me.

Just Dance

2007-10-08T10:43:00.000-04:00

So last might i was totally pumped and motivated about kicking ass and taking names with my life.

Well... I STILL AM!!!!! I'm so ready to make my life worth living. I really need to find a job. I'm almost getting bored. More than anything though I want some money. I woke up today with a bad attitude. I will admit it, i was a sour puss. I wish I could put some songs on here cause there are some songs that i listen to everyday that would make anyone want to dance. That is gonna be my new motto. I'm gonna dance! In all aspects of my life. I mean if you think about it dancing can be theraputic. It can be healing. It is good exercise. It releases tension, and lets all be honest here it's just plain fun! I encourage everyone to dance at some point today. Whether it's a slow dance with someone else, or just a little jig of your own. Get up off the couch and shake it like a rockstar! Love you guys!

Screw This!!

2007-10-07T23:04:00.001-04:00

I'm listening to this song called Shine right now. It is by a woman named Laura Izibor. The first line is "Wake up one morning you realize, your life is one big compromise. You ask yourself there's got to be more than what I'm living for. You ask yourself there's got to be something else, something more. Well let the sun shine on your face. Don't let your life go to waste. Now is the time, got to make up your mind. Let it shine on you."

I got to thinking and you know what? I will be damned if this is gonna take me over. I am gonna make up my mind to fight this with everything that I have, not half ass like I have been doing. It's finally time for me to step up and be that strong person that everyone knows I am. I'm not gonna let this control me anymore. So, what if i have diabetes and so what If eat food just to throw it up. So what if I have a lot of issues because my biological father decided to not be a part of my life. So what if my boyfriend cheated on me. Shit happens. I've been knocked down by life quite a few times, but it's time for me to stand up, take the hit and move forward.

There is so much more that I will live for.

Today

2007-10-07T13:33:00.000-04:00

Well the past couple of days have been tough. I have lost control of taking care of myself, and the one thing I could control hurt me just as much. Making myself throw up is such a gratification for me cause when everything around me is spinning it's the one thing that i have complete control of. It sucks. I'm going to talk to a counselor soon. Sometimes i sit and think about what i want my life to be and all the things that I want to make me happy. When looking at the big picture it seems so far away. It seems like an inevitable failure. All of this is so hard for me. It's even harder to share it with everyone. I think a lot of people for a long time have thought of me as this easy going, fun person. This has made me realize that everyone has shame for something. Everyone is afraid of something that is bigger than themselves. I know I'm not alone in this. I know my family and friends are there at the drop of a hat. I still feel so alone though sometimes. Today has been better. I haven't wanted to eat or throw up. I've taken my blood sugar and haven't eaten anything that I shouldn't have. Somehow I still don't feel in control. I still feel like everything around me is spinning out of my grasp and the more I try to hang on the farther everything gets. This whole thing will hopefully make me a stronger person cause I know it's definitely not going to kill me.

Hiding

2007-10-06T10:29:00.000-04:00

Umm. This post is gonna be hard for me to write but I feel like I need to. I din't take my blood sugar all day yesterday. I took insulin but i don't really know if it was enough. or where my blood sugar was at all day. The worst part was that I made myself throw up yesterday. I ate as much as i could and then threw it all up. I don't even really know why. I don't feel like i am fat or anything. But it felt so good. It was like I was giving in to my addiction, but it felt so good. After I kind of didn't know what to do except cry. My aunt text me soon after that and I wanted so badly to just tell her. To reach to her for something, some kind of help. I couldn't though. I was afraid and ashamed of what she would think or what my whole family would think. Thoughts crossed my mind of they would make me stop, but did I really want to continue anyway. i sat and cried with the phone in my hands not knowing what to do. The past couple of days I have felt really good. I wonder though if it is because for the past couple of days i haven't been taking care of myself like I should. The past couple of days I have been comfortable in the hell of hiding like older days. My throat hurts today from yesterday, and I sit and cry as i write this. I cry because i know that I have a long way to go. I have struggles, and i have demons that i have to face. Most of me just wants to turn away from them and never look back. They won't ever go away though if I do that. I'm human and it's gonna not be easy. I'm more sure than anything i want to get better. I want to live a happy healthy life. It's getting to that life that I'm so unsure of...

I am LAZY!!

2007-10-05T15:22:00.000-04:00

I'm not really that lazy, but it feels like it sometimes. I need to get a job, but I only want to work at a hospital and those jobs aren't just handed out like candy at a fourth of July parade. Haha. I just made that up. I have a confession to make though, since i have not been working i have been watching so much tv. I LOVE IT!! I mean i really love it. Most people would be would be going crazy being bored all day just watching tv. I think that these people have not taken the time to actually appreciate the world of reality tv. It can be sad, funny and even inspiring at times. I mean when Bret Michaels told the stripper that he couldn't see her anymore on Rock of Love, it was sad, funny and inspiring all in one!!! I'm just playing around, i still get out of the house and lay by the pool. Oh what a life I live. I'm enjoying myself actually. Being by myself and just sorting things out. It's going good. Hopefully tomorrow will be the same.

God Can You Find Me Here

2007-10-04T22:37:00.000-04:00

I had a pretty good day today. I still have some physical issues going on with my body, but it was not too bad today. It is days like today though that give me just a little spark of hope that one day I will get better. Its the little moments when I laugh genuinely, or say something crazy. It's these moments that let me know even though i have been living in a world of lies for the past eight years, there are still pieces of the real me that exist. There are some days that I don't want to take this hard road. There are days that i would give anything to be someone different, to not have the struggles that I have had. I wish that I could just walk away from it all. The finger pricks would turn into ice cream cones. The shots would become day after day of happiness. There are so many days that i wake up thinking, "God can you just find me here?" Some days he finds me. Today he found me...