Not so black and white

So the past week and a half has been pretty down. I have found myself unfocused and feeling myself start to not care again. This past weekend I went out with some friends who don't really care about me. They are the people that i work with and the ones that try to peer pressure me into drinking. Don't get me wrong it was no ones choice but my own, but the friends that really care for me are the ones that say lets go see a movie or something so i don't even have the choice in front of me. Anyway i have felt pretty bad. I haven't been taking my medicine and simply I just have started to not care again. I know that I will not get another chance at this and I am so scared that i am going to get on this cycle again. The most disturbing thing i think this past week was that on saturday I drank a lot. Not meaning to by any means. I was just out with a bunch of people and we started playing drinking games and on sunday I felt like I had felt just before I went into the hospital the last time. I couldn't keep down any water but after everytime I threw up I would chug another glass cause I was so thirsty. It was bad. I was really scared. I wish that this whole thing was black and white. I wish that i was totally into it and taking care of every aspect of my life or i was totally not into it and pretty much dead. It is a shade of gray that will never be found. A shade that has so many dimensions that no matter how you try to figure it out it just gets that much more unclear. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better start. I know that I will never be perfect, I just hope I'm good enough to survive this gray.