choices

One of the best things about living is that we have a choice to do anything and everything. One of the greatest gifts that God has given us is that we have a choice. It's almost three in the morning and i can't sleep because all I can do is lay here in my bed and think about all the choices i have made in my life. the good ones, the bad ones, the not so wise ones, the ones that have changed my life and the ones that have made me who i am. the ones that are small but make a big difference and the ones that i wish i could change. Sometimes having a choice can be a bad thing because it just gives a reason to make the same mistakes over again. i make bad choices everyday. I choose to not take my blood sugar, i choose not to take my medicine, i choose to get up at two in the afternoon, i choose to screen phone calls, or lie about things that could be ok with just a straight answer. looking back on all of the bad, stupid, or careless choices I have made in my twenty five years of life, make me want to hang my head in shame. It makes me feel so undeserving of everything that i have, of everyone that i have. i choose to smoke a cigarette, i choose to take a shot of alcohol, and a lot of times i rationalize it with excuses that really can not be excuses at all.

As i sit here and think about all the choices, screw ups and messes i have made, i start to cry. Not because i hate myself, but because i still have love within me. just like we have been given the gift of choice, we have been given the gift of grace. Grace from God, grace from loved ones. Such undeserving grace that overwhelms me when i think of how much of it i have. it makes me cry to think that i was given two precious gifts before i even knew what gifts were, and how after living twenty five years i am still careless with the choices i make and how after twenty five years i still take for granted the grace that is placed on me every day. I don't really know how I am feeling right now. I'm just kind of thinking out loud. I'm not really sad or down, i guess i just needed to write it down to wake me up to everything that i have been asleep to.