...it hurts

I don't really know how to start off this entry. I guess i can start with the conversation that i had earlier today. I was talking to my grandmother just about things that i get confused about. She told me to just take one day at a time. She said she knew it was hard to do but what more can you do right?

The past couple of days i have been kind of sick with a cold. I wake up every fifteen minutes with a shooting pain in a different part of my body or my muscles tense up so much that i feel like ripping them out of my skin. I have cold sweats at night and go to the bathroom every other minute cause my blood sugar is out of whack. It still hurts. It will be nine years at the beginning of june and it still hurts. My grandmother put it perfectly when she said that what really hurts us the most is what we can't understand. I kind of know that me having diabetes is for something so much bigger than me. there is something placed upon my heart that no one can see. A sound that is different from a beat. It's like i'm aware of my purpose in life but right now i'm just unsure of how to get there. Do I go this way or that way? Do I stay or do I leave? It still hurts after nine years. I still wake up every morning and think is it gonna be a good blood sugar day or a bad one. I still prick my finger and flinch at the sound of the needle pricking my finger. I still hesitate right before i give myself a shot. It still hurts and even though some people may look at me on the outside and say, wow i could never do that. Erin is so strong. or, wow i admire you for your strength and courage. In a way that is true because i have had to deal with some things that some people haven't had to deal with but...

I'm still just a girl. A girl that gets her heart broken. a girl that has hurt feelings and confused thoughts. A girl that laughs at the little things and loves to play outside. a girl that gets insecure and has to sometimes be told how beautiful she is. a girl that speaks out of turn and can cuss like a sailor when it's not really appropriate. a girl that when falls gets scraped and a girl that loves with everything that matters. a girl that has to make decisions that can determine her whole life and a girl that is so scared of turning the wrong way even down a one way street.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that, yes i may be strong but it still hurts from time to time and if i am being real and honest i can't deny that. I still don't know what i'm doing and my faith is dismal at best. I still lie about stupid things and i feel like i have to hide from the ones that love me the most. I still have moments when all i want to do is be numb and never have to feel anything again. I still don't take my blood sugar out of spite when the only person i am hurting is myself. It's a fine line that i haven't quite been able to understand its boundaries yet...