Reality

Wow. I'm so mad at myself right now. I really need to find time to write on here more. This blog is gonna be kind of long cause there are a few things that i want to talk about.

First off, I am feeling better. I think I owe that to family and Christmas time. I spent the weekend with one set of grandparents and it really made me happy. Growing up, Jake and I did not get to spend a lot of time with all of our family because we had so much!!!! I mean we have three sets of grandparents alone!! We both know that we had no control really of who we got to spend time with but I really do regret not being able to spend more time with my grandmother on my dad's side before she passed away. This weekend was just really fun getting to know just a little bit more about my grandparents. How they met, how they fell in love, and just stories of their past. It just made me really happy. I also got a Starbucks mug which really made my heart sing!! :)

I say that i am feeling better, which is true, but I am not feeling great. I constantly struggle with taking care of myself. It blows my mind cause I don't even know why. I mean I am talking about life or death. If I do not take care of myself I will die. It's pretty black and white. Any person in their right mind would just do it, which leads me to believe that I'm not really in my right mind. I just don't understand. I was praying to God today just asking why I can't just take care of myself. And just now, I'm talking like seconds ago he answered me. Plain and simple he answered with, "Well Erin, you are lazy." It's true. I'm lazy and I want to take the easy road. It is so fucking hard to get up everyday and be a diabetic. Excuse my language but I wanted to have a firm word to make a point. It's hard and I am lazy. I am naturally lazy at pretty much everything. I used to just say that i was really layed back and kind of a go with the flow girl. Really though I'm thinking I might just be lazy. I get in these moods though when I'm not lazy and you better look out cause I can make plans, outlines, and lists like you have never seen. Then i get lazy again and never follow through. It's a harsh reality, I know. I have to make a change though. I'm not ready to die yet. I've got too much to live for.

I was talking to one of my really good friends last night. He is actually the one that pretty much saved my life. He is such an amazing guy. I swear he is like the wisdom above all wisdom. First of all he is so unbelievably smart and no matter what I am feeling he can just say three words that turn everything around. I mean I have heard these three words all my life but for some reason when he says them it just clicks. He said, "God loves you." Thats it. That is all he had to say and I felt pretty sure that i can do anything. He's pretty freaking awesome if you ask me!!! :)

So anyway, I'm working two jobs, staying busy and trying to save money. I will be in Chicago again!!!!! Sooner than later anyway. I love everyone that reads this and I really love the constant support!!!!