Scared

So I haven't written very much lately. I am mad at myself for it. I found myself today feeling bad. Not physically. I guess more on an emotional side. A little over three months ago I was almost dead. I didn't really even feel it though. I had become numb to my disease. I had become numb to my pain in a lot of areas of my life. I had taken everything that hurt me and pushed it away and filled it with things that gave me a temporary happiness. I made a choice three months ago to actually start living my life. I knew that with that would come feeling again. Feeling the pain of a collective twenty four years. The pain of not having a father. The pain of losing guys in my life. The pain of losing friends in my life. There have been quite a few people that I let have a piece of my heart and they just took it and threw it away like it was a piece of unimportant paper. I knew that I was especially making a choice to accept the pain that has wieghed the most on my heart and that was the total denial of what was going on inside of my body. I have a disease. I have a disease that will last a lifetime. It makes me feel shaky, it makes me want to cry. It makes me want to punch in a wall. It makes every aspect of my life just a little more difficult than the rest. I want to scream at the top of my lungs until I can't breathe anymore. Tonight I'm scared. I'm scared to lose my life again. I'm scared because for the past week I haven't been taking care of myself and I'm scared because I don't even care. When I was in Nashville three months ago it was awful. I'm not gonna lie it was bad but, I was numb. I never felt a thing and although my heart was breaking, it was never hurting. So, what is better? feeling numb to everything, or feeling the hurt along with the happiness. I'm not so sure anymore. I'm scared. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want it to be difficult. I'm scared to hurt people that I love and I'm scared that no matter what I do or how great my life will ever be, no matter how much help, love, family, or prayer i will ever have, it may never be enough. I have a disease that i want to feel numb to and i'm scared that i will make the same mistake again. I'm scared that I have let it take me over and i'm scared to really feel what it is inside of me that hurts...