Three Things

There have been three things on my mind lately that I am going to share today...

The first being kind of on a lighter note than the other two. I have been thinking about my relationships in the past and how they had good moments, sometimes even great moments but it was nothing that lasted a while or filled me up. I was never just completely full of greatness. So I have been watching A LOT of chick flicks in the past week or so cause I am definitely a hopeless romantic. I mean I go to Starbucks cause i really like their tea but secretly hoping that a tall handsome guy is gonna come in and say a charming line that will lead to our huge wedding and wonderful life together. I seriously think i have it figured out that i will meet a doctor at starbucks and then we will fall in love and have lots of gorgeous babies together. Basically I am just setting myself up for failure here but its still fun to think about while I am sipping my tea.

Ok the second thing is about religion. I desperately want to have so much faith. I want to have faith that God has a plan for me. I want to have faith that this is exactly where God wants me to be right now. This is hard to do for many reasons. The first being that with my personality it is difficult for me to not be in control. I mean even when I am with a group of friends and it is not my turn to talk or say what needs to be said, I get antsy. I really don't know if that is how you spell "antsy," cause to be honest I don't think I have ever used it in a sentence. Interesting. Anyway I'm a control freak and it is hard for me to put everything i believe in or trust in to something that I know not that much about. I know God and Jesus and the basic stuff about the bible. I took a class on religious stuff in 8th grade. Just thought I would share that. So, I know stuff but it is the concrete facts, that this really did happen and that the bible is not just some made up book by some guy on the street corner. It is hard for me also to sit and doubt God in any way cause lets all be honest here I probably should have been dead six years ago, biologically speaking. I really do have a sense or a feeling that this is the path that I am supposed to follow. In my heart and soul and everything about me is saying, "Erin you have Diabetes for a reason, and its not to wake you up in the middle of the night to shaking, sweating, or crying. I know its not to struggle through life just for the fun of it. There is a bigger reason for me. I know that. I know that without a doubt. So, then I ask myself why do you even for a second doubt anything about God. I have no idea and that is what frustrates me.

The last thing that has been on my mind does have to do with diabetes. A couple things. The first being about this girl that i work with. I just can't get over the fact that I have been her. I was her and i feel so deeply for her cause i have been in the dakest place and have felt so unbelievably low like i know she feels. She can hide it well but you know, so did I. I can just look at her and know what she is feeling. She is a nice person and it kills me that someone has to go through life feeling thst way. Feeling like there is no way out or no better way. The second thing is my health. I can feel it slipping through my fingers again. Not my actual health. I'm not sick or anything. Just the overall what i should be doing and what I shouldn't. I'm not eating when I should. I'm not taking my blood sugar like I should mainly because test strips are so damn expensive. I really think if I had a very large sum of money I would be happier. I know all that nonsense about money doesn't make you happy, but listen to this. I would be able to pay for all my medicine and supplies. I would be able to afford good and healthy food. Last i would higher a personal trainer. Having all that taken care of for me would definitely take some weight off my shoulders. I'm not even famous!!!! I don't have to have the nice body, I just have to do it to live longer. Anyway enough of my rambling!!


The first diabetes support group is tomorrow!! Wish me luck!!