again...

I'm writing on here again cause i really feel better when i write down my thoughts instead of them just whirling away in my head.


I think as you guys know i'm a big fan of love. love can heal all things. all you need is love. that sort of stuff. I'm such a fan of being in love. I absolutely can not wait to be in love again. the kind of love that you have to stay awake just one more hour cause talking for eight hours straight just isn't enough. The kind of love that when you find out his favorite thing to do is curl up and watch movies, your heart skips a beat and the kind of love that makes you feel like you are the most beautiful, most lucky, most wonderful, and adored person on the earth. that is one of the best feelings ever. I would have to say that a very close second would be eating a really good cupcake. :)

I went and saw baby mama tonight and it's probably because i'm on my period and probably cause i'm about to turn twenty-five but of course i wanted one. A baby that is, for those of you who weren't quite clear on what i was referring to. I mean i don't really want one but i kind of do. it kind of got me thinking about things. Don't jump to conclusions, i wasn't analyzing things!!! just thinking about stuff. My fear of not being able to have kids is kind of an issue with me. It's actually not that big of a deal anymore cause there are so many other ways that i can have a family, it was just a thought.

Mainly what has been on my mind and it kind of has been for a while is my bio-dad. it still hurts and i know it always will. Actually i take that back it is not really a hurt, but kind of a sting. That sounds better. it stings a little when i think of him. It stings when i think about memories. It's funny cause he was the first person to ever break my heart. Its not supposed to be like that. Your dad is someone that should never cause you hurt and its funny cause he was the first and probably the worst. I mean i've dated guys and had friends that have hurt me but eventually i stop crying. eventually i can say truthfully that i'm ok. I hate more than anything that i'll never be able to say that about him. I want so badly just to say it's his loss, he missed out but really it's my loss too. i missed out on a lot. I know its not my fault and i am so unbelievably lucky to have a father in my life that would never hurt me, because i'm his daughter. we may not have the same blood running through our veins but i know more than anything that he loves me just the same.

i hope everyone had a great day...