Well, I'm back from california and i had so much fun!!! I came back with a couple of things. A lot of clothes, an addiction to humus and carrots, some really great memories, some new friends, and the realization that i'm not invincible. While i was there i cut my foot and i didn't realize it until I saw the blood. Which means that i didn't feel it. I don't really know how much any of you know about diabetes but they always say to watch your feet because that is the first place that ends up not getting blood circulation. So, i'm sure you all can guess how i felt about the not feeling of a cut on my foot. it was kind of a mixture of shock, worry, hate, sadness, and what the hell am i going to do feeling. it was a realization of having diabetes. I have a disease. A disease that weakens my body to certain things and that is something that i eventually have to deal with. i push it away because i just don't want to face the fact that i have a disease that will continue to weaken my body to things. i push it away because i don't want to face the truth that if i don't take care of myself or even if i take care of myself to the best of my ability, i still may lose my foot or leg. I still may have heart failure, or kidney failure. i still may never be able to have children. i still may lose my life sooner than i should...
my first initial reaction was and is right now to cry. cry because of the unfairness of it all. cry because no matter how hard i try, it could still not be enough. but, crying isn't gonna make all that less possible. crying isn't gonna make me able to have kids or keep my foot from being amputated. I don't know if there is anything that can really prevent that from happening and i guess what i have had to learn is that living isn't what you do or when you do it. What you say or didn't. it's how we do everything thats worth anything. How we take each day just as it comes. How we make something out of nothing and how when we fall we gracefully get back up. How we do the best we can when we don't want to try or how we love when it hurts. making decisions with confidence even when they could be the wrong ones and most of all learning something new every day and completely different from the day before. I have a disease and although it is the biggest part of my life and yes maybe i will suffer from the complications of it. but it will never keep me from hoping for a cure, dreaming of helping chidren, loving with all my heart, laughing at small things, or living a wonderful full life.
I hope everyone is having a great week.
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Hi, I just found your blog and I think it is great! What you went through with your foot is so scary, something so simple, a little cut on the foot, can terrify us down to the core. But, i have learned that it is ok to be frightened and to still be positive about things. Change the things I can, and accept the things I cannot, right? You seem to do a great job of that...fear and all. We are all here together to support each other =:~)
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