again...

i know i say this every six to eight months but i really am going to try and write on here more.  so lets catch up!!!

well since i last wrote on here my ankle is doing better, my blood sugar is finally, after 11 years, under my control, the best it can be anyway. i am living in nashville and i am starting a non profit organization called it takes two to help kids. i know that is kind of vague but i will get into that more later.

so, it has been 11 years since being diagnosed and for the very first time i feel like i may be handling things with ease.  i think what i had to realize is that taking one day at a time and living that day the best way you know how is all you can really do. i guess that can be applied to many different aspects of life.  the way i feel now is that i have one life and everyday that i live it not to its fullest is such a waste.  yes, i still struggle with diabetes and yes i still sometimes have bad days. i think now though i realize that its just one day. 24 hours. not forever.  i also think i had to realize that the time i have left in this life is not guarenteed. i don't want to give up any second to anything that isn't making me happy. example, strawberry cupcakes.  i really don't know why but just the thought of strawberry cupcakes makes me happy!!

well that is gonna be it for today. short and sweet but i promise promise promise i am going to take a little time each day to write. not that anyone every reads this but i guess that was a promise to myself more than anything :)

So full of emotion

I don't even know what to describe how i am feeling right now. i just feel so lucky and loved and excited. I am scared, shocked, nervous, anxious, happy, and blessed. i am going to do some pretty fun and rewarding things in the next couple of weeks. i wish i had so much money so i could just do stuff like this all the time!!!!

Crossroads

           Ahh.  My life.  26 years, 8 months, and 24 days.  In this time there have been many many smiles. There have been many laughs and there have been many tears. There have been some unforgettable moments. Ones that i would like to forget but i know will stay with me until the day i die.  Many friends have come and gone leaving something with me every time and there have been ones that have been there for every single second that passed.  So many talks about life, love and how to get through it all. talks about tv shows, moments in history that define who we are and what we will be.  Talks about music that touches our soul and changes us forever.  There are thousands of talks, laughs, and moments that i am sure i have forgotten and wish i could remember them all.  In my life there has been love. Love that runs deep and love that hurts. Love from those unexpected and love that never could be returned.  There have been decisions made that I wish i could undo.  There have been choices that i knew without a doubt were the right ones and there were some that i had to take a minute to think over.  Over these years i have grown physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have had to deal with things head on and sometimes pushed away things that seemed impossible to deal with at all.


              Ten years,  7 months, and 26 days ago something happened in my life that changed everything about me.  Changed who i was, how i thought, and how i lived.  I changed how i loved, how i looked at people, and how i valued things.  Now if you had asked me then i would have said that it was the worst thing to happen in my life.  As far as i knew my life had ended.  Little did i know that it had just begun.  I had no idea that i was about to go down a road that would bring me closer to death than i could possibly imagine, that i would really feel like what it was to feel yourself dying.  Feel your breath slowly be taken away from you and there was nothing you could do but lay on the floor and let it. Many times i have found myself in this position. I have felt my heart hurt and beat to a race that i thought was going to kill me.  I traveled down this road thinking i had a choice. Thinking that what i was doing  to myself was my own fault. Not taking medicine was my own issue that if i could just get over i could save my own life.  Now i know that my life had already been saved. Laying on my floor thinking that my life was gonna end or laying in a hospital bed barely hanging on was never god saving me. He had already done it. Every time i thought i had run out of time and every time i found myself praying over and over to just give me one more day to make it right, there was a voice inside me saying, "get up erin. get up. it's not over for you. this is not what i wanted for you. you have so much more to do. you have so much more to give."  I got up time and time again. i got up with just enough strength, just enough time to call someone for help.  i got up with a will that i never knew i had and often times i forget that i have.  I got up because this life, my life is meant to do something amazing. Ten years ago i was given a gift that has taken me down such a bittersweet path. A path filled with hurt, tears, pain, love, laughter, strength, knowledge, and courage to do what i know i was meant to do. What i was meant to be.

              Right now i start another path. Today i hit a crossroads that is turning me onto another road. I have gone through the first leg of my journey and now it is time to make things happen. Now it is time to take the past ten years and use them to follow this next path.  Use what i have learned, what i have gained, and what i have lost to change a view someone has, to change the way a heart beats, or to change the seemingly impossible.

Stay tuned...

Walking

walking is a lot harder than i remember it. the past two days i have been walking without crutches and for the most part it has been good. of course it hurts and of course it gets swollen. the doctor says that is totally normal though.  the thing that is kind of bothering me is the the sound of grinding bones or joints going in and out of spaces in between these said bones. it doesn't really hurt. just the sound alone is making me want to grit my teeth.  i guess i shouldn't complain though. at least i am walking. so what if i have a permanent gangster lean. i'm cool with it.  my doctor told me though the other day he was very proud of me for the recovery that i have made. he said that most people that he sees that had what i had come back months later and they have to cut off their foot or leg. i will take that to mean i am a success!!

A Hard Lesson

 i am just so pissed off today and i know why but i hate it when i get this mad over things i can not change. For instance, my blackberry is not charging for some reason. i don't even use the phone anymore but i was gonna sell it and it somehow sensed that i was gonna sell it and just stopped working. i found myself literally cussing at this stupid machine that wasn't gonna work either way.  It makes me realize that i'm not mad at the blackberry i am just taking it out on the poor thing. I'm mad because i get so worked up over people. people that shouldn't even matter but they know exactly how to push all my buttons. i get so mad at these people and they are just going about their day without a care in the world. i get so mad at people that claim to be your friend, claim to care about you but then in the same breath forget who you are like you never mattered to them in the first place. ugh! it really makes me want to punch things.  then i find it so hard to quit talking to them.  Why can't i just let people go? Why can't i just cut someone out of my life if they obviously are not good for me and bring me down time and time again. Ugh Ugh Ugh!

this had nothing to do with diabetes, i just needed to vent before i exploded.

cupcakes

now i don't know if you knew this about me but i really love cupcakes, even more than i love little puppies, even more than tea in the morning. i love cupcakes even more than i love justin timberlake, which is a lot. i just love the way i feel when i eat them. it is like getting a massage, while drinking tea, with a puppy in my lap, listening to justin sing to me. it is amazing!! i wish i had one right now. i wish i had a dozen right now!!! Strawberry ones are the best that i have had so far. i did have one that was a peach cobbler and it was pretty sensational. What is your favorite kind of cupcake??

Happy New Year!!

It's 2010 and it is a brand new year full of so many things for everyone. some good some bad. it is a year of goodbyes. a year of new beginnings. a year of hopes and dreams. a year of birth and also death. it is so amazing to me to think of everything that will happen in this year. some things will be expected like graduations or birthdays. some will not like a promotion or affair. tears will be shed. tears of joy and tears of sadness. songs will be sung. you know someone out there right now is singing i'm too sexy by right said fred.

 a new year. it's such a blessing to have this new year. i don't even care what it brings. i don't care if this year... this year could be the one that i get my yorkie. this year i get an amazing job that is unexpected.  i have a whole new year. a year to make my own. 365 days to make choices, to wake up, smiling, and to do everything that i dream about doing.  this year i get to chose who i am to love and i get to say this is enough when i hurt. i get to say you know what diabetes i am not gonna let you make me feel bad. i am not gonna let you take away my days or nights. i will not let you take my life and make it any less than what it was meant to be because you know what i am meant to be great. maybe not to hundreds and maybe not in amazing ways but i am meant to be great to at least one. i am meant to be a great big sister and i am meant to be a great daughter. i am meant to be a great friend and soon i am meant to be a great nurse. one day i will be a great wife and i know i am meant to be a great mom.  this year will be filled with thousands of test strips for my blood sugar. this year will be filled with hours of trying to figure out what to eat, when to eat, and how much insulin to take. nights of low blood sugars and painful shots.

this year there will be more than one moment of weakness. there will be more than one moment when i say, "i can't." i can't do it anymore. i can't get up again and stumble to the kitchen to find anything that will stop me from shaking. i can't take another shot and i can't stop thinking about this disease.

i'm meant to be great though. this year i am meant to be great.

oh what to write??

i literally have been sitting here for about 20 minutes trying to decide what i'm gonna write and still have nothing...

ok, i will talk about my night last night. well back up i will first tell you that on average you swallow 8 spiders in your life time.  i learned this a couple months ago from a snapple bottle. frankly i was shocked and honestly a little concerned. How are these said spiders getting into my mouth and do they crawl down my throat? how am i not feeling any of this? do they happen to just fly in my mouth when i am riding a bike? going fast down a hill? because if that is the case, i can tell you with confidence that this scenario will not happen 8 times in my life! are they big spiders? tiny spiders? can they lay eggs in my stomach? these questions need to be answered for me to feel safe ever again.

 so last night i was sleeping in the back room on an air mattress because my bed is not very comfortable and it is almost like a sauna in my room. so naturally i was a little uneasy sleeping close to the ground but i decided to go through with it. i fell asleep pretty quickly but woke up at around 2:00 because i thought i heard something. it was nothing. or so i thought. two hours later i awoke again to a dark object moving east over my hand and onto the bed. it almost looked like a wasp in the dark and i was squinting through my sleep eyes. i focused and took my phone to make a flashlight... and there he was. i spider the size of my fist. or a quarter. either way it was bigger than i had wanted it to be. my immediate thought was that this little creature was headed straight for my saliva glands. he was determined to be a statistic. it was his destiny and nothing was getting in his way.  Well not today my friend, not today. i flicked him into the dark distance and uneasily layed back down. i woke up every thirty minutes or so to make sure my mouth was closed tight and he wasn't back for round two!! i know he is out there somewhere just waiting for me to get on a bike and coast down a hill so he can test his fate once again!!!

I hope everyone is having a great day!!

The New Year

Sooo... it has been a month and a half since i have posted something on here and my last post was all about how i was going to write something everyday. Hmmm... well that didn't really work out so much. I am writing on here today though and it is probably gonna be a long one. since i have some things on my mind.  so get ready to read!!

First thing, i had an amazing Christmas and i hope everyone else did as well. it is so fun to see the little ones wake up and get excited to see all the gifts santa left for them. i remember one christmas when jake and i were little and we swore we heard reindeer on the roof. the anticipation of what was to come is just so thrilling.  I didn't get my puppy that i asked for but there is always next year. harrison said i didn't get it because santa just hasn't found the right puppy for me yet. he is sweet. sometimes he pushes his limits but is still really sweet.

The christmas season has not been that bad on my diabetes. mainly because recently i have decided to cut back on how much i eat. everyone's body is different and i guess mine just can't handle being stuffed with food. i did eat all the cookies and fudge i wanted, but it just wasn't the regular amount that i would normally eat.  so, my blood sugars have been great!  i did have a breakdown about a week or two ago and i have come to the realization that i'm gonna have those from time to time.  a lot of people through these ten years have told me that eventually it will all become second nature to me. i agree that in time it will get easier as most things do but, i don't think there will ever be a day when i don't hate diabetes.  most days i won't hate it very much and it will be a great day. my blood sugars will be normal and everything else goes as planned. that will be a great day. on some days though nothing goes as planned i will fall on my broken ankle while trying my best to get out of bed to treat the blow blood sugar. those days i will hate diabetes a little more than usual. i think the trick is to make the great days outweigh the bad ones. this goes for so many other aspects of life too.

i was sitting here reading all the wonderful status updates on facebook and everyone planning their new year's festivities and it got me thinking about the new year. 2010. it is a whole new adventure. a brand new, exciting adventure.  i don't really ever make resolutions because by january 3rd they are already out the window. it is just another thing to feel like a failure about in my opinion. so, i'm not gonna make one but i do want to try new things. i really feel like i can do a much better job of things than what i do. the main thing i want to do better is loving people. it seems so simple of a word with a thousand different meanings. it is so easy as a society to hide or walk away from something that might be uncomfortable. for example if you see a stranger that may need help, whether it be an elderly person struggling with their groceries or someone stuck on the side of the road. how many times have you thought they look like they need some help and walked away. i know i have so many times because i was afraid. not afraid of being hurt but afraid that the situation would be awkward. i can't even count how many times i have wanted to tell someone that means so much to me that i love them but have stopped myself because i was afraid they would think it was weird.  i hate that i have put limitations on showing love in any kind of way because i know how great it feels when someone unexpected shows me love. in simple little ways. i can only hope that by me changing this little part of who i am that i can maybe just make someone's day a little better. make someone see that loving doesn't have to be some grand gesture. loving doesn't have to take a lot of time or even a lot of effort. It only needs a little push from somewhere inside. a push from your heart instead of your head.

I think this new year i'm gonna write a book too. i don't know what about yet but i think it would be fun!

GAAAHHHHH!!

I'm so bad about writing on here. i don't know why! i think about it everyday but then always end up doing something else completely pointless!  My foot is getting better. i went to the doctor yesterday and the he told me that i was doing really great! so that was really encouraging. he said though that he was gonna put me in a cast soon, which sucks but i decided i'm gonna get a green one and decorate it like a christmas tree. pretty pumped about that. the wheels have already started turning on what i want on it. maybe i could paint my toenails like little presents! hahah!

In a perfect world.

These last couple of days have sucked a little more than the other ones recently. it just seems like i am in this constant low blood sugar, or trip to the bathroom, or at a scream fest for little kids. I have no escape. I have no where to go to just be alone, or be with people my age. I can't even go on a walk because of my stupid ankle and it is just too much for me right now. It doesn't help that it is that time of the month for me and i snap at the smallest of things. In a perfect world, everything would just be a little bit easier.  Everything would just go away.

Sick Day

I'm calling in sick today.  I'm just gonna lay in bed and watch movies =)

Ahhh, Sleep!

I slept through the night! This may be or should be a regular occurrence for most but not for me.  It is very rare that I sleep through the night. It has been that way for a long time too. Ten years to be exact.  Well, if I want to be exact it has been ten years, six months and three days since i started showing signs of having diabetes.  Waking up in the middle of the night to drink a bottle of water and go pee every hour. It was like clock work too. Every hour on the dot.  It has been that way ever since. Not to that extreme as much but it is usually two to three times a night.  All that changed about two weeks ago though and instead of waking up to down some water and try to make it to the bathroom, I was waking up to cold sweats, shaking, and the uncontrollable urge to eat anything I could. Low Blood Sugars! It is like a totally different life right now.  It is like one extreme to another and trying to find the balance is exhausting.  So, when i woke up at 7 this morning, I was a little shocked to see that it was 7.  It was like something in me calmed down a little bit. Something said, "you are gonna make it through this." And as i picked up my crutches and headed to breakfast a tiny little smile of ease. A small smile of relief came across my face.

Have a Great Day!!

Obsession

So, i have discovered that i have an obsessive personality at times.  I may have a little bit of OCD but i don't think it is a bad thing.  Like for instance i have a log book that i write all my blood sugars down in and how many carbs i ate at meals and stuff like that. I have to write with the same pen every time i write in it.  It is one of  those black pens with the fine point. I love these pens. I'm not saying that any other pen would not work but i started with this particular pen so no other one is good enough. I actually had to write something in it with a different pen the other day and not only was it not as good of a pen but it was blue ink. It still bothers me. I try not to think about it though. Does that make me a total freak? I think it does a little bit. On some level?

I also have found this new obsession with dancing, which is ironic because i doubt that i will be doing any of that anytime soon. I seriously though want to be a hip hop dancer.So You Think You Can Dance is one of my favorite shows! i could watch clips of these people dancing all day long!  I have expressed this desire before but i don't think anyone takes me seriously. Which i can understand because i have never taking one single dance class in my life. Well, I take that back. I took a jazz class my first semester in college. I failed it. Only because it was at 8 in the morning and i just couldn't make myself get there. So, once this ankle is all better I'm for real gonna become a dancer. Then maybe i can go on one of oprah's defying all odds shows! it's worth a try!

Have a great day!

Tiny Bats

My finger tips look like they have been beaten with tiny little bats! They have these tiny little bruises all over them. I have been having A LOT of low blood sugars so I have literally been taking my blood sugars like ten times a day. That is ten finger pricks a day. That is on average one finger prick, one bruise, one tiny little bat beating on each finger a day. Now, i have gotten kind of used to it but I hit one finger the other day and thought my knees were gonna buckle!!! It's rare that happens though.

The Vols won yesterday and they actually looked good doing it! Go Vols! Now the Colts need to win today!

Here We Go Again

So I have decided to write on here again.

There has been a lot go on since the last time i wrote on her. Well i guess i will just kind of start with the most recent. About a week ago i moved to Indiana to go to Nursing school and to just get healthy. I don't know if you know this about me but I have Diabetes. =)

I have never really taken care of myself and it is finally catching up with me. Geez, i sound like i am 80 years old. I'm only 26!! I shouldn't have to be dealing with this kind of stuff, right? Oh well I guess that is a conversation left for God and I to work out. Anyway, because of my extremely dull and non fighting immune system i kind of got the swine flu. I don't know about anyone else but when i think of an immune system fighting away sickness, I think of these little knights with armor on and swords! When I picture my immune system though I picture a bunch of guys laying out by the pool drinking pina coladas. They don't really feel like fighting away anything. On top of the flu, I have had something wrong with my foot for quite some time now. I went to different doctors asking what the hell was wrong and why I was in pain like it was broken and swollen three times the size of my other one if not more. Every doctor had a different story of how it could be this, it could be that. Telling me basically it was because of my diabetes and would go away the better my blood sugars were. It's funny that I am choosing a career to be working for doctors. Which the good ones are few and far between. Well, i went to the podiatrist this last Tuesday and he gave me some crushing news...I have something called charcot joint. Which first of all i want to say that if any of you read this then google it, my condition is not nearly as bad as any of the pictures that they show. It is basically because of poor management on my part of my disease and what has happened is that my ankle bone is shattered. It is non existent and so my tibia was resting on my heel bone. It is pretty freaking serious but he said he can fix it. I'm in a cast though and really can't get up to do anything. Which brings us to the perfect time to write on her again!!

So...that is what I'm doing. Just trying to get better before I start school. I'm bored a lot and I'm having a hard time this first week or so because of many different things that i will get into later. As for now I'm off to eat some broccoli cheese soup and get ready to watch the little ones trick or treat! Happy Halloween!!!

The bigger picture

I'm letting go. I'm ready to let go of all that has built up around me. I'm ready for my heart to beat with out having to catch my breath. I'm letting go of past relationships that i have wanted or needed an acceptance from because no man starting with my father never made me feel like i had. I was never able to let go of men that i was with because i needed for them to say that they needed me, that they were so unbelievably lucky to have me in their life, that they needed my love just as much as i needed theirs. If i never got that from them then i would hang on. hang on until every part of me, every part of who i am was gone. Well, I'm letting go. This all starts with the one person who started it all. The one person who was responsible for bringing me into this world, but had no idea what to do with the life that followed. I'm tired of hating him. I'm letting go of all the words that were spoken and all the love that was never shown. It makes my heart so heavy that i have no room to feel the love that i deserve to feel. it makes me doubt anything good that could come into my life. it makes me believe that there will never be someone who doesn't have to say they care or love me because they need my forgiveness. Well, i'm letting go. I'm for once drying my eyes to the pain of not having him love me the way that i should be loved. the way a daughter should feel like she his her dad's favorite little girl. I have an amazing man in my life that decided to love my mother the way that she deserved to be loved and he decided to take on this little girl and make her feel like she mattered and she was absolutely beautiful. I love you Bart and I am so fortunate that you decided to take a chance on loving not only my mom but me as well.

I'm letting go of the grudge i have of the cards that have been dealt to me. So, i don't have the best of hands. I have a disease that takes patience and it takes strength. It takes discipline and it takes an unbelievable amount of will power. But you know what, i have all of those things. I have an enormous amount of debt and I have things that weigh on my shoulders. But you know what, each day is a day that i can take a step. a step towards a life that is what i am meant for. I'm letting go of feeling sorry for myself because i have problems. Because you know what, everyone does.

So I'm letting go of the past twenty-five years and moving forward, looking forward with a free heart. I used to say that my heart was so broken from things in my past and i wasn't sure if i could ever put it back together but now i realize that it was never broken. It was just buried under all the things i had put upon it.

P.S. I had a great birthday!!

...it hurts

I don't really know how to start off this entry. I guess i can start with the conversation that i had earlier today. I was talking to my grandmother just about things that i get confused about. She told me to just take one day at a time. She said she knew it was hard to do but what more can you do right?

The past couple of days i have been kind of sick with a cold. I wake up every fifteen minutes with a shooting pain in a different part of my body or my muscles tense up so much that i feel like ripping them out of my skin. I have cold sweats at night and go to the bathroom every other minute cause my blood sugar is out of whack. It still hurts. It will be nine years at the beginning of june and it still hurts. My grandmother put it perfectly when she said that what really hurts us the most is what we can't understand. I kind of know that me having diabetes is for something so much bigger than me. there is something placed upon my heart that no one can see. A sound that is different from a beat. It's like i'm aware of my purpose in life but right now i'm just unsure of how to get there. Do I go this way or that way? Do I stay or do I leave? It still hurts after nine years. I still wake up every morning and think is it gonna be a good blood sugar day or a bad one. I still prick my finger and flinch at the sound of the needle pricking my finger. I still hesitate right before i give myself a shot. It still hurts and even though some people may look at me on the outside and say, wow i could never do that. Erin is so strong. or, wow i admire you for your strength and courage. In a way that is true because i have had to deal with some things that some people haven't had to deal with but...

I'm still just a girl. A girl that gets her heart broken. a girl that has hurt feelings and confused thoughts. A girl that laughs at the little things and loves to play outside. a girl that gets insecure and has to sometimes be told how beautiful she is. a girl that speaks out of turn and can cuss like a sailor when it's not really appropriate. a girl that when falls gets scraped and a girl that loves with everything that matters. a girl that has to make decisions that can determine her whole life and a girl that is so scared of turning the wrong way even down a one way street.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that, yes i may be strong but it still hurts from time to time and if i am being real and honest i can't deny that. I still don't know what i'm doing and my faith is dismal at best. I still lie about stupid things and i feel like i have to hide from the ones that love me the most. I still have moments when all i want to do is be numb and never have to feel anything again. I still don't take my blood sugar out of spite when the only person i am hurting is myself. It's a fine line that i haven't quite been able to understand its boundaries yet...

The Past Week

The past week has been so freaking emotional. I mean when is it gonna stop. Thank goodness i only get really crazy one week out of the month. It's like everyday i'm reevaluating my life, my relationships, my feelings and thoughts. It seems that the evaluation changes every single time i do it too.

my bio-dad told my brother the other day that it was basically my responsibility to keep in touch with him...what a freaking douche bag! I mean it's not like he has EVER taken the role of any kind of parent. Not even a shitty parent. So, it should not have surprised me but i guess it was just another slap in the face or realization that he doesn't care about his own daughter. UGH!!!!!

So, i have been toying with the idea of moving back to Tennessee at the end of the year but after careful consideration and lots of talks that really just end up going round and round, i have decided that it's not the best thing for me. Now, i say this with caution because i basically change my mind every five seconds. So, that leads me right back to Chicago but i'm gonna do a year of school here in Florida and then in May move up there. Kind of like a birthday present to myself. :)

I better stop writing before i go and start thinking and analyzing again. My blood sugar has been kind of not so good today. It's high and i can completely feel it. I think all the stress i have put on myself has been affecting it. On a positive note though i had some pineapple for breakfast, then some cottage cheese, tomatoes, and avocado for lunch with an apple for dessert. I'm getting ready to workout and then eat a healthy dinner and watch a movie. yay!

again...

I'm writing on here again cause i really feel better when i write down my thoughts instead of them just whirling away in my head.


I think as you guys know i'm a big fan of love. love can heal all things. all you need is love. that sort of stuff. I'm such a fan of being in love. I absolutely can not wait to be in love again. the kind of love that you have to stay awake just one more hour cause talking for eight hours straight just isn't enough. The kind of love that when you find out his favorite thing to do is curl up and watch movies, your heart skips a beat and the kind of love that makes you feel like you are the most beautiful, most lucky, most wonderful, and adored person on the earth. that is one of the best feelings ever. I would have to say that a very close second would be eating a really good cupcake. :)

I went and saw baby mama tonight and it's probably because i'm on my period and probably cause i'm about to turn twenty-five but of course i wanted one. A baby that is, for those of you who weren't quite clear on what i was referring to. I mean i don't really want one but i kind of do. it kind of got me thinking about things. Don't jump to conclusions, i wasn't analyzing things!!! just thinking about stuff. My fear of not being able to have kids is kind of an issue with me. It's actually not that big of a deal anymore cause there are so many other ways that i can have a family, it was just a thought.

Mainly what has been on my mind and it kind of has been for a while is my bio-dad. it still hurts and i know it always will. Actually i take that back it is not really a hurt, but kind of a sting. That sounds better. it stings a little when i think of him. It stings when i think about memories. It's funny cause he was the first person to ever break my heart. Its not supposed to be like that. Your dad is someone that should never cause you hurt and its funny cause he was the first and probably the worst. I mean i've dated guys and had friends that have hurt me but eventually i stop crying. eventually i can say truthfully that i'm ok. I hate more than anything that i'll never be able to say that about him. I want so badly just to say it's his loss, he missed out but really it's my loss too. i missed out on a lot. I know its not my fault and i am so unbelievably lucky to have a father in my life that would never hurt me, because i'm his daughter. we may not have the same blood running through our veins but i know more than anything that he loves me just the same.

i hope everyone had a great day...