Remembering

I'm having kind of a gloomy day today. It hasn't really been that bad of a day I just have been going over in my head some memories that hurt somewhat. I think that part of moving on is realizing that your past is part of who you are and i think that in order for me to live the way I want to I have to go through some of these memories and lean to let go and forgive. The memory that has been going through my heart and mind today is probably the most haunting. Just over two months ago. My body was dying and had limited time left. My mind was practically already there. I would only be awake for as long as I had to be, which was to go to work so I could make the cash I needed to go right back into my self induced comas. I was living off peanut butter, honey, frappacinos, and chicken wings. That was basically all I would eat. Oh and a lot of McDonalds. I can remember laying face down with barely any clothes on but I was still so hot. Every breath I would take a short sharp pain would stab my side. When I had to take a deep breath there was a pain that went through every part of my body leaving me with the thought that it was gonna be one of my last. Trying to stay awake for more than fifteen seconds was impossible. I could feel my body and it felt so small. It felt so weak and brittle. I remember trying to prepare myself to die. Everytime I would start to drift off my last thought would be is this the time that I don't wake up. It is really sad for me to think about these memories, cause it's just sad to know that I had those thoughts. To think of just how close I did come to losing it all. To think just how close I have come so many times to taking that last breath. Thinking about these things makes me realize that I must have a great purpose here on earth, or one hell of a job to do. I'm so grateful that I am still breathing and instead of asking is this gonna be my last, I'm now asking what is this next breath gonna hold for me?