Reality

Wow. I'm so mad at myself right now. I really need to find time to write on here more. This blog is gonna be kind of long cause there are a few things that i want to talk about.

First off, I am feeling better. I think I owe that to family and Christmas time. I spent the weekend with one set of grandparents and it really made me happy. Growing up, Jake and I did not get to spend a lot of time with all of our family because we had so much!!!! I mean we have three sets of grandparents alone!! We both know that we had no control really of who we got to spend time with but I really do regret not being able to spend more time with my grandmother on my dad's side before she passed away. This weekend was just really fun getting to know just a little bit more about my grandparents. How they met, how they fell in love, and just stories of their past. It just made me really happy. I also got a Starbucks mug which really made my heart sing!! :)

I say that i am feeling better, which is true, but I am not feeling great. I constantly struggle with taking care of myself. It blows my mind cause I don't even know why. I mean I am talking about life or death. If I do not take care of myself I will die. It's pretty black and white. Any person in their right mind would just do it, which leads me to believe that I'm not really in my right mind. I just don't understand. I was praying to God today just asking why I can't just take care of myself. And just now, I'm talking like seconds ago he answered me. Plain and simple he answered with, "Well Erin, you are lazy." It's true. I'm lazy and I want to take the easy road. It is so fucking hard to get up everyday and be a diabetic. Excuse my language but I wanted to have a firm word to make a point. It's hard and I am lazy. I am naturally lazy at pretty much everything. I used to just say that i was really layed back and kind of a go with the flow girl. Really though I'm thinking I might just be lazy. I get in these moods though when I'm not lazy and you better look out cause I can make plans, outlines, and lists like you have never seen. Then i get lazy again and never follow through. It's a harsh reality, I know. I have to make a change though. I'm not ready to die yet. I've got too much to live for.

I was talking to one of my really good friends last night. He is actually the one that pretty much saved my life. He is such an amazing guy. I swear he is like the wisdom above all wisdom. First of all he is so unbelievably smart and no matter what I am feeling he can just say three words that turn everything around. I mean I have heard these three words all my life but for some reason when he says them it just clicks. He said, "God loves you." Thats it. That is all he had to say and I felt pretty sure that i can do anything. He's pretty freaking awesome if you ask me!!! :)

So anyway, I'm working two jobs, staying busy and trying to save money. I will be in Chicago again!!!!! Sooner than later anyway. I love everyone that reads this and I really love the constant support!!!!

Once Again

I kind of feel like I fall really hard and then find the courage and strength somewhere to get back up and dust myself off. its like there is this little person inside of me that everyday fights a boxing match and at the end of most days she feels like she has lost and even if she has won for that day she is too exhausted from the fight to enjoy her victory. This little person really amazes me because everyday she wakes up inside me after I am usually the one that has knocked her down time and time again. She wakes up everyday ready to fight her fight for the day. Part of me cries when I think about this little person inside of me because of the strength she has day in and day out. I really have to sit down sometimes and realize that little person inside of me is my heart and my soul. Some days i feel so defeated and so warn down that its hard to get up again, but once again that little fighter in me, that little boxer that gets up everyday is once again ready to fight her fight...

Scared

So I haven't written very much lately. I am mad at myself for it. I found myself today feeling bad. Not physically. I guess more on an emotional side. A little over three months ago I was almost dead. I didn't really even feel it though. I had become numb to my disease. I had become numb to my pain in a lot of areas of my life. I had taken everything that hurt me and pushed it away and filled it with things that gave me a temporary happiness. I made a choice three months ago to actually start living my life. I knew that with that would come feeling again. Feeling the pain of a collective twenty four years. The pain of not having a father. The pain of losing guys in my life. The pain of losing friends in my life. There have been quite a few people that I let have a piece of my heart and they just took it and threw it away like it was a piece of unimportant paper. I knew that I was especially making a choice to accept the pain that has wieghed the most on my heart and that was the total denial of what was going on inside of my body. I have a disease. I have a disease that will last a lifetime. It makes me feel shaky, it makes me want to cry. It makes me want to punch in a wall. It makes every aspect of my life just a little more difficult than the rest. I want to scream at the top of my lungs until I can't breathe anymore. Tonight I'm scared. I'm scared to lose my life again. I'm scared because for the past week I haven't been taking care of myself and I'm scared because I don't even care. When I was in Nashville three months ago it was awful. I'm not gonna lie it was bad but, I was numb. I never felt a thing and although my heart was breaking, it was never hurting. So, what is better? feeling numb to everything, or feeling the hurt along with the happiness. I'm not so sure anymore. I'm scared. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want it to be difficult. I'm scared to hurt people that I love and I'm scared that no matter what I do or how great my life will ever be, no matter how much help, love, family, or prayer i will ever have, it may never be enough. I have a disease that i want to feel numb to and i'm scared that i will make the same mistake again. I'm scared that I have let it take me over and i'm scared to really feel what it is inside of me that hurts...

It's been a while

It has been too long since I have written anything on here. I don't really feel like writing right this second but I just wanted everyone to know that I'm alive and kickin'!!! Stay tuned for some great news!!!

Life

I'm sitting here thinking about just how precious life is. How it can be taken in a split second without warning at all. You know I was thinking about when we see on the news of drug dealers, or people that do bad things to other peoole. When we see that their life has been taken away sometimes we don't even blink an eye. When we see rappers get shot in some kind of drug war we don't even feel sorry. When we see someone like princess Diana's life get taken away the whole nation mourns. Why is that?? Is it not just as wrong when a person that may have made some mistakes in their life has their life taken away? They have a family. They have a mother and a father that now have no child. They have a friend that will miss them everyday. They had a life and whether it be filled with trying to help eveyone around them as much as they could or whether it was filled with rights and wrongs along the way, it was a life. A human being. A breathing, feeling, hoping, soul that will no longer be. All of my thoughts and prayers are with my family right now, and i can only hope that God will give strngth and courage to those in need.