Halloween!!!!!!!

So today is Halloween! Probably the worst holiday for diabetics. It is marked on all of our calendars as "The Day of Doom." I mean seriously as if it isn't hard enough to stay away from all that yummy chocolate and gooey goodness. Someone decided to mark a day where it is given out for FREE!!! 1. Candy is amazing on any day. 2. Free candy is like getting a puppy with a diamond ring around his neck, and a pair of car keys in his mouth. Ok, free candy is nowhere near as good as that, but it is still really good. Can you just imagine if you got a puppy with a diamond ring and keys to a new car? I think I would pee in my pants!!! I know that people say that saying all the time for various emotions, but i really think I would literally pee in my pants. For one I have to go to the bathroom all the time anyway and for two the sheer excitement of this event really happening would disable any bodily function!! Who knows maybe instead of peeing my pants I would just start spitting everywhere. I can't really say cause i've never come across this situation. Well of course yesterday was such a great amazing day, so naturally today was...well it was just shit. There is no other way to explain it. My blood sugar was high all day. Mainly cause I drank a mountain dew and had a mini snickers. Ok well I had a mini snickers, a mountain dew and a mini butterfinger. ok actually that was a lie. I had all that before and some skittles, goobers, and raisinettes. It's free candy people!! Don't judge me. Oh crap!! I had some hershey kisses too. They had caramel in them. Those things are so freaking good. I don't care who you are those things are good. Needless to say I might have had a little too much candy. I did eat a sugar free worther's original though. That has to count for something. I can feel it now though. My blood sugar is high and I'm feeling kind of crappy, but it's going down. I'm feeling better. I can't really complain cause i got to eat some candy and I new the consequences. My "Day of Doom," was well worth it.

Happy Halloween!!!!!

Take a step back

Sometimes you really just have to take a step back and realize that something greater than you is gonna take over. My mom has been trying to tell me that I really need to just say, "You know what God. I can't do this. I give this to you." Well I really did that today. There was a lot going on in my heart and head and I simply just said, "Here I am taking a step back. I'm giving this to you. Help me. Help me in any way that I need." Well I'm glad to say that right now at this very moment I feel like I can do anything. I'm not completely there. I mean it wasn't like I said these words and the heavens parted and everything in my life is now perfect. For the first time though, I really feel that every single broken piece of my heart that was on the floor is being swept up. Now it is time to put thost pieces back together. I know there will always be little chips of my heart that i will never find or get back, but those chips are what make me who I am and more importantly who i know i never want to be.

Update

I have started making fliers today for a support group. A group for Juvenile Diabetics the ages 18-30. I'm so excited about it I can hardly stand it!!! This is the start my friends of me making a difference!! Keep reading for great things to come!

Moments

The past few months have been a whirl wind of emotions. There are some moments that passed by that i didn't even get to feel. There is something to be said in a moment. There is a quote that says, " It's not about how many breaths you take. It's about how many moments take your breath away." I really feel like this is true. How much is a life, if you aren't living it? How much is it worth if you don't take time to realize that your breath was just taken away? When I first think of that quote I think of all the good things that take my breath away. A first kiss. A surprise of joy. An unexpected smile from a stranger. The first morning of fall. Watching the birth of a child. Or the first moment going down a hill on a roller coaster. As I sit here and drink my tea, I also think about the things that are not so great that have taken my breath away. A last goodbye. Waking up from a bad dream. Facing something that you don't want to face. Realizing that you are in trouble. Seeing police lights behind you. Running a mile without stopping. Someone jumping out of nowhere to scare you. I guess my point is that when i have a moment that takes my breath away, whether it be good or bad, it lets me know that I'm still breathing. I'm still living my life and not just letting it pass me by. No matter what kind of day i have at the end of it I find myself still breathing and for right now thats good enough for me.

Caring

I am having a really bad day today. I'm really emotional about a lot of things and all I want to do is run away from it all. I don't want to face the people that I've hurt or the things that i have said. I don't want to face the people that have hurt me or the things that have broken my heart. I just want to run from everything and not look back.

Making a diiference

I decided yesterday that I am going to make a difference. I really mean it too. I know a lot of people say I'm gonna make a difference, but then start to see a bee buzzing by and get all distracted. I really am gonna make a difference though. I don't exactly know how yet, but i have some ideas. So, mark my words. It's October 22, 2007 and I am going to make a difference. Watch out for more to come!!!!!

Joy

I'm sitting drinking my morning tea and I just close my eyes. The sound of silence fills me and the only thing i can feel is the slow and steady motion of my breathing. Thoughts of total joy pop into my brain as I effortlessly let them take me over. Swinging on the swing sets in the autumn, just when it starts to turn cold. Waking up but still being in a dream state. The sound of my sister laughing. Kisses on the forehead. The way a puppy nudges up against you to pet them. Reading the last page of an amazing book. Watching a movie that moves you. Listening to music that makes you want to dance. Tasting a new recipe for the first time and loving it. Talking at Starbucks for hours about nothing and everything. When something genuinely makes me smile. Knowing that today is gonna be better than yesterday. I think of all these things and I am filled with joy. I know that i have had some tough moments, and I definitely know that I have such a long way to go but at this moment. Right now at this very moment all I can feel is joy... and it feels wonderful.

PMS

You know I was thinking about this whole PMS thing and it really made me upset with Eve for taking a bite out of that apple. Can you just imagine how she felt after eating it. She had to deal with feeling all bloated and cranky for a whole week each month!!! Food cravings and being emotional about everything!! When I am on my period I find myself crying at the smallest of things like today for instance. I was driving home from work and my phone rang. Well, I couldn't get to it in time and I just completely lost it. I was like, Why??????? Why can't I just find my phone in time??????? Tears were streaming down my face, I was taking the double deep breath. You know the one were you are crying so hard you start to take a deep breath and in the middle of the first one you have to take another one. Why can't I just find the freaking phone??????? I calmed down and made it home ok Don't even get me started on how whack my blood sugars are during my period too. Those blood sugars shouldn't even count i mean they just shouldn't be aloud to be in the mix of them all. I really hate the suprise attack period too. You go into the restroom on a beautiful afternoon, and surprise!!! You are totally unprepared. Somehow you forgot to time everything out to the last minute. You haven't stocked up on tissues, chocolate or sad love movies. It always comes at the most inconvienent time too. When you are on a first date or in the middle of a test. I bet that when Eve had her first dose of PMS she was like, " Awwwww, maaaannn!!!! That is a decision I wish I could take back!!!"

Tired

I had a low blood sugar at about three this morning. It was a bad one too. The hunger was not that bad cause I was pretty sleepy but the cold sweats and the shakes were really bad for some reason. When I say the shakes and the sweats it makes me sound like a drug addict. I think its funny. Well not much to say today except I'm kind of tires from the endless life of diabetes. I just hate having diabetes. I think I could say that everyday and it never get old. I'm going to see a counselor tomorrow and I have been trying to come up with every excuse not to go. I know it will be good for me but there is just something inside me that is saying if I go to this session it will be a definite that I'm kind of messed up. I know its ridiculous. I started my period today which explains the highs and lows alternating every five minutes. I'm emotional as well. Oh the trials and tribulations of my life!

Do Blondes have more fun?

Ok, I'm gonna take a short break from the life of a diabetic for this entry. I am getting my hair cut soon and I'm going short. I really want it to be just like Jennifer Annistons hair on season eight of friends. I'm really contemplating taking a dvd into the hair salon with me. Anyway, i was talking about the color with my aunt and uncle and they said that being blonde is a totally different world. Not that they would personally know cause they are both brunette. Come to think of it why was i even listening to them? Just kidding. I really am thinking about doing it though. I want some feedback. Send me a shout!! Holla!! I don't really know what came over me in those last two sentences. I guess it is the hip hop dancer in me. Oh!! I don't think I have explained this yet. I have decided that I am gonna master the craft of hip hop dancing. I really think that when I was born God knew. He just knew that I was meant to get up, get down, and all around with hip hop. So, I'm gonna take some lessons although I'm not sure how much I need. I don't want to brag or anything, but it has been said that i have some mad skills. Dance skills my friends and I'm really not afraid to show them!! Have a great day!!

High Blood Sugars

I gotta tell you how annoying high blood sugars are. They don't really have an immediate physical annoyance especially if they are around 200 or so. I never know that I have a high until i check my sugar. Its like I'm going about my day. I had a great breakfast, played a little tennis, maybe watched a little Ellen Degeneres and had a few laughs. My stomach starts a rumblin. Oh!! It's time to eat a delicious, nutritious lunch. Prick my finger, which hurt a bit but not too bad this time. 5...4...3...2...1... BAAAAAMMM. A high blood sugar. I don't understand it? I did everything right. I calculated that it was that time of the month for me. I knew that I had taken exactly 5,653 1/2 steps all day. I accounted for the little giggle for Ellen. I knew that I was a little stressed about various things so I counted that. It was ten degrees higher today than yesterday, counted that. I ate 10/18ths of my apple so I know i counted my carbs correctly. Then it came to me!! I had tripped over a rock while trying to get as close as I could to a squirrel without it running away. I know that all of you have played this game. I actually got extremely close one time but thoughts of the squirrel attacking me popped into my head so I calmly and very slowly backed away. Anyway the point is that tripping over the rock and the fear of falling sent out millions of hormones through my body, therefore causing my blood sugar to rise. How annoying is that?? Stupid squirrel...

Finger Pricking

Here is something that I don't understand. My fingers must be totally mutated cause I can prick anyone of my fingers and get no blood at all. I'll prick the same finger a milometer away from the previous pricking and it squirts blood like I have hit a major artery. It's so strange. Finger pricking sucks by the way. You know how when you go to the doctor for a check up and you are thinking i can pee in a cup, i can get a flu shot, just please no finger pricking. The nurses at the doctors office also have a way of finding the one spot that will hurt the most. They also milk your finger like they are milking a cow if there is no blood coming out. I had two low sugars today and they sucked. I found myself sweating and shaking in my bed this morning. You think its awful to wake up to an alarm clock? Try waking up to the feeling of complete confusion, shaking, cold sweats, and wanting to eat and eat and eat. Its not too cool. Anyway, I'm just bitching about the glorious life of a diabetic.

I got a job

I got a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats it for today. I'm actually having a great day. Not because I found a job or made an appointment to see a counselor but because I just feel good. I feel good about being alive and just really being myself.

I just...don't know

When do you step in and say, "Let me help you. Let me take this off your shoulders. Let me make this easier for you." How far or how hard does someone you love have to fall before you say, "Let me pick you back up and dust you off." I think there is something in each and every one of us that yearns for someone to say, "it's ok." Everyone of us struggle in some way. The difference in a lot of us is that person that says, "It's ok." That person that shows you there is another way. Someone that can't take it all away but can make it just a bit easier. Someone to say, "this is gonna be hard. you are gonna have times that suck but you know what? It's ok. tomorrow may not be better, but i'll be here when it isn't." I love the part in Forrest Gump when Tom Hanks says, " I don't know much, but I know what love is." You don't have to be a genius to feel love. Love is simply this; when you are lost and almost gone it's the voice that says, "it's ok, let me help you find a way out of here." This voice can be from many or just one. Love is when you feel like you can no longer go on, that you might not make it another day and that voice says, "You can." I was in a deep deep whole that I felt like I was fighting to get out of but going nowhere. I had someone pull me out of that whole, and help me to see that I didn't have to hide anymore. They stepped in and said, "Let me help you. Let me get you out of here." I know that I have written about my mom before, but I think she is worth mentioning again. I don't think that I could ever explain how wonderful of a person she is. She is not only an amazing mother but if you ask any of her friends they would say that she is fantastic. The thing that amazes me the most is how much faith she has. Not only in God, but in herself, her marriage, her family and most of all me. She accepts me for everything that I am and everything that I'm not. I know you are thinking well, she is your mother, that is her job. She doesn't have to though. I know so many people that their mothers don't accept them for everything that they are. I am so lucky that I get to see Greyson, Harrison, and Lila with her. They look at her like she is the one and only important thing in their life. They may not act that way sometimes but they look at her like that. I'm sure it is very similar to the way that Jake and i look at her. She may not know it yet, but she has shaped me into everything that i have wanted to be. She has been the influence that I have always had but never knew.The great things that i know I will be are because she loves me. I wish I could be as strong as her, and I can't wait for the day that I say, "Wow, I sound just like my mom." I was lost and almost gone and she said, "It's ok."

Letting Go

I have realized that letting go is so hard to do. Letting go of things and people that made me feel safe. I felt safe in my lies about taking care of myself. I felt safe in hiding behind something that was killing me. It goes the same for some of the people in my life. I had to let go of some that I felt safe in but were not making me happy. It is tough letting all that go. For the past eight years I have felt safe and comfortable and now I feel scared and sad. I have so many people in my life that are amazing. They have pulled me and pushed me through things i would not have done alone. I was watching grey's last thursday and the ending was everything I have felt for so long. Grey said that although the thing that hurts us the most is painful it is less than the pain of letting it go. Letting go of everything is hard to do. Eight years of lies, hiding, and fear. It was killing me, but letting go of my safe place is hard. Letting go of the people that made me feel safe is hard. I have so many times tricked myself into thinking that some of these people were good for me. I put them in a light that was never true. I wanted them to be something that they never could be, or ever wanted to be. Its not their fault. They are good people at heart. Anyway, just thinking about that. I have had a pretty good day. My stomach has hurt a little, but then again when doesn't it? So, I am just ok today and that's alright with me.

Just Dance

So last might i was totally pumped and motivated about kicking ass and taking names with my life.

Well... I STILL AM!!!!! I'm so ready to make my life worth living. I really need to find a job. I'm almost getting bored. More than anything though I want some money. I woke up today with a bad attitude. I will admit it, i was a sour puss. I wish I could put some songs on here cause there are some songs that i listen to everyday that would make anyone want to dance. That is gonna be my new motto. I'm gonna dance! In all aspects of my life. I mean if you think about it dancing can be theraputic. It can be healing. It is good exercise. It releases tension, and lets all be honest here it's just plain fun! I encourage everyone to dance at some point today. Whether it's a slow dance with someone else, or just a little jig of your own. Get up off the couch and shake it like a rockstar! Love you guys!

Screw This!!

I'm listening to this song called Shine right now. It is by a woman named Laura Izibor. The first line is "Wake up one morning you realize, your life is one big compromise. You ask yourself there's got to be more than what I'm living for. You ask yourself there's got to be something else, something more. Well let the sun shine on your face. Don't let your life go to waste. Now is the time, got to make up your mind. Let it shine on you."

I got to thinking and you know what? I will be damned if this is gonna take me over. I am gonna make up my mind to fight this with everything that I have, not half ass like I have been doing. It's finally time for me to step up and be that strong person that everyone knows I am. I'm not gonna let this control me anymore. So, what if i have diabetes and so what If eat food just to throw it up. So what if I have a lot of issues because my biological father decided to not be a part of my life. So what if my boyfriend cheated on me. Shit happens. I've been knocked down by life quite a few times, but it's time for me to stand up, take the hit and move forward.

There is so much more that I will live for.

Today

Well the past couple of days have been tough. I have lost control of taking care of myself, and the one thing I could control hurt me just as much. Making myself throw up is such a gratification for me cause when everything around me is spinning it's the one thing that i have complete control of. It sucks. I'm going to talk to a counselor soon. Sometimes i sit and think about what i want my life to be and all the things that I want to make me happy. When looking at the big picture it seems so far away. It seems like an inevitable failure. All of this is so hard for me. It's even harder to share it with everyone. I think a lot of people for a long time have thought of me as this easy going, fun person. This has made me realize that everyone has shame for something. Everyone is afraid of something that is bigger than themselves. I know I'm not alone in this. I know my family and friends are there at the drop of a hat. I still feel so alone though sometimes. Today has been better. I haven't wanted to eat or throw up. I've taken my blood sugar and haven't eaten anything that I shouldn't have. Somehow I still don't feel in control. I still feel like everything around me is spinning out of my grasp and the more I try to hang on the farther everything gets. This whole thing will hopefully make me a stronger person cause I know it's definitely not going to kill me.

Hiding

Umm. This post is gonna be hard for me to write but I feel like I need to. I din't take my blood sugar all day yesterday. I took insulin but i don't really know if it was enough. or where my blood sugar was at all day. The worst part was that I made myself throw up yesterday. I ate as much as i could and then threw it all up. I don't even really know why. I don't feel like i am fat or anything. But it felt so good. It was like I was giving in to my addiction, but it felt so good. After I kind of didn't know what to do except cry. My aunt text me soon after that and I wanted so badly to just tell her. To reach to her for something, some kind of help. I couldn't though. I was afraid and ashamed of what she would think or what my whole family would think. Thoughts crossed my mind of they would make me stop, but did I really want to continue anyway. i sat and cried with the phone in my hands not knowing what to do. The past couple of days I have felt really good. I wonder though if it is because for the past couple of days i haven't been taking care of myself like I should. The past couple of days I have been comfortable in the hell of hiding like older days. My throat hurts today from yesterday, and I sit and cry as i write this. I cry because i know that I have a long way to go. I have struggles, and i have demons that i have to face. Most of me just wants to turn away from them and never look back. They won't ever go away though if I do that. I'm human and it's gonna not be easy. I'm more sure than anything i want to get better. I want to live a happy healthy life. It's getting to that life that I'm so unsure of...

I am LAZY!!

I'm not really that lazy, but it feels like it sometimes. I need to get a job, but I only want to work at a hospital and those jobs aren't just handed out like candy at a fourth of July parade. Haha. I just made that up. I have a confession to make though, since i have not been working i have been watching so much tv. I LOVE IT!! I mean i really love it. Most people would be would be going crazy being bored all day just watching tv. I think that these people have not taken the time to actually appreciate the world of reality tv. It can be sad, funny and even inspiring at times. I mean when Bret Michaels told the stripper that he couldn't see her anymore on Rock of Love, it was sad, funny and inspiring all in one!!! I'm just playing around, i still get out of the house and lay by the pool. Oh what a life I live. I'm enjoying myself actually. Being by myself and just sorting things out. It's going good. Hopefully tomorrow will be the same.

God Can You Find Me Here

I had a pretty good day today. I still have some physical issues going on with my body, but it was not too bad today. It is days like today though that give me just a little spark of hope that one day I will get better. Its the little moments when I laugh genuinely, or say something crazy. It's these moments that let me know even though i have been living in a world of lies for the past eight years, there are still pieces of the real me that exist. There are some days that I don't want to take this hard road. There are days that i would give anything to be someone different, to not have the struggles that I have had. I wish that I could just walk away from it all. The finger pricks would turn into ice cream cones. The shots would become day after day of happiness. There are so many days that i wake up thinking, "God can you just find me here?" Some days he finds me. Today he found me...

Sunshine and Rainbows

This made me cry, but it also made me smile. The thought of giving up just doesn't sound that great anymore. Thank you Ed.

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world
ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and
nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and
keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or
nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't
about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can
get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take
and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!
Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and
get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to
take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you
ain't where you are because of him, or her, or
anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're
better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter
what. No matter what happens. You're my son, you're my
blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you
start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a
life." ~Rocky Balboa~

Sick

I'm sick and not the cool kind. My whole body hurt yesterday and I was sick all night long. I was waking up every hour to get sick and then at about 4 it was every two hours. It's kind of frustrating because i was just getting over a sinus infection. My blood sugar was sky high! It makes me wonder if i will ever be ok. Have I already done too much damage to my body? It hurts a lot. Physically my whole body feels like a really bad heardache and then I have little sharp pains at random spoys every five seconds. These pains are horibble. It;s the kind of pain that makes you jump. Mentally i feel completely exhausted. I feel like no matter what I do it won't ever be ok. I feel like a crazy person because I'm an emotional wreck. One day I am so happy, the next i just don't even want to go on. I want to quit. I would rather be dead than do this everyday. I had a doctors appointment yesterday and she asked my if i was depressed or if I needed to be medicated. I was immediately like no, I get out of bed everyday. I still enjoy things. I don't want to be doped up on something all day long. My brother used to be pretty heavy into drugs. We had a conversation once and he said that one of the reasons he did drugs was because he just didn't want to feel anymore. I thought this was so sad. His life was so bad that he just didn't want to feel anything. I now understand what he meant. I have great moments, great friends, a great family. What more could I ask for, right?

A different me

I knew there was something that I wanted to write about. Have you ever wanted to be something that you're not. Not a different person, or anything like that. Not famous or really rich, but just a little different than what you normally are. For example today at the pharmacy. The guy told me that it would be about an hour until everything was done and I just wanted to be like, "Oh Really!!?, Really!?, cause what if I don't have an hour. What do you think about that? Huh chump?" I politely said, "Ok I'll be back in an hour." I just thought that would be funny, only to me though. He would probably think I was quite rude, as would all the people standing around. It would make me laugh inside though. Just a thought.

Well Osh Kosh Bagosh

I love today. I don't really know why cause I have had such a bad headache all day but I still love today! I even had to have a pap test today. What is wrong with me? On days that I have nothing go wrong, I feel like I want to kill myself. Then on days that everything has potential to ruin my day I'm on cloud nine. Welcome to being female...