I'm letting go. I'm ready to let go of all that has built up around me. I'm ready for my heart to beat with out having to catch my breath. I'm letting go of past relationships that i have wanted or needed an acceptance from because no man starting with my father never made me feel like i had. I was never able to let go of men that i was with because i needed for them to say that they needed me, that they were so unbelievably lucky to have me in their life, that they needed my love just as much as i needed theirs. If i never got that from them then i would hang on. hang on until every part of me, every part of who i am was gone. Well, I'm letting go. This all starts with the one person who started it all. The one person who was responsible for bringing me into this world, but had no idea what to do with the life that followed. I'm tired of hating him. I'm letting go of all the words that were spoken and all the love that was never shown. It makes my heart so heavy that i have no room to feel the love that i deserve to feel. it makes me doubt anything good that could come into my life. it makes me believe that there will never be someone who doesn't have to say they care or love me because they need my forgiveness. Well, i'm letting go. I'm for once drying my eyes to the pain of not having him love me the way that i should be loved. the way a daughter should feel like she his her dad's favorite little girl. I have an amazing man in my life that decided to love my mother the way that she deserved to be loved and he decided to take on this little girl and make her feel like she mattered and she was absolutely beautiful. I love you Bart and I am so fortunate that you decided to take a chance on loving not only my mom but me as well.
I'm letting go of the grudge i have of the cards that have been dealt to me. So, i don't have the best of hands. I have a disease that takes patience and it takes strength. It takes discipline and it takes an unbelievable amount of will power. But you know what, i have all of those things. I have an enormous amount of debt and I have things that weigh on my shoulders. But you know what, each day is a day that i can take a step. a step towards a life that is what i am meant for. I'm letting go of feeling sorry for myself because i have problems. Because you know what, everyone does.
So I'm letting go of the past twenty-five years and moving forward, looking forward with a free heart. I used to say that my heart was so broken from things in my past and i wasn't sure if i could ever put it back together but now i realize that it was never broken. It was just buried under all the things i had put upon it.
P.S. I had a great birthday!!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
...it hurts
I don't really know how to start off this entry. I guess i can start with the conversation that i had earlier today. I was talking to my grandmother just about things that i get confused about. She told me to just take one day at a time. She said she knew it was hard to do but what more can you do right?
The past couple of days i have been kind of sick with a cold. I wake up every fifteen minutes with a shooting pain in a different part of my body or my muscles tense up so much that i feel like ripping them out of my skin. I have cold sweats at night and go to the bathroom every other minute cause my blood sugar is out of whack. It still hurts. It will be nine years at the beginning of june and it still hurts. My grandmother put it perfectly when she said that what really hurts us the most is what we can't understand. I kind of know that me having diabetes is for something so much bigger than me. there is something placed upon my heart that no one can see. A sound that is different from a beat. It's like i'm aware of my purpose in life but right now i'm just unsure of how to get there. Do I go this way or that way? Do I stay or do I leave? It still hurts after nine years. I still wake up every morning and think is it gonna be a good blood sugar day or a bad one. I still prick my finger and flinch at the sound of the needle pricking my finger. I still hesitate right before i give myself a shot. It still hurts and even though some people may look at me on the outside and say, wow i could never do that. Erin is so strong. or, wow i admire you for your strength and courage. In a way that is true because i have had to deal with some things that some people haven't had to deal with but...
I'm still just a girl. A girl that gets her heart broken. a girl that has hurt feelings and confused thoughts. A girl that laughs at the little things and loves to play outside. a girl that gets insecure and has to sometimes be told how beautiful she is. a girl that speaks out of turn and can cuss like a sailor when it's not really appropriate. a girl that when falls gets scraped and a girl that loves with everything that matters. a girl that has to make decisions that can determine her whole life and a girl that is so scared of turning the wrong way even down a one way street.
I guess what i'm trying to say is that, yes i may be strong but it still hurts from time to time and if i am being real and honest i can't deny that. I still don't know what i'm doing and my faith is dismal at best. I still lie about stupid things and i feel like i have to hide from the ones that love me the most. I still have moments when all i want to do is be numb and never have to feel anything again. I still don't take my blood sugar out of spite when the only person i am hurting is myself. It's a fine line that i haven't quite been able to understand its boundaries yet...
The past couple of days i have been kind of sick with a cold. I wake up every fifteen minutes with a shooting pain in a different part of my body or my muscles tense up so much that i feel like ripping them out of my skin. I have cold sweats at night and go to the bathroom every other minute cause my blood sugar is out of whack. It still hurts. It will be nine years at the beginning of june and it still hurts. My grandmother put it perfectly when she said that what really hurts us the most is what we can't understand. I kind of know that me having diabetes is for something so much bigger than me. there is something placed upon my heart that no one can see. A sound that is different from a beat. It's like i'm aware of my purpose in life but right now i'm just unsure of how to get there. Do I go this way or that way? Do I stay or do I leave? It still hurts after nine years. I still wake up every morning and think is it gonna be a good blood sugar day or a bad one. I still prick my finger and flinch at the sound of the needle pricking my finger. I still hesitate right before i give myself a shot. It still hurts and even though some people may look at me on the outside and say, wow i could never do that. Erin is so strong. or, wow i admire you for your strength and courage. In a way that is true because i have had to deal with some things that some people haven't had to deal with but...
I'm still just a girl. A girl that gets her heart broken. a girl that has hurt feelings and confused thoughts. A girl that laughs at the little things and loves to play outside. a girl that gets insecure and has to sometimes be told how beautiful she is. a girl that speaks out of turn and can cuss like a sailor when it's not really appropriate. a girl that when falls gets scraped and a girl that loves with everything that matters. a girl that has to make decisions that can determine her whole life and a girl that is so scared of turning the wrong way even down a one way street.
I guess what i'm trying to say is that, yes i may be strong but it still hurts from time to time and if i am being real and honest i can't deny that. I still don't know what i'm doing and my faith is dismal at best. I still lie about stupid things and i feel like i have to hide from the ones that love me the most. I still have moments when all i want to do is be numb and never have to feel anything again. I still don't take my blood sugar out of spite when the only person i am hurting is myself. It's a fine line that i haven't quite been able to understand its boundaries yet...
Friday, May 2, 2008
The Past Week
The past week has been so freaking emotional. I mean when is it gonna stop. Thank goodness i only get really crazy one week out of the month. It's like everyday i'm reevaluating my life, my relationships, my feelings and thoughts. It seems that the evaluation changes every single time i do it too.
my bio-dad told my brother the other day that it was basically my responsibility to keep in touch with him...what a freaking douche bag! I mean it's not like he has EVER taken the role of any kind of parent. Not even a shitty parent. So, it should not have surprised me but i guess it was just another slap in the face or realization that he doesn't care about his own daughter. UGH!!!!!
So, i have been toying with the idea of moving back to Tennessee at the end of the year but after careful consideration and lots of talks that really just end up going round and round, i have decided that it's not the best thing for me. Now, i say this with caution because i basically change my mind every five seconds. So, that leads me right back to Chicago but i'm gonna do a year of school here in Florida and then in May move up there. Kind of like a birthday present to myself. :)
I better stop writing before i go and start thinking and analyzing again. My blood sugar has been kind of not so good today. It's high and i can completely feel it. I think all the stress i have put on myself has been affecting it. On a positive note though i had some pineapple for breakfast, then some cottage cheese, tomatoes, and avocado for lunch with an apple for dessert. I'm getting ready to workout and then eat a healthy dinner and watch a movie. yay!
my bio-dad told my brother the other day that it was basically my responsibility to keep in touch with him...what a freaking douche bag! I mean it's not like he has EVER taken the role of any kind of parent. Not even a shitty parent. So, it should not have surprised me but i guess it was just another slap in the face or realization that he doesn't care about his own daughter. UGH!!!!!
So, i have been toying with the idea of moving back to Tennessee at the end of the year but after careful consideration and lots of talks that really just end up going round and round, i have decided that it's not the best thing for me. Now, i say this with caution because i basically change my mind every five seconds. So, that leads me right back to Chicago but i'm gonna do a year of school here in Florida and then in May move up there. Kind of like a birthday present to myself. :)
I better stop writing before i go and start thinking and analyzing again. My blood sugar has been kind of not so good today. It's high and i can completely feel it. I think all the stress i have put on myself has been affecting it. On a positive note though i had some pineapple for breakfast, then some cottage cheese, tomatoes, and avocado for lunch with an apple for dessert. I'm getting ready to workout and then eat a healthy dinner and watch a movie. yay!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
