Disappointed

Ok I happen to know that there are poeple that read my blog everyday and I also happen to know that some of those people can be very witty. So, my question is why haven't i had one response to my request to help me with finding new names for my high and low blood sugars. I'm just gonna have to go ahead and be honest here and say I'm a little disappointed!!!!! my blood sugars are pretty steady right now, which is good. I am so proud of myself cause I have been doing so great at working out!!! Yay!!

Cheating Destiny

I wrote on here earlier but I just had to write again. I was at Starbucks this morning drinking my tea and reading A book called Cheating Destiny. The author is James S. Hirsch. It is an eye opening look into the life of a diabetic especially a two year old boy. Everyone go get this book. Go to your library, go to the bookstore. I don't care just go get this book. There are so many of you that read this daily and only know what Diabetes is like from my blogs. This man in this book says everything that I have ever wanted to say and so much more. For all of you that are getting me presents for Christmas, don't. Instead go get this book and read it. Simply knowing what my life really is day in and day out means more to me than anything. The little boy in this book is the whole reason that I am going to school and he is the reason that i want to become someone that can help. Someone that can understand and say, "this is gonna hurt but, you can do it." Please, please, please read this book and maybe everyone will understand at least one tenth more of why it is so important to educate people about this disease and the overall importance to finding a cure.

It's Early!!!

It is almost 6:00 a.m. here in good old florida. I am trying to get up earlier cause i feel like so much time is wasted by sleeping in. Even if I get up at around 10:00, which is like four hours earlier than what I was getting up at, i still feel that there could be so much more to do. Even if it is to watch cartoons with lila. listening to her laugh makes me so happy and I would miss it if I slept in. Doing yoga and breathing slowly in and out for twenty minutes is one of the best things I have ever thought of doing. I don't know why but it is such a sense of peace. I could have a low or a high blood sugar but when i am in that place I don't have diabetes. I have no problems at all. All i feel is every inhale and every exhale. Speaking of low and high blood sugar, my mom and I were trying to come up with some different names to call them. For example, if i was having a low i could say, "I'm having circus show right now." or if i was having a high i could say, "well i have to go into the office today" so I'm not to happy about that. Fun stuff like that. Anyway, we haven't found anything really awesome yet. So, help me out. Put your thinking caps on and give me some ideas! Thanks!

Starbucks

I am totally in love with Starbucks. It is one of my favorite places on earth. Just imagine my excitement being in a starbucks on Michigan Avenue on my break from teaching little kids how to manage and deal with their diabetes, looking at a picture of my toy yorkshire terrier in my totally amazing apartment. It makes me giddy just thinking about it. I can't wait!! ok, enough of my daydreaming. Starbucks is just such an awesome place. The chai tea captivates me as i watch the different people walk out with their little pieces of heaven in styrofoam cups. The music is so soothing it just makes me want to sink into a plush, over sized chair. Which they have there. Who cares that it is so ridiculously over priced. If it brings me even a moments sense of goodness, i'm gonna take it. I'm gonna take it and pay whatever they want, no questions asked. I got my tea for free today because they couldn't break a hundred dollar bill. I was just so thankful. That is the only word that I can think of. Thankful that my world is a tiny bit better because of my wonderful friends at starbucks!!!! I hope that everyone finds there moment of goodness today...

I get to

Earlier today I found myself smiling for no reason at all and for so many reasons there are to many to count. I realized that i get to...

I get to make my sister smile. I get to breathe. I get to walk and see and smell. I get to taste some of the most amazing food. I get to feel what its like to love with all of my heart. I get to eat a cupcake. I get to listen to music so unbelievably moving it brings me to tears. I ge to laugh at small things. I get to watch a squirrel run up a tree. I get to have my heart broken. I get to learn from my mistakes. I get to have second chances. I get to play on the playground. I get to have freinds that will listen. I get to sleep in a bed. I get to be beautiful. I get to use a computer every day. I get to write exactly what I'm feeling. I get to drink starbucks. I get to shop. I get to want things that aren't needed. I get to eat my mom's mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving. I get to cry when I want to. I get to change my mind. I get to dress up. i get to drink a glass of wine. I get to have good conversations. I get to work hard for the things I want. I get to have dreams and goals. I get to eat a peanut butter and honey sandwhich everyday if i want to. I get to be with my family everyday. I get to take hot showers. I get to swim in the ocean. I get to be mad. I get to be sorry. I get to be loved. I get to pick flowers. i get to drink tea. I get to sing in the car. I get to smile when I'm happy. I get to light candles. I get to smell christmas trees. I get to be anything i want to be whenever i want to be it...

I get to just because. Think about all the carzy wonderful things you get to do just simply because you get to. I bet it will make you smile too.

Busy Bee

I have been so busy lately it has been really hard to write. Things are on the up and up though. I'm feeling better. Exercising everyday. I went to my doctor last week and he gave me like ten bottles of insulin for FREE!!!!! That was so nice of him. They are expensive especially when you don't have insurance. He is awesome too!!! He changed my dose of insulin and my blood sugars have been significantly better. I am liking my job somewhat. It's better than nothing, I'm making money, and it keeps me busy so I can't complain. Well Anyway I'm off to exercise...

Thank You

I thank God that I am alive today.

Faith

One definition for faith is the firm belief in something for which there is no proof. For some people faith comes easily. The optimistic, the hopeful find it easy to have total and complete faith in something to which may not be true. So many people have faith in so many different crazy things. They find it easier to put their faith in something other than themselves. It is easier to believe in something that so many other people believe in rather than taking the chance to believe in someone. The last week or so I have come to realize that having faith in anything requires you to really have faith in yourself first. Truely believing that inside yourself there is something that is gonna make a difference. Once I have that faith then no cold, flu or any illness will be able to stop it. Jimmy Carter once said,"I have one life and one chance to make it count for something...I'm free to chose what that something is, and the something I've chosen is my faith. Now, my faith goes beyond theology and religion and requires considerable work and effort. My faith demands-that is not optional-my faith demands that I do whatever I can, wherever I am, whenever i can, for as long as i can with whatever i have to try and make a difference."

Day by Day

It's been a couple of days since I have written on here. Things are getting better. Physically each day is getting better, so that makes it a little easier for my emotional state. It's just really hard. I'm not patient at all and I totally want to take things too fast. I have to realize that my body is trying to recover from eight years of abuse and it's not just gonna bounce back in a couple of months. I'm geting there though. That has to count for something...

Hmmm....

Well today has been better. I guess that is all i can say. I wish that i could write on here that everything is great and awesome but it's just not. This is the toughest I think it has been since really deciding to better myself. Physically today has been pretty good. I have had this weird feeling in my body all day long but it isn't really a bad feeling just strange. Emotionally I haven't cried today which I think is a good thing. I found myself alone in my thoughts a lot today which is also a good thing. Not only was I really sick this past week but my thoughts were all cloudy and so unclear. Clarity is such a beautiful thing. I wish I had more of it, more often. Well I guess that is all I have today. I knew this road would be hard when i chose to take it and I knew that there would be times of absolute madness and i chose to take it anyway. I know in my heart there will come a day when I can just breathe with ease and think wow look how far I've come...

Obviously

So, as you can tell I have not had that great of a week. just when I can feel the warmth of the sun again the clouds seem to cover it up. I wasn't sure if I was even gonna write tonight cause I'm feeling pretty bad. I'm feeling bad in pretty much every way. Physically I want to kill my body. Literally I'm done with it. I'm gonna be honest here and go ahead and say that this past week I have thought about just quiting, giving up, throwing in the towel and bow out gracefully. I guess that is why this week has been so hard because my body is done, it does not want to play this game of life anymore. My heart and soul have been pushed down into the mud and walked all over, but each time they get up. Each time they find something worth getting up for. It really amazes me what I can be put through and my heart as broken as it is, keeps beating. I had a chat with God earlier and I said, "I know that you have great plans for me, and I know that this is something that i have to go through to do these great things. I know that in order for me to do wonderful things this pain is gonna hurt, but please just let me breathe. Just a few moments just let me breathe." I guess I also want to ask of anyone that reads this if you are religious or not just pray for me. Just pray that I can breathe for just a short time. I know that although my heart has been pushed in the mud, bruised and even broken a little, it's a fighter it just needs a little help getting started once again after a pretty hard fall...

Not Yet

Well I jumped the gun on that last message. It is like I am playing a game and just when I think my luck has seemed to be up, I lose a turn. It is so frustrating. I did feel better today but I have little spells where I just feel so bad, nothing like it was a couple of days ago. I mean I'm not rocking back and forth in a little ball, sobbing while I try to plead to God to make it stop, but it still sucks. That is just plain and simple. Having Diabetes just sucks, and it is something that I live with. I'm strong and I have become that way because of what has come my way but it still just sucks. Well another day lived is another good day I guess. Thank you to everyone for CONSTANT support. I would never be me without you!

Getting There

I'm feeling better today. Although yesterday i felt defeated, I have made it through once again. I am just glad it's over for now.....

Low Points

I am sitting here writing this through swollen teary eyes, desperately pleading and praying to God to just make it better. If not forever at least for now. I just really wonder to myself how many times can one person be broken before they can never be put back together again? The pain inside me has grown into something that i can no longer bare. Physically, emotionally, mentally, there is no escaping it and I feel like I'm drowning gasping for air. Reaching for some surface and at times I feel it and it is the best damn air imaginable. Just when I get a taste, a thought of maybe things will be ok a wave comes and knocks me down again. I know that I am so unbelievably lucky to have the support that i get day in and day out. That is what keeps me swimming, but I'm tired. I'm treading water here with no sign of a shore. I'm breathing in deep with no oxygen.

Super Sick

Man oh man...I AM SICK!! It is just awful. I mean I have been really sick before like deathly ill but i feel like my body has just been thrown around like a rag doll. I cried today,well it was more like sobbed. I'm not really sure if i have ever cried like that before. I just really really felt defeated. My diabetes got the best of me and I was over it. I think that I am really good with words but somehow i just can't figure out the way to explain how i physically feel sometimes. It's awful. its almost like the feeling you get when you are running and you feel like your legs are gonna give out and each breath you take is just another struggle to take the next breath. The feeling of almost to the point of passing out, but trying to hang on. The feeling that everyone of your nerve endings are like fireworks constantly going off for hours. The little stabs of pain hurt so bad i twitch. Every muscle is sore and stiff. The cold chills are rough, and the fevers make me feel like my skin is on fire. I just couldn't do it today. I was down for the count. I lost this round and in my heart i feel today that i will probably lose the match as well...

Stupid

Ooohhhh I hate my diabetes, Ohhhhhhh I hate my diabetes, Ohhhhh I haaaaaaate my diabetes. That was a little diddy i just cooked up for you guys. I just had to spend $200 on my insulin. That I really don't have. Do you realize what you can get for $200? I could have gotten my hair cut and highlighted. I could have bought a cute pair of jeans. $200 could have bought me like 1000 cookies. So, I'm taking donations for my diabetic fund. No, I'm just kidding. I mean I would take the money, or gifts if you prefer. No, I'm just kidding again. Seriously though I would accept it. just a thought. I have to go exercise now. Just another thing that my stupid diabetes makes me do. It's not like I wake up and think oh I think I'll go run a few miles today. I need to trim off a few pounds. I wake up and think, well I guess I better go run for a while so I don't die or anything. Maybe I'll take a walk today so I don't have sugar spilling out into my pee. I should probably swim a couple of laps so my blood won't turn to acid. It's fun thoughts like those that get me pumped about my day. I think I'm gonna get a punching bag and paste signs on it that say things like, "dry mouth", "peeing every 15 minutes", No cupcakes", "Exercise", "Low blood sugar", "High blood sugar", "Shots (not the good kind)", Blood sugar (for the simple fact that I even have to know what it is)." I bet then it would be easy for me to exercise. I would just go hit that all day. I really want to be mad at someone, just anyone. Like I want to just go in the grocery store and as someone is passing by look in their cart and point out the things that I can't really eat, while yelling at them. Just screaming, " I can't have that, you wanna know why cause I have diabetes!! Yeah I have diabetes so that makes me mad at you!! Now get out of here!!!!" And then while they are wheeling away I mumble, "Stupid Chronic diseases." They would look back at me like I was crazy and I would just yell, "I SAID GET OUT OF HERE!!!" I think that would make me feel a little bit better about things...

Remembering

I'm having kind of a gloomy day today. It hasn't really been that bad of a day I just have been going over in my head some memories that hurt somewhat. I think that part of moving on is realizing that your past is part of who you are and i think that in order for me to live the way I want to I have to go through some of these memories and lean to let go and forgive. The memory that has been going through my heart and mind today is probably the most haunting. Just over two months ago. My body was dying and had limited time left. My mind was practically already there. I would only be awake for as long as I had to be, which was to go to work so I could make the cash I needed to go right back into my self induced comas. I was living off peanut butter, honey, frappacinos, and chicken wings. That was basically all I would eat. Oh and a lot of McDonalds. I can remember laying face down with barely any clothes on but I was still so hot. Every breath I would take a short sharp pain would stab my side. When I had to take a deep breath there was a pain that went through every part of my body leaving me with the thought that it was gonna be one of my last. Trying to stay awake for more than fifteen seconds was impossible. I could feel my body and it felt so small. It felt so weak and brittle. I remember trying to prepare myself to die. Everytime I would start to drift off my last thought would be is this the time that I don't wake up. It is really sad for me to think about these memories, cause it's just sad to know that I had those thoughts. To think of just how close I did come to losing it all. To think just how close I have come so many times to taking that last breath. Thinking about these things makes me realize that I must have a great purpose here on earth, or one hell of a job to do. I'm so grateful that I am still breathing and instead of asking is this gonna be my last, I'm now asking what is this next breath gonna hold for me?