The bigger picture

I'm letting go. I'm ready to let go of all that has built up around me. I'm ready for my heart to beat with out having to catch my breath. I'm letting go of past relationships that i have wanted or needed an acceptance from because no man starting with my father never made me feel like i had. I was never able to let go of men that i was with because i needed for them to say that they needed me, that they were so unbelievably lucky to have me in their life, that they needed my love just as much as i needed theirs. If i never got that from them then i would hang on. hang on until every part of me, every part of who i am was gone. Well, I'm letting go. This all starts with the one person who started it all. The one person who was responsible for bringing me into this world, but had no idea what to do with the life that followed. I'm tired of hating him. I'm letting go of all the words that were spoken and all the love that was never shown. It makes my heart so heavy that i have no room to feel the love that i deserve to feel. it makes me doubt anything good that could come into my life. it makes me believe that there will never be someone who doesn't have to say they care or love me because they need my forgiveness. Well, i'm letting go. I'm for once drying my eyes to the pain of not having him love me the way that i should be loved. the way a daughter should feel like she his her dad's favorite little girl. I have an amazing man in my life that decided to love my mother the way that she deserved to be loved and he decided to take on this little girl and make her feel like she mattered and she was absolutely beautiful. I love you Bart and I am so fortunate that you decided to take a chance on loving not only my mom but me as well.

I'm letting go of the grudge i have of the cards that have been dealt to me. So, i don't have the best of hands. I have a disease that takes patience and it takes strength. It takes discipline and it takes an unbelievable amount of will power. But you know what, i have all of those things. I have an enormous amount of debt and I have things that weigh on my shoulders. But you know what, each day is a day that i can take a step. a step towards a life that is what i am meant for. I'm letting go of feeling sorry for myself because i have problems. Because you know what, everyone does.

So I'm letting go of the past twenty-five years and moving forward, looking forward with a free heart. I used to say that my heart was so broken from things in my past and i wasn't sure if i could ever put it back together but now i realize that it was never broken. It was just buried under all the things i had put upon it.

P.S. I had a great birthday!!

...it hurts

I don't really know how to start off this entry. I guess i can start with the conversation that i had earlier today. I was talking to my grandmother just about things that i get confused about. She told me to just take one day at a time. She said she knew it was hard to do but what more can you do right?

The past couple of days i have been kind of sick with a cold. I wake up every fifteen minutes with a shooting pain in a different part of my body or my muscles tense up so much that i feel like ripping them out of my skin. I have cold sweats at night and go to the bathroom every other minute cause my blood sugar is out of whack. It still hurts. It will be nine years at the beginning of june and it still hurts. My grandmother put it perfectly when she said that what really hurts us the most is what we can't understand. I kind of know that me having diabetes is for something so much bigger than me. there is something placed upon my heart that no one can see. A sound that is different from a beat. It's like i'm aware of my purpose in life but right now i'm just unsure of how to get there. Do I go this way or that way? Do I stay or do I leave? It still hurts after nine years. I still wake up every morning and think is it gonna be a good blood sugar day or a bad one. I still prick my finger and flinch at the sound of the needle pricking my finger. I still hesitate right before i give myself a shot. It still hurts and even though some people may look at me on the outside and say, wow i could never do that. Erin is so strong. or, wow i admire you for your strength and courage. In a way that is true because i have had to deal with some things that some people haven't had to deal with but...

I'm still just a girl. A girl that gets her heart broken. a girl that has hurt feelings and confused thoughts. A girl that laughs at the little things and loves to play outside. a girl that gets insecure and has to sometimes be told how beautiful she is. a girl that speaks out of turn and can cuss like a sailor when it's not really appropriate. a girl that when falls gets scraped and a girl that loves with everything that matters. a girl that has to make decisions that can determine her whole life and a girl that is so scared of turning the wrong way even down a one way street.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that, yes i may be strong but it still hurts from time to time and if i am being real and honest i can't deny that. I still don't know what i'm doing and my faith is dismal at best. I still lie about stupid things and i feel like i have to hide from the ones that love me the most. I still have moments when all i want to do is be numb and never have to feel anything again. I still don't take my blood sugar out of spite when the only person i am hurting is myself. It's a fine line that i haven't quite been able to understand its boundaries yet...

The Past Week

The past week has been so freaking emotional. I mean when is it gonna stop. Thank goodness i only get really crazy one week out of the month. It's like everyday i'm reevaluating my life, my relationships, my feelings and thoughts. It seems that the evaluation changes every single time i do it too.

my bio-dad told my brother the other day that it was basically my responsibility to keep in touch with him...what a freaking douche bag! I mean it's not like he has EVER taken the role of any kind of parent. Not even a shitty parent. So, it should not have surprised me but i guess it was just another slap in the face or realization that he doesn't care about his own daughter. UGH!!!!!

So, i have been toying with the idea of moving back to Tennessee at the end of the year but after careful consideration and lots of talks that really just end up going round and round, i have decided that it's not the best thing for me. Now, i say this with caution because i basically change my mind every five seconds. So, that leads me right back to Chicago but i'm gonna do a year of school here in Florida and then in May move up there. Kind of like a birthday present to myself. :)

I better stop writing before i go and start thinking and analyzing again. My blood sugar has been kind of not so good today. It's high and i can completely feel it. I think all the stress i have put on myself has been affecting it. On a positive note though i had some pineapple for breakfast, then some cottage cheese, tomatoes, and avocado for lunch with an apple for dessert. I'm getting ready to workout and then eat a healthy dinner and watch a movie. yay!

again...

I'm writing on here again cause i really feel better when i write down my thoughts instead of them just whirling away in my head.


I think as you guys know i'm a big fan of love. love can heal all things. all you need is love. that sort of stuff. I'm such a fan of being in love. I absolutely can not wait to be in love again. the kind of love that you have to stay awake just one more hour cause talking for eight hours straight just isn't enough. The kind of love that when you find out his favorite thing to do is curl up and watch movies, your heart skips a beat and the kind of love that makes you feel like you are the most beautiful, most lucky, most wonderful, and adored person on the earth. that is one of the best feelings ever. I would have to say that a very close second would be eating a really good cupcake. :)

I went and saw baby mama tonight and it's probably because i'm on my period and probably cause i'm about to turn twenty-five but of course i wanted one. A baby that is, for those of you who weren't quite clear on what i was referring to. I mean i don't really want one but i kind of do. it kind of got me thinking about things. Don't jump to conclusions, i wasn't analyzing things!!! just thinking about stuff. My fear of not being able to have kids is kind of an issue with me. It's actually not that big of a deal anymore cause there are so many other ways that i can have a family, it was just a thought.

Mainly what has been on my mind and it kind of has been for a while is my bio-dad. it still hurts and i know it always will. Actually i take that back it is not really a hurt, but kind of a sting. That sounds better. it stings a little when i think of him. It stings when i think about memories. It's funny cause he was the first person to ever break my heart. Its not supposed to be like that. Your dad is someone that should never cause you hurt and its funny cause he was the first and probably the worst. I mean i've dated guys and had friends that have hurt me but eventually i stop crying. eventually i can say truthfully that i'm ok. I hate more than anything that i'll never be able to say that about him. I want so badly just to say it's his loss, he missed out but really it's my loss too. i missed out on a lot. I know its not my fault and i am so unbelievably lucky to have a father in my life that would never hurt me, because i'm his daughter. we may not have the same blood running through our veins but i know more than anything that he loves me just the same.

i hope everyone had a great day...

Blah...

I woke up to my alarm clock this morning at around 8. I hit the snooze for about 45 minutes until i couldn't anymore cause i felt the uneasiness of a low blood sugar. Barely awake and hardly able to function i squeezed the glucose gel into my mouth and started taking deep breaths waiting for the feeling of normalcy to creep back into my body. It was 37 this morning, which is pretty low. My day has been pretty blah since then. my stomach has been all messed up today, which is nothing really unusual. I have just kind of felt gross all day. I have just been in bed. I've been productive but it has all been through emailing, and getting information on my chicago stuff. Since i have a laptop i decided that i really didn't need to go anywhere with it. I think i might walk to starbucks here in a little bit though. I'm really just trying to do everything i can so i don't have to sit down and pay bills or do laundry, which are probably two of my least favorite things to do. ugh!! i just feel so gross today. blah...

oh my goodness!!!!!

It has been a while, i know i know. I have been getting crap from all of you for not writing on here!!! just kidding. Honestly i really don't even have a good reason why i haven't written on here. Just lazy, i guess. I have been feeling a little bit better lately. I was going through some rough patches not really knowing physically what was wrong with me. Everything was making me sick and making me feel bad. it's a little better now though. i think the conclusion may have come to be chrone's disease. At this point i would actually welcome that verdict just for the simple fact of knowing what is the matter.

So, i kind of spent this weekend lost in my thoughts about my life and i have come to the conclusion that i hate doing that. i do it all the freaking time too. I get in these moods where all i do is analyze and after i analyze for so long all i come up with is that i over analyze. I've decided that life, love, and all my happiness is gonna be whatever it is gonna be. No matter if i spend hours upon hours obsessing about it or if i just wing it. It's gonna end up the same way. Some no more analyzing for me... yeah right. I know that is what you all were thinking!!!! I'm really gonna try though.

I hope everyone is having a great week so far!!!!

Funny Stuff!!!

I had to put this on here for everyone to read because it made me laugh so hard!!! Mainly because i could see myself writing something like this at least once a month!!!!



This is an actual letter from an Austin woman, sent to American
company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She
really
gets rolling after the first paragraph... This letter was named PC
Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning
letter....

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak
Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up
and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to
be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a

little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered
from the 'curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month
is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills'. Isn't the human body amazing?


As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense

mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely
realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's
testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he
thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me

to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of
cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,

were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f**king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your
tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling,
laughing, happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything

mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never
be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to
slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to
say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always....

Best,

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX

learning the hard way

Well, I'm back from california and i had so much fun!!! I came back with a couple of things. A lot of clothes, an addiction to humus and carrots, some really great memories, some new friends, and the realization that i'm not invincible. While i was there i cut my foot and i didn't realize it until I saw the blood. Which means that i didn't feel it. I don't really know how much any of you know about diabetes but they always say to watch your feet because that is the first place that ends up not getting blood circulation. So, i'm sure you all can guess how i felt about the not feeling of a cut on my foot. it was kind of a mixture of shock, worry, hate, sadness, and what the hell am i going to do feeling. it was a realization of having diabetes. I have a disease. A disease that weakens my body to certain things and that is something that i eventually have to deal with. i push it away because i just don't want to face the fact that i have a disease that will continue to weaken my body to things. i push it away because i don't want to face the truth that if i don't take care of myself or even if i take care of myself to the best of my ability, i still may lose my foot or leg. I still may have heart failure, or kidney failure. i still may never be able to have children. i still may lose my life sooner than i should...

my first initial reaction was and is right now to cry. cry because of the unfairness of it all. cry because no matter how hard i try, it could still not be enough. but, crying isn't gonna make all that less possible. crying isn't gonna make me able to have kids or keep my foot from being amputated. I don't know if there is anything that can really prevent that from happening and i guess what i have had to learn is that living isn't what you do or when you do it. What you say or didn't. it's how we do everything thats worth anything. How we take each day just as it comes. How we make something out of nothing and how when we fall we gracefully get back up. How we do the best we can when we don't want to try or how we love when it hurts. making decisions with confidence even when they could be the wrong ones and most of all learning something new every day and completely different from the day before. I have a disease and although it is the biggest part of my life and yes maybe i will suffer from the complications of it. but it will never keep me from hoping for a cure, dreaming of helping chidren, loving with all my heart, laughing at small things, or living a wonderful full life.

I hope everyone is having a great week.

So.....

Well of course i couldn't sleep so I'm writing on here again. I read through a lot of my blogs, which i like to do sometimes, just to remember. I learn a lot of things too when I do this. This is what I learned this time...

Life is full of so many surprises. Good, bad, ugly. Surprises that sometimes have no resolutions. Surprises that God springs on us without hesitation. Not because we have been bad or good but because its all part of it. It's part of life. The hiccups. God's way of giving us a surprise to let us know we are still breathing. A trip or a fall to let us know that we can still be hurt. A text message that says, "you're beautiful" to remember that we are loved. A disease to figure out what your purpose on this earth is. Life is full of so many surprises. That saying has never rang more true to me.

I also learned that no matter how down I am and no matter how defeated i have been I have always been able to get up. I have always been able to hold onto something tight enough that i don't lose my grip. One of my brothers friends committed suicide last week and when my mom told me about it, my heart hurt. My heart hurt to think of how lost, low, and alone he must have felt to end his own life. I know how bad i have felt at times and to think that he was probably a million times worse it made me literally hurt for him. I can't even tell you how many hours i have spent trying to figure out life, faith, and what the hell i'm supposed to be doing at times. The only thing I can come up with everytime is to love. To love God the best way you know how, and to love others the best way you can. Love yourself when you don't really feel like you deserve it. Love the things you have and love that you don't have everything you want but you have everything you need. Simply love.

There is also the saying, "laughter is the best medicine." I am such a firm believer in this. I laugh a lot and I don't think it's enough. I love it when little things make me smile and giggle to myself. For example when I see two ducks fighting in the pond. end of story. that just makes me giggle. Sometimes i just break out in a little dance. no one is around to see me or anything but it makes me laugh. sometimes i can write some really funny text messages that make me laugh to myself. sometimes out of the blue i'll do a kung fu move that makes me laugh. Sometimes i say a cuss word like I'm really mad for no reason at all, but I'm not really mad at anything. That really makes me giggle. Stuff like that is what makes life worth living, you know? I'm actually laughing right now. For some reason squirrels really make me laugh too. just watching them and imagining what they are thinking, like what plan they are scheming up. I always think they are scheming something up in their tiny little brains. I think it is because the hold their hands together really close to their mouths like they are planning something really risky. All I know is i keep a close watch whenever i'm near one!!

I hope everyone is having a great week so far!!!

California here I come!!!

Ok, well I'm off to cali!!! I'm so excited I'm leaving in four hours!! I probably should be asleep but i just can't because I'm so freaking pumped!!! We are going to the price is right tomorrow and then to the ellen show on thursday so watch for me in the next couple of days being a superstar!!!! I'm having a low blood sugar right now so I hope that is no indication of how the trip will go. I'll try and write when I'm there but let's be honest I don't really write when I'm at home, so we'll see! :)

Holy Crap!!

Oh my goodness I feel like my world is just going so fast. I have these mini panic attacks cause i feel like the next two weeks are
filled with so much to do. Mainly I have the panic attacks cause i'm spending money on furniture cause i'm moving in to my new place, a new car cause i sold mine for no real reason other than I didn't want one then realized that I probably still need one. I'm not in Chicago yet so I can't really take the train or walk everywhere. I'm about to go on this trip to California which is surprisingly the thing that is not really costing me much at all. I'm so excited to just get away but I have to get all my other stuff done first. I have to make sure I have all my medicine and enough of it just in case i drop a bottle of insulin and it shatters everywhere, which I have done once or twice. I was so pissed off about that. I have to go see the doctor for a drug test and a TB test for this class I'm taking. I have to make sure everything is good with my apartment like the electric, water and cable. I'm calling about a million people on craigslist for furniture. My head is literally spinning. I'm like that girl from the exorcist. It's funny though cause i feel like I have so much going on and I'm so stressed out but God always humbles me. I had a friend call me about an hour ago just in total crisis and they just have hit rock bottom and don't know where to go. It really made me put things in perspective. All these things that I'm stressed out about are actually really great, fun gifts. I also thought about my life about 8 months ago and It made me feel so sick. I hate thinking about that time in my life but I know that from time to time i need to so I know that I never want to be there again. I love everyone!!! I hope you all had a happy easter, and are having a wonderful week!!!

feeling good

So, i worked out today and i feel pretty good. I just had a low blood sugar but it was nothing a little oj couldn't fix. I really don't feel like going to work tonight but i have to make the green stuff somehow. I'm getting super pumped about my california vacation!!!!! Two weeks from today! It will be nice to just get away for a couple of days. Well, that's about it for right now...

changing it up

so I changed up the looks of the blog a little bit. I like it. It's a nice change. I don't really feel good right now. I haven't felt that great all day. Mainly cause i did something stupid and drank last night. I hate alcohol. It doesn't even really taste that good to me. Peer pressure man, I tell you they aren't lying when they say it's a bitch. It's a waste of money too. whatever, i'm not gonna do it anymore. I always say things and i really mean them but it seems like a week after i say them i go back on my word.
I'm going to California in a couple of weeks!!! yea! yea! yea! I'm so excited. It's only for a couple of days but i've never been and i'm totally pumped!!!!

I didn't think it could get any better

So I was visiting my local starbucks this morning and i really didn't think my experiences at starbucks could get any better but today my friend was great. I walked up and ordered my tea and the girl behind the counter asked if I had ever added any flavors to my tea? Now this was something i had never thought of. She proceeded to let me know that the vanilla was quite delightful. I said what the heck, I'll give it a try. I said you only live once, right? With a little chuckle to follow. It was so magnificent. My first sip was like jumping in to a pool of chocolate or something equivalent. I'm sure I can think of a better analogy but that was the first that came to mind. Speaking of analogies. This girl refered to one of her friends like cookie dough last night. Like the first couple of bites are really tasty and leaving you with wanting more but after you've eaten half the roll your stomach hurts and all you want to do is throw up. I thought it was one of the most brilliant things ever spoken and I completely intend to use it for everyone that is in my life that fits that description.

My blood sugar was 135 this morning which is really good, especially cause most of the time my morning sugars are high! I'm actually gonna start exercising today. Now, I am aware that i say this everyday, but i am actually gonna do it today. I've started this new thing. Also, I am aware that i start something new almost everyday but it's all about trial and error, just trying to find out what is best for me! Anyway, this is the new thing I'm starting. Once a day I can have something that is not that healthy for me. For example, if i want a cupcake i'm gonna eat a cupcake. That means though that for the rest of the day I really have to be strick on what i eat. no more sodas at work, no more late night snacking. It has been working pretty well actually. Granted it's really only been one day and I cheated a tiny bit but...well maybe i'll be trying something new soon.

I have come tothe conclusion that my body is at war with itself. right now i think that my skin is winning, you know what i take that back cause i got sunburned the other day. lets see, i guess it would be my brain cause that is the only thing that is working right. obviously my pancreas is pretty much done for. my stomach is all messed up, i can't eat any artificial sugar cause it makes me really sick. ironic huh? my heart is just too big and too open so it gets hurt all the time by stupid boys and people that like to take advantage of something real. my skin is burned. i need glasses cause my eyes are getting worse. I wish that everything in my body could talk and they had conversations. I should write a play or something with that scenario. Ok I'm off to start my day! whew that was long!!!

a beautiful morning

Now, i say it's a beautiful morning but i really don't know that cause it's still dark. It's 6:45 but we moved our clocks forward so it kind of is still 5:45. I feel like it is gonna be a beautiful morning though. I have, have, have to start exercising and eating better. I'm starting to gain weight and i really don't like it very much!! I have been really good the past three days or so. I was eating a lot of vegetables and salads. I snack a lot though and that doesn't help and when i am at work which is pretty much all the time i drink way to much soft drinks. I take my medicine for it but I just drink way too much. I have found that if i bring my own water that helps and if I chew gum it helps too. I had a low blood sugar at work yesterday and it was not cool. I couldn't get it back up for the life of me. I am always afraid that i will just pass out at a table. That wouldn't be funny. Something that is pretty funny though is that this girl fell at work the other day. we were closed so it was only in front of employees. It was funny, but there was one thing that made it hysterical. She had a styrofoam to go cup in her hand, and i guess cause she got scared in the middle of her fall she gripped the cup so tight that is split in half. I literally almost peed in my pants. She also took down a wooden silverware holder off the wall with her. This was three days ago and we still act it out at work. I had root beer come out of my nose last night because of it. That stuff kind of burns coming out of your nose. well i'm off to have my starbucks and plan my day. have a good one!

funny!

I was just reading my last blog and I had to laugh at myself cause I think i made some really good points but in the middle of all of it, i had to throw in there how ashamed of myself i am because i screen phone calls. I mean I'm talking about all this bad stuff i do like lie and drink, and smoke. Sometimes I don't take care of myself...and screen phone calls. it made me laugh to myself a little bit.

choices

One of the best things about living is that we have a choice to do anything and everything. One of the greatest gifts that God has given us is that we have a choice. It's almost three in the morning and i can't sleep because all I can do is lay here in my bed and think about all the choices i have made in my life. the good ones, the bad ones, the not so wise ones, the ones that have changed my life and the ones that have made me who i am. the ones that are small but make a big difference and the ones that i wish i could change. Sometimes having a choice can be a bad thing because it just gives a reason to make the same mistakes over again. i make bad choices everyday. I choose to not take my blood sugar, i choose not to take my medicine, i choose to get up at two in the afternoon, i choose to screen phone calls, or lie about things that could be ok with just a straight answer. looking back on all of the bad, stupid, or careless choices I have made in my twenty five years of life, make me want to hang my head in shame. It makes me feel so undeserving of everything that i have, of everyone that i have. i choose to smoke a cigarette, i choose to take a shot of alcohol, and a lot of times i rationalize it with excuses that really can not be excuses at all.

As i sit here and think about all the choices, screw ups and messes i have made, i start to cry. Not because i hate myself, but because i still have love within me. just like we have been given the gift of choice, we have been given the gift of grace. Grace from God, grace from loved ones. Such undeserving grace that overwhelms me when i think of how much of it i have. it makes me cry to think that i was given two precious gifts before i even knew what gifts were, and how after living twenty five years i am still careless with the choices i make and how after twenty five years i still take for granted the grace that is placed on me every day. I don't really know how I am feeling right now. I'm just kind of thinking out loud. I'm not really sad or down, i guess i just needed to write it down to wake me up to everything that i have been asleep to.

I have an excuse

My internet has been not working very well lately so it has been kind of difficult to write on here. I have been doing ok I guess. I'm not where I want to be exactly but who is when it comes to eating right or exercising??? I had a low blood sugar this morning that was not so fun. I wish I could explain exactly how these feel. It's like your body isn't yours. It is a completely foreign object for however long it lasts and the only thing you want to do is jump out of it and it just won't let you. I hate it when it gets so bad that you start to get the cold sweats and then your whole body is soaked in a matter of seconds. It's really stupid.

After I slept for a little bit cause i was just really weak I had to run some errands. I was stopped at a red light and I saw the guy from starbucks drive by. Yes, I know what his car looks like cause I'm basically in love with him. Anyway he was on his phone and I don't know why I even wanted to get his attention but I did. Looking back on the whole situation now, it probably wasn't such a great idea to honk at him. It's like I get all flustered when I am near him and all good judgement doesn't seem to exist. Of course when I honked at him he literally had to swerve to miss from hitting the car in front of him cause he was so startled. I slowly just put my head against the steering wheel and prayed that he didn't know it was the hand lover!

Working Blows!!!

I wondered when someone was gonna actually say something about me not writing on here!!! Thank you emily!! I have been so busy!! I have been working my butt off! I haven't had a day off in almost two weeks, but I'm making a lot of money so that is good. Yes, I am checking my blood sugar, and yes I am taking my medicine. I am even eating right, although I did have a cadbury egg today because it just looked so delicious. I almost got some peeps too but I decided not to for the simple fact that they make green ones now and I think that is just wrong. I'm doing good though. I had a manicure and pedicure this morning, ran some errands and had a salad at lunch. I have to work again tonight, but I have the whole weekend off!!! I'm going to the beach!!!

Hats off to me!!

I woke up at eight this morning. took my blood sugar. It was high so I gave my self some insulin and then went to starbucks for me tea. While I was there I called my girl that waxes my eyebrows and she said she could see me right away and give me a facial!!! It was fantastic. I then went shoping. It has been a pretty freaking good day so far. I hate saying that cause as soon as I do something is going to go wrong. I said it anyway though! I don't really understand why it has to be so hot in Florida. I mean i really feel like people that live here would be ten percent happier if it wasn't so hot. Even early in the morning it's hot. I'm surprised that there are overweight people that live here. Sweating is like an all day thing for me. I don't even use the phrase, "I'm sweaty" anymore cause it would be always stating the obvious. My facial this morning was so nice though. She started and I was all relaxed then she put this thing over my face that shot hot steam at me. I was like you've got to be kidding me???? I'm already steamed up enough. I can guarentee that my pores were already open cause it is so hot here!!!! I have this problem of laughing at very inappropriate times. I really can't help it. At the doctors office when he is telling me something very important, in the middle of a movie when everyone is silent, when i'm having a deep meaningful conversation with someone, and today in the middle of my facial. It is all quiet and serene with music playing in the back round. It was very nice, but then all of the sudden this new song came on and it was like indians calling cattle or something. It was crazy and just completely unexpected. It's hard not to laugh at that sort of stuff, you know? Well anyway I'm gonna go have lunch maybe do some laundry or something.

well...

So I just woke up and it is three in the p.m.. I have kind of a good reason though. I had three, yes three low blood sugars in the middle of the night. i do not know what was wrong with me I just could not get my sugar to stay up. The last one was bad too. I think i ate half the jar of peanut butter. I'm just kind of wiped out right now. I probably should not have slept until three though. I actually don't know how I did it because i think the little ones have formed an alliance against me and they try to see which one can bust my ear drums first. I think Lila is in the lead. She just screams for no reason at all. I just don't get it? I mean I don't remember being a kid and screaming for every emotion possible. I'm starting to think she might just stop talking one of these days. Anyway, I have to work in a little bit, hopefully I won't stay up too late so I can get back on some sort of a routine.

lets just finish off with a bang!!

So lets have a recap of my day. Woke up, wait I take that back I haven't sleep yet. I'm getting pretty good at that. Went to Starbucks, had my tea. I burnt my tongue on it this morning. I was a little too overzealous. Umm, ran some errands went and ate luch with my mom. Went to the movies and abided by every state law. came home talked on the phone for about four hours, by the way my cell phone bill last month was $270. Ate some really fattening chicken and potatoes. Put on my work out clothes but never made it to the gym. Took my insulin all day but not my blood sugar. All in all i think i hit one out of the park today, and by that i mean totally did everything that i am not supposed to do. Hmmm, I did get to talk to a lot of people that I love very much so that was a great part of the day, and I can't hate on the burning hot tea cause it was still delicious. Well I guess I can just call it a loss and move on to tomorrow. Have a good night, see you in the morning!

ok...not so much

So it is now almost five in the p.m. and I haven't checked my sugar but i have taken my medicine and I have eaten healthy, except for the popcorn I just ate at the movie theater. It is illegal in the state of Florida to go to a movie and not get popcorn. Who knew right? What a silly law but i was not gonna be the one to break it!!! :) I'll do better I promise. I'm going to work out and check my sugar!!!!

A new thing

Ok so I'm gonna start something new and hopefully it will get me where I want to be on my diabetes path. I'm gonna start using this as my journal everyday. Just kind of a recap of how my day went diabetes wise. What I ate, how I felt and stuff like that. So here is where all of you that read this come in. Kick my butt if I don't do it. Comment to me. Make me feel bad. I won't hold it against you, I promise. I mean you don't have to be mean about it or anything. You know just a reminder that I forgot to put in my entry for the day. So this is the start of it... I haven't slept at all cause there was a lot on my mind last night. I went to starbucks and got my tea. Umm, I haven't checked my blood sugar yet and it is almost 11. I have a crazy idea that it is gonna be high. I know its a bad start, but i will get better. I'm pretty pumped about this idea, I think it's gonna help me a lot.

oh me!

I am tired today. I love my siblings. They are such a joy to be around. I get the best of both worlds. I have Jake to turn to for advice, a good laugh or a good heart to heart. On the other side i have Greyson, Harrison, and Lila, which I now just refer to as a collective, the little ones. So anyway, I have the little ones who keep me entertained and on my toes. They are so innocent and just so full of life and un-tainted. They don't know of pain or hurting yet and they aren't worn by the trials of life. Hanging out with them is such a breath of fresh air. Who knew that playing transformers or having tea parties is just what you need to take a step away for reality and just breathe.

Valentine's Day

So... It's Valentine's Day, which sucks. I like to call it Stupid Cupid Day. It's just lame. There is too much pressure to get someone a gift and be romantic. If you want to be romantic how about do it on a day when 50 million other people aren't doing it. I am a hopeless romantic though so as i sat in starbucks this morning I daydreamed of my cute neighbor friend, I use the term friend loosely cause in all reality all he knows about me is that I like his hands, would walk in and decide to adore me forever. He didn't show up though. As i was sipping my tea though a realization hit me, as they all do in my morning tea times with the starbucks crew. I realized that I will know that i have found true love when I am in Chicago and my boyfriend gets up before me goes out into the windy, cold, freezing, snowy, morning and walks a block to the nearest starbucks to get me my tea. That is love!!! I hope everyones day is filled with lots of love!!!

Not so black and white

So the past week and a half has been pretty down. I have found myself unfocused and feeling myself start to not care again. This past weekend I went out with some friends who don't really care about me. They are the people that i work with and the ones that try to peer pressure me into drinking. Don't get me wrong it was no ones choice but my own, but the friends that really care for me are the ones that say lets go see a movie or something so i don't even have the choice in front of me. Anyway i have felt pretty bad. I haven't been taking my medicine and simply I just have started to not care again. I know that I will not get another chance at this and I am so scared that i am going to get on this cycle again. The most disturbing thing i think this past week was that on saturday I drank a lot. Not meaning to by any means. I was just out with a bunch of people and we started playing drinking games and on sunday I felt like I had felt just before I went into the hospital the last time. I couldn't keep down any water but after everytime I threw up I would chug another glass cause I was so thirsty. It was bad. I was really scared. I wish that this whole thing was black and white. I wish that i was totally into it and taking care of every aspect of my life or i was totally not into it and pretty much dead. It is a shade of gray that will never be found. A shade that has so many dimensions that no matter how you try to figure it out it just gets that much more unclear. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better start. I know that I will never be perfect, I just hope I'm good enough to survive this gray.

Cinderella

I was reading in my bible study the other morning and I was so freaking emotional. It was like I would read a paragraph and a little piece of my heart would hurt with everything that was said. It was good though cause it is stuff that I really think I was meant to deal with and for so long I have just pushed it away. This time here in Florida is something that i think I am gonna look back on and really cherish even though right now I am totally hating it. There was this one thing that really hit me hard. The author wrote that what a lot of women don't realize is that God is the ultimate prince charming and so many women have forgot that she is cinderella. That just hit me so hard cause I am cinderella in a lot of ways. I have had anything but the perfect life and I have turned to so many other things to make me feel like a princess and really when I think about it, God has been the onlly one to make me still believe in that kind of love. No matter what my past has been or no matter what my future will hold. God will always be that prince charming holding my true, pure heart in his hands saying I'm here for you and everything is going to be ok.

The Walk to Cure Juvenile Diabetes.

Ok, family and friends. It is getting to be money raising time. I am team captain this year for the walk and my goal is to raise at least $1000. If you want to donate online all credit cards are accepted!! :) Go to this link http://walk.jdrf.org/support.cfm?id=86969631. and type in my name it should let you donate for the walk!! Come on, you know you want to!!!! The walk isn't for three months so you have some time! I will send out friendly reminders too!

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my goodness!!! I did it!!! I actually woke up this morning. Did my breathing, had a little chitter chat with god, read my bible study, got a little emotional, had my tea, then took a long walk with a fabulous little three year old girl!!!! I want to throw a little party for myself. Oh yeah i forgot some important parts. I took my blood sugar, took my insulin, ate breakfast, played princess on the jungle gym and fed the ducks!! All in all I have had a wonderful day and I'm only four hours into it. It is looking to be clear skies with the sun shining bright!! :)

Wine

I personally really like wine. I know that having Diabetes doesn't really grant me all the wishes that I would like but I'm never gonna give up wine. I don't drink it everyday but there is such an awesomeness, which should be a word if it isn't already, in drinking a glass of wine over good conversation or a really nice meal. I am doing neither of those at the moment as I sit here drinking my glass. My reasoning, thinking about love. Ok, just a side note, I just typed the word "about" but i spelled it, "abooout." When I read it I totally pronounced it with a canadian accent. It really made me chuckle to myself. Anyway, I swear love is about the most messed up feeling. A close second is waking up from a really bizarre dream. I'm talking about the ones that seem so freaking real. Like so real you start second guessing if you really gave birth to a baby kitten in the middle of the night. Like you wake up, rub your eyes and literally say out loud, " Did that happen? No. There is no way... did it? Is the kitten in here some where?" You start looking around the room. Then you realize it was just one of those messed up dreams. I hate that feeling. Love is a messed up feeling just like that!!! Just the love that hurts though. The kind that keeps you up at night making you hate that person only because you can not stop loving them. The happy love is great. You never hear anyone saying how messed up of a feeling that is. You never hear someone say,"man I woke up this morning and my boyfriend had put a rose on my pillow with a note that said good morning beautiful on it. There was a trail of hershey kisses leading to a brand new puppy that was already potty trained. Sometimes he makes me so mad!!! I mean he makes me feel like I want to pull my hair out. He even held my hair back when I was throwing up from too much wine. Went to church with me and he EVEN told my mom she looked very pretty. I mean what kind of a man is he?" You never hear anyone say bad things about that kind of love. I woulld welcome that kind of love. I mean who doesn't like hershey kisses? I had a guy come up to me tonight and he was at least ten feet from me and I knew. I KNEW he was gonna hit on me. I wanted to just say, " STOP! Before you say anything I really don't think you want to use the energy to try and pick me up cause I know that I would really rather use my energy to watch this tv show than say no to you." I am too nice though so I just smiled and politely said no. The story of my life.

I'm such an idiot

So I was on my way to Starbucks today. I just have to take a moment to remind you that Starbucks is one of the greatest places on earth. It's like a magical cave that when you walk in something comes over you and you really don't mind paying $52 for a 4 oz cup of coffee and a delightful pastry. Anyway, I was on my way there today and I saw the hot guy in my apartment complex turning into the same Starbucks!!! My heart started beating fast and i got really excited. I'm sure my blood sugar was hitting all time highs from all the emotion going through my body in 15 seconds. This guy is so cute, and business-like. You can just tell he has a good head on his shoulders. I'm not really sure why you can tell that just by how someone is dressed, but i like to think positive. So, he is in front of me in line right, and I decide I'm gonna say something to him. I'm racking my brain to think of anything clever to say, anything at all really. Looking back on it, probably the most appropriate thing to say would have been "Hi, my name is Erin. I think I have seen you in my apartment building." Then maybe we could have built our wonderfully planned future from there. I kind of panicked though. This is what came out of my mouth, " You have nice hands." Why? Why would I say that? Who says that? There was no, hi. No, my name is Erin. "You have nice hands." I really think I scared him. I blamed it on the diabetes. I just said to myself that my blood sugar must have been dangerously low or high, which caused every good social behavior to fly right out the window. Wow, I'm an idiot!!!

Something that I have to do

I think for the past month now every night when I go to bed I say this, "I'll start tomorrow." It is so hard to do!!! I mean it!!! It is so hard. I can't wake up early, I can't exercise, I can't eat at the same time everyday, I can't prick my finger and take my shots all day long. What is even harder is just handing it over to God and saying ok I can't do this. I want so badly to do it on my own. I don't want to feel defeated. UGH!!!! Life blows sometimes...

It's only life

It's only life right? As I sit here and drink my diet cherry coke there are so many thoughts that swirl through my head like waves crashing into the shore. I want to release them and unleash them but it seems that every time I try to speak them it all gets jumbled in a tangled mess of words that I have never even thought of. Life is so crazy and I have to stop myself and wonder, is it supposed to be like this? Does everyone think like this? The answer of course is yes. It's like I have too many question that don't get answered fast enough, or if they get unswered aren't clear enough. I think I ask God everyday if this is where he wants me to be. Is this what I'm supposed to be doing right now. My mom was telling me about church on sunday cause I missed it and the pastor talked about not asking God when we make decisions. Like we say, "It's ok God, I got this one. You take a break I think this is easy enough for me to handle." I believe I do that on a daily basis. When I take control of sitations that are so much bigger than me. It is so hard for me to not control things though. Obviously I have had a hard time with it in many aspects of my life and as much as I want to even say that I have control over my life I really have no say so what so ever!!

I'm at a point in my life right now where I really want to find someone to spend my time with and really enjoy their company. I want to be able to share with them and laugh with them, be crazy with them and just be completely myself with them and them love me so much for it. I pass someone on the street and think could that be the guy? I know it is stupid but it consumes me. I know people say that when you stop wanting it so bad is when it will happen, but do we ever really stop wanting that?

I'm 24 and it breaks my heart that at 16 I had to face some things that most teenagers don't. What breaks my heart even more is that after 9 years of day in and day out of fighting a disease that i can not beat I still make the same mistakes. After almost dying not once, not even twice I still creep up on the idea everyday. In a sense a lot of me was already dead but my heart was still beating. i still do not take care of myself the way I should. I pray everyday for God to show how to do it, how to get through each day, how to be so strong and so steady to stay in a routine that does not fit everything that I want to do. I pray cause i just don't know. I'm not certain about anything. I'm so confused and so unsure of my life it's like I am trying to glue back a broken heart with all the wrong kinds of glue. It holds for a minute and then just falls apart again. I desperately want to find that glue that actually holds for a lifetime. I was watching a show tonight on eating disorders and for a moment I wanted it back. I wanted the control of knowing exactly what i was doing to myself. i started to cry cause how could anyone ever want that? How could anyone especially someone who has been so blessed to want the life of total hurt and a life of total darkness. For a split second I wanted the control back.

Like I said before I have so many questions that the answers just aren't coming fast enough. I try to figure them out on my own and I end up going around in circles like a dog chasing his tail. Some days i have enough faith for a whole city and then some days it seems I don't have enough faith to open my eyes in the morning. Questions and prayers that are sometimes answered with out me even knowing it, are the little gifts that I take for granted everyday. I don't know if I am supposed to love, live, laugh, cry, hope, or dream. There are so many things that i am unsure of and there are so many doubts that creep up in the middle of the night, but one thing i know is that I am alive and i can choose to love, live, laugh, cry, hope, and dream. That has to be worth something...

I think i have a fever

oh yes!!! once again i feel the sickness coming on! It is actually a blessing i guess that i can tell when i'm getting sick. This way there is no element of surprise. My whole body hurt tonight. I was so grumpy at work. I'm sure all of my tables hated me. The feeling was mutual believe me. There was this one table though that was so awesome. They were british and I totally wanted to sit and chat with them. I wanted to talk in a british accent too!! There is also this gut that i work with, he will be called the opossum for this blog. Mainly because i hate opossums and they are scary and very mean looking, just like this guy. I really don't have a story to go along with the opossum. I just don't like him and he made my night very unenjoyable. Ok, so tomorrow is the day that i will get up when i am supposed to!!! Tomorrow is the start of really getting up! I guess i better go to sleep then...

Three Things

There have been three things on my mind lately that I am going to share today...

The first being kind of on a lighter note than the other two. I have been thinking about my relationships in the past and how they had good moments, sometimes even great moments but it was nothing that lasted a while or filled me up. I was never just completely full of greatness. So I have been watching A LOT of chick flicks in the past week or so cause I am definitely a hopeless romantic. I mean I go to Starbucks cause i really like their tea but secretly hoping that a tall handsome guy is gonna come in and say a charming line that will lead to our huge wedding and wonderful life together. I seriously think i have it figured out that i will meet a doctor at starbucks and then we will fall in love and have lots of gorgeous babies together. Basically I am just setting myself up for failure here but its still fun to think about while I am sipping my tea.

Ok the second thing is about religion. I desperately want to have so much faith. I want to have faith that God has a plan for me. I want to have faith that this is exactly where God wants me to be right now. This is hard to do for many reasons. The first being that with my personality it is difficult for me to not be in control. I mean even when I am with a group of friends and it is not my turn to talk or say what needs to be said, I get antsy. I really don't know if that is how you spell "antsy," cause to be honest I don't think I have ever used it in a sentence. Interesting. Anyway I'm a control freak and it is hard for me to put everything i believe in or trust in to something that I know not that much about. I know God and Jesus and the basic stuff about the bible. I took a class on religious stuff in 8th grade. Just thought I would share that. So, I know stuff but it is the concrete facts, that this really did happen and that the bible is not just some made up book by some guy on the street corner. It is hard for me also to sit and doubt God in any way cause lets all be honest here I probably should have been dead six years ago, biologically speaking. I really do have a sense or a feeling that this is the path that I am supposed to follow. In my heart and soul and everything about me is saying, "Erin you have Diabetes for a reason, and its not to wake you up in the middle of the night to shaking, sweating, or crying. I know its not to struggle through life just for the fun of it. There is a bigger reason for me. I know that. I know that without a doubt. So, then I ask myself why do you even for a second doubt anything about God. I have no idea and that is what frustrates me.

The last thing that has been on my mind does have to do with diabetes. A couple things. The first being about this girl that i work with. I just can't get over the fact that I have been her. I was her and i feel so deeply for her cause i have been in the dakest place and have felt so unbelievably low like i know she feels. She can hide it well but you know, so did I. I can just look at her and know what she is feeling. She is a nice person and it kills me that someone has to go through life feeling thst way. Feeling like there is no way out or no better way. The second thing is my health. I can feel it slipping through my fingers again. Not my actual health. I'm not sick or anything. Just the overall what i should be doing and what I shouldn't. I'm not eating when I should. I'm not taking my blood sugar like I should mainly because test strips are so damn expensive. I really think if I had a very large sum of money I would be happier. I know all that nonsense about money doesn't make you happy, but listen to this. I would be able to pay for all my medicine and supplies. I would be able to afford good and healthy food. Last i would higher a personal trainer. Having all that taken care of for me would definitely take some weight off my shoulders. I'm not even famous!!!! I don't have to have the nice body, I just have to do it to live longer. Anyway enough of my rambling!!


The first diabetes support group is tomorrow!! Wish me luck!!

I want to have my cupcake, and eat it too!!

I think this is gonna be the name of my book. I think it is kind of fitting. Today i am filled with so many thoughts, worries, doubts, excitements, and the list could go on and on. I just got back from my bible study and there are so many feelings inside me right now. I am so excited to be going on the journey that i am with such an open heart. I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life that i am feeling just free and open to what God has in store for me. I am nervous about the support group on Saturday. Will anyone show up? Will a hundred people show up? Will I be able to help anyone? It is just kind of stressful to put it all together but in an exciting way, if that makes sense? I am still struggling so much with getting up in the morning. I'm telling you my body just does not function until at least 10. Even if I am awake earlier than that i promise you don't want to talk to me cause chances are i will just give you a look and a one word response that will make you feel like an idiot. I know that is so awful but it is my truth. I admit it and apologize for anyone that has ever experienced or will experience my morning wrath. I am off to Starbucks to try and have a moment of thoughtlessness?? Is that even a word? If it's not, it should be!

Thoughts

So... I have been slacking some on taking care of myself. It seems like I complain about this like every second of everyday and i feel like everyone is thinking when is she gonna get the hang of this. To be honest I don't think I ever will, and I don't think I'm supposed to. My mom used to say that this wil eventually become like brushing your teeth. Honestly there are still days sometimes that i forget to brush my teeth so that statement really doesn't help me out much. you know how when you try to walk in water there is a slight resistance? That is how i feel all the time. Everything I do. Everyday. I feel like there is a slight resistance. It takes just a little bit more energy, a little more strength, a little more patience, just a little more in general.

Good News: I got the flyers done today for the support group. I have a really nice place to have it and I'm super stoked!!!!

6 a.m.

I hate this time of day. Something happens to my body everyday at this time. I think it litterally goes into a comma until at least 8. I have the hardest time getting up!!! Yesterday i got up and did my breathing and started my yoga and the next thing i knew it was 10. I somehow fell into a comma again!!! I think i'll get the hang of it one day!!!

Back on Track

Ok so once again I'm gonna try really hard to get back in a routine. It is so damn hard to get up at 6 a.m. though. I mean come on!! it is the only time of day i can exercise though. Not only do I have to wake up early, i have to go exercise too!!! what a bummer man!!! I know i have to do it. I got up this morning at 9 and i have to get up tomorrow at 7, so maybe by saturday i can make myself get up at 6. I'll let you know how it goes.
I am also gonna start up the support group up that i was gonna start way back when. i just think it will really make a difference. If it doesn't i will at least know i tried!!! Well i am taking a test tomorrow for my CNA class!! Wish me luck!!

Resolutions

so, it's a little over a week into the new year. I am so pumped about this year I can hardly stand it. I have so many big plans, now just have to follow through on them all. I know a lot of people say they never make resolutions cause it is just a big set up for failure and i don't think there has been one year that i have actually stuck with any of mine. I'm making quite a few this year just so i know that at least one of them has to work. Here they are:

1. I am going to do at least one thing that makes me happy everyday. It doesn't have to be a big thing, just somethimg to make me smile.
2. I am going to change at least one thing that is bringing me down everyday. Again does not have to be big things, but it can be.
3. I am going to save 20 to 25 thousand this year. 10 of it to go towards my move to Chicago next January, WOO HOO!!! The other 10 to 15 to go towards my hospital debt, or just my debt in general. This one is gonna be really difficult but i know i can do it.
4. I am going to stop dating losers and start dating really nice doctors. This one is just for fun but I think i can make it happen.
5. Lastly of course it is to take care of myself. To really try my best to stay healthy. This is an every year resolution though.

On a different note I met a girl today that has juvenile diabetes. She is 19 and was diagnosed a year and a half ago. I literally wanted to cry for her because she is in the stage that she really doesn't care about herself or her body and she is damaging it so much by not taking her medicine. I was with her for about four hours today and I saw her eat a huge ahi tuna salad, a huge sirloin sandwich, some coconut shrimp, and about six cokes. She weighs about a hundred pounds too. I just wanted to scream for her cause I know exactly how she is feeling emotionally and physically and it is such a dark place to be. She told me that she just wanted to die. She would rather be dead than live with this disease and it breaks my heart because she will die if she continues on the path that she leads. I struggle everyday. I struggle to take the shots when they hurt and i struggle to deal with the lows in the middle of the night. I thank God though that I actually have a second chance at this and I hope that she realizes how precious her life really is before it's too late.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Year!!!!!!