The Walk to Cure Juvenile Diabetes.

Ok, family and friends. It is getting to be money raising time. I am team captain this year for the walk and my goal is to raise at least $1000. If you want to donate online all credit cards are accepted!! :) Go to this link http://walk.jdrf.org/support.cfm?id=86969631. and type in my name it should let you donate for the walk!! Come on, you know you want to!!!! The walk isn't for three months so you have some time! I will send out friendly reminders too!

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my goodness!!! I did it!!! I actually woke up this morning. Did my breathing, had a little chitter chat with god, read my bible study, got a little emotional, had my tea, then took a long walk with a fabulous little three year old girl!!!! I want to throw a little party for myself. Oh yeah i forgot some important parts. I took my blood sugar, took my insulin, ate breakfast, played princess on the jungle gym and fed the ducks!! All in all I have had a wonderful day and I'm only four hours into it. It is looking to be clear skies with the sun shining bright!! :)

Wine

I personally really like wine. I know that having Diabetes doesn't really grant me all the wishes that I would like but I'm never gonna give up wine. I don't drink it everyday but there is such an awesomeness, which should be a word if it isn't already, in drinking a glass of wine over good conversation or a really nice meal. I am doing neither of those at the moment as I sit here drinking my glass. My reasoning, thinking about love. Ok, just a side note, I just typed the word "about" but i spelled it, "abooout." When I read it I totally pronounced it with a canadian accent. It really made me chuckle to myself. Anyway, I swear love is about the most messed up feeling. A close second is waking up from a really bizarre dream. I'm talking about the ones that seem so freaking real. Like so real you start second guessing if you really gave birth to a baby kitten in the middle of the night. Like you wake up, rub your eyes and literally say out loud, " Did that happen? No. There is no way... did it? Is the kitten in here some where?" You start looking around the room. Then you realize it was just one of those messed up dreams. I hate that feeling. Love is a messed up feeling just like that!!! Just the love that hurts though. The kind that keeps you up at night making you hate that person only because you can not stop loving them. The happy love is great. You never hear anyone saying how messed up of a feeling that is. You never hear someone say,"man I woke up this morning and my boyfriend had put a rose on my pillow with a note that said good morning beautiful on it. There was a trail of hershey kisses leading to a brand new puppy that was already potty trained. Sometimes he makes me so mad!!! I mean he makes me feel like I want to pull my hair out. He even held my hair back when I was throwing up from too much wine. Went to church with me and he EVEN told my mom she looked very pretty. I mean what kind of a man is he?" You never hear anyone say bad things about that kind of love. I woulld welcome that kind of love. I mean who doesn't like hershey kisses? I had a guy come up to me tonight and he was at least ten feet from me and I knew. I KNEW he was gonna hit on me. I wanted to just say, " STOP! Before you say anything I really don't think you want to use the energy to try and pick me up cause I know that I would really rather use my energy to watch this tv show than say no to you." I am too nice though so I just smiled and politely said no. The story of my life.

I'm such an idiot

So I was on my way to Starbucks today. I just have to take a moment to remind you that Starbucks is one of the greatest places on earth. It's like a magical cave that when you walk in something comes over you and you really don't mind paying $52 for a 4 oz cup of coffee and a delightful pastry. Anyway, I was on my way there today and I saw the hot guy in my apartment complex turning into the same Starbucks!!! My heart started beating fast and i got really excited. I'm sure my blood sugar was hitting all time highs from all the emotion going through my body in 15 seconds. This guy is so cute, and business-like. You can just tell he has a good head on his shoulders. I'm not really sure why you can tell that just by how someone is dressed, but i like to think positive. So, he is in front of me in line right, and I decide I'm gonna say something to him. I'm racking my brain to think of anything clever to say, anything at all really. Looking back on it, probably the most appropriate thing to say would have been "Hi, my name is Erin. I think I have seen you in my apartment building." Then maybe we could have built our wonderfully planned future from there. I kind of panicked though. This is what came out of my mouth, " You have nice hands." Why? Why would I say that? Who says that? There was no, hi. No, my name is Erin. "You have nice hands." I really think I scared him. I blamed it on the diabetes. I just said to myself that my blood sugar must have been dangerously low or high, which caused every good social behavior to fly right out the window. Wow, I'm an idiot!!!

Something that I have to do

I think for the past month now every night when I go to bed I say this, "I'll start tomorrow." It is so hard to do!!! I mean it!!! It is so hard. I can't wake up early, I can't exercise, I can't eat at the same time everyday, I can't prick my finger and take my shots all day long. What is even harder is just handing it over to God and saying ok I can't do this. I want so badly to do it on my own. I don't want to feel defeated. UGH!!!! Life blows sometimes...

It's only life

It's only life right? As I sit here and drink my diet cherry coke there are so many thoughts that swirl through my head like waves crashing into the shore. I want to release them and unleash them but it seems that every time I try to speak them it all gets jumbled in a tangled mess of words that I have never even thought of. Life is so crazy and I have to stop myself and wonder, is it supposed to be like this? Does everyone think like this? The answer of course is yes. It's like I have too many question that don't get answered fast enough, or if they get unswered aren't clear enough. I think I ask God everyday if this is where he wants me to be. Is this what I'm supposed to be doing right now. My mom was telling me about church on sunday cause I missed it and the pastor talked about not asking God when we make decisions. Like we say, "It's ok God, I got this one. You take a break I think this is easy enough for me to handle." I believe I do that on a daily basis. When I take control of sitations that are so much bigger than me. It is so hard for me to not control things though. Obviously I have had a hard time with it in many aspects of my life and as much as I want to even say that I have control over my life I really have no say so what so ever!!

I'm at a point in my life right now where I really want to find someone to spend my time with and really enjoy their company. I want to be able to share with them and laugh with them, be crazy with them and just be completely myself with them and them love me so much for it. I pass someone on the street and think could that be the guy? I know it is stupid but it consumes me. I know people say that when you stop wanting it so bad is when it will happen, but do we ever really stop wanting that?

I'm 24 and it breaks my heart that at 16 I had to face some things that most teenagers don't. What breaks my heart even more is that after 9 years of day in and day out of fighting a disease that i can not beat I still make the same mistakes. After almost dying not once, not even twice I still creep up on the idea everyday. In a sense a lot of me was already dead but my heart was still beating. i still do not take care of myself the way I should. I pray everyday for God to show how to do it, how to get through each day, how to be so strong and so steady to stay in a routine that does not fit everything that I want to do. I pray cause i just don't know. I'm not certain about anything. I'm so confused and so unsure of my life it's like I am trying to glue back a broken heart with all the wrong kinds of glue. It holds for a minute and then just falls apart again. I desperately want to find that glue that actually holds for a lifetime. I was watching a show tonight on eating disorders and for a moment I wanted it back. I wanted the control of knowing exactly what i was doing to myself. i started to cry cause how could anyone ever want that? How could anyone especially someone who has been so blessed to want the life of total hurt and a life of total darkness. For a split second I wanted the control back.

Like I said before I have so many questions that the answers just aren't coming fast enough. I try to figure them out on my own and I end up going around in circles like a dog chasing his tail. Some days i have enough faith for a whole city and then some days it seems I don't have enough faith to open my eyes in the morning. Questions and prayers that are sometimes answered with out me even knowing it, are the little gifts that I take for granted everyday. I don't know if I am supposed to love, live, laugh, cry, hope, or dream. There are so many things that i am unsure of and there are so many doubts that creep up in the middle of the night, but one thing i know is that I am alive and i can choose to love, live, laugh, cry, hope, and dream. That has to be worth something...

I think i have a fever

oh yes!!! once again i feel the sickness coming on! It is actually a blessing i guess that i can tell when i'm getting sick. This way there is no element of surprise. My whole body hurt tonight. I was so grumpy at work. I'm sure all of my tables hated me. The feeling was mutual believe me. There was this one table though that was so awesome. They were british and I totally wanted to sit and chat with them. I wanted to talk in a british accent too!! There is also this gut that i work with, he will be called the opossum for this blog. Mainly because i hate opossums and they are scary and very mean looking, just like this guy. I really don't have a story to go along with the opossum. I just don't like him and he made my night very unenjoyable. Ok, so tomorrow is the day that i will get up when i am supposed to!!! Tomorrow is the start of really getting up! I guess i better go to sleep then...

Three Things

There have been three things on my mind lately that I am going to share today...

The first being kind of on a lighter note than the other two. I have been thinking about my relationships in the past and how they had good moments, sometimes even great moments but it was nothing that lasted a while or filled me up. I was never just completely full of greatness. So I have been watching A LOT of chick flicks in the past week or so cause I am definitely a hopeless romantic. I mean I go to Starbucks cause i really like their tea but secretly hoping that a tall handsome guy is gonna come in and say a charming line that will lead to our huge wedding and wonderful life together. I seriously think i have it figured out that i will meet a doctor at starbucks and then we will fall in love and have lots of gorgeous babies together. Basically I am just setting myself up for failure here but its still fun to think about while I am sipping my tea.

Ok the second thing is about religion. I desperately want to have so much faith. I want to have faith that God has a plan for me. I want to have faith that this is exactly where God wants me to be right now. This is hard to do for many reasons. The first being that with my personality it is difficult for me to not be in control. I mean even when I am with a group of friends and it is not my turn to talk or say what needs to be said, I get antsy. I really don't know if that is how you spell "antsy," cause to be honest I don't think I have ever used it in a sentence. Interesting. Anyway I'm a control freak and it is hard for me to put everything i believe in or trust in to something that I know not that much about. I know God and Jesus and the basic stuff about the bible. I took a class on religious stuff in 8th grade. Just thought I would share that. So, I know stuff but it is the concrete facts, that this really did happen and that the bible is not just some made up book by some guy on the street corner. It is hard for me also to sit and doubt God in any way cause lets all be honest here I probably should have been dead six years ago, biologically speaking. I really do have a sense or a feeling that this is the path that I am supposed to follow. In my heart and soul and everything about me is saying, "Erin you have Diabetes for a reason, and its not to wake you up in the middle of the night to shaking, sweating, or crying. I know its not to struggle through life just for the fun of it. There is a bigger reason for me. I know that. I know that without a doubt. So, then I ask myself why do you even for a second doubt anything about God. I have no idea and that is what frustrates me.

The last thing that has been on my mind does have to do with diabetes. A couple things. The first being about this girl that i work with. I just can't get over the fact that I have been her. I was her and i feel so deeply for her cause i have been in the dakest place and have felt so unbelievably low like i know she feels. She can hide it well but you know, so did I. I can just look at her and know what she is feeling. She is a nice person and it kills me that someone has to go through life feeling thst way. Feeling like there is no way out or no better way. The second thing is my health. I can feel it slipping through my fingers again. Not my actual health. I'm not sick or anything. Just the overall what i should be doing and what I shouldn't. I'm not eating when I should. I'm not taking my blood sugar like I should mainly because test strips are so damn expensive. I really think if I had a very large sum of money I would be happier. I know all that nonsense about money doesn't make you happy, but listen to this. I would be able to pay for all my medicine and supplies. I would be able to afford good and healthy food. Last i would higher a personal trainer. Having all that taken care of for me would definitely take some weight off my shoulders. I'm not even famous!!!! I don't have to have the nice body, I just have to do it to live longer. Anyway enough of my rambling!!


The first diabetes support group is tomorrow!! Wish me luck!!

I want to have my cupcake, and eat it too!!

I think this is gonna be the name of my book. I think it is kind of fitting. Today i am filled with so many thoughts, worries, doubts, excitements, and the list could go on and on. I just got back from my bible study and there are so many feelings inside me right now. I am so excited to be going on the journey that i am with such an open heart. I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life that i am feeling just free and open to what God has in store for me. I am nervous about the support group on Saturday. Will anyone show up? Will a hundred people show up? Will I be able to help anyone? It is just kind of stressful to put it all together but in an exciting way, if that makes sense? I am still struggling so much with getting up in the morning. I'm telling you my body just does not function until at least 10. Even if I am awake earlier than that i promise you don't want to talk to me cause chances are i will just give you a look and a one word response that will make you feel like an idiot. I know that is so awful but it is my truth. I admit it and apologize for anyone that has ever experienced or will experience my morning wrath. I am off to Starbucks to try and have a moment of thoughtlessness?? Is that even a word? If it's not, it should be!

Thoughts

So... I have been slacking some on taking care of myself. It seems like I complain about this like every second of everyday and i feel like everyone is thinking when is she gonna get the hang of this. To be honest I don't think I ever will, and I don't think I'm supposed to. My mom used to say that this wil eventually become like brushing your teeth. Honestly there are still days sometimes that i forget to brush my teeth so that statement really doesn't help me out much. you know how when you try to walk in water there is a slight resistance? That is how i feel all the time. Everything I do. Everyday. I feel like there is a slight resistance. It takes just a little bit more energy, a little more strength, a little more patience, just a little more in general.

Good News: I got the flyers done today for the support group. I have a really nice place to have it and I'm super stoked!!!!

6 a.m.

I hate this time of day. Something happens to my body everyday at this time. I think it litterally goes into a comma until at least 8. I have the hardest time getting up!!! Yesterday i got up and did my breathing and started my yoga and the next thing i knew it was 10. I somehow fell into a comma again!!! I think i'll get the hang of it one day!!!

Back on Track

Ok so once again I'm gonna try really hard to get back in a routine. It is so damn hard to get up at 6 a.m. though. I mean come on!! it is the only time of day i can exercise though. Not only do I have to wake up early, i have to go exercise too!!! what a bummer man!!! I know i have to do it. I got up this morning at 9 and i have to get up tomorrow at 7, so maybe by saturday i can make myself get up at 6. I'll let you know how it goes.
I am also gonna start up the support group up that i was gonna start way back when. i just think it will really make a difference. If it doesn't i will at least know i tried!!! Well i am taking a test tomorrow for my CNA class!! Wish me luck!!

Resolutions

so, it's a little over a week into the new year. I am so pumped about this year I can hardly stand it. I have so many big plans, now just have to follow through on them all. I know a lot of people say they never make resolutions cause it is just a big set up for failure and i don't think there has been one year that i have actually stuck with any of mine. I'm making quite a few this year just so i know that at least one of them has to work. Here they are:

1. I am going to do at least one thing that makes me happy everyday. It doesn't have to be a big thing, just somethimg to make me smile.
2. I am going to change at least one thing that is bringing me down everyday. Again does not have to be big things, but it can be.
3. I am going to save 20 to 25 thousand this year. 10 of it to go towards my move to Chicago next January, WOO HOO!!! The other 10 to 15 to go towards my hospital debt, or just my debt in general. This one is gonna be really difficult but i know i can do it.
4. I am going to stop dating losers and start dating really nice doctors. This one is just for fun but I think i can make it happen.
5. Lastly of course it is to take care of myself. To really try my best to stay healthy. This is an every year resolution though.

On a different note I met a girl today that has juvenile diabetes. She is 19 and was diagnosed a year and a half ago. I literally wanted to cry for her because she is in the stage that she really doesn't care about herself or her body and she is damaging it so much by not taking her medicine. I was with her for about four hours today and I saw her eat a huge ahi tuna salad, a huge sirloin sandwich, some coconut shrimp, and about six cokes. She weighs about a hundred pounds too. I just wanted to scream for her cause I know exactly how she is feeling emotionally and physically and it is such a dark place to be. She told me that she just wanted to die. She would rather be dead than live with this disease and it breaks my heart because she will die if she continues on the path that she leads. I struggle everyday. I struggle to take the shots when they hurt and i struggle to deal with the lows in the middle of the night. I thank God though that I actually have a second chance at this and I hope that she realizes how precious her life really is before it's too late.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Year!!!!!!