Holy Crap!!

Oh my goodness I feel like my world is just going so fast. I have these mini panic attacks cause i feel like the next two weeks are
filled with so much to do. Mainly I have the panic attacks cause i'm spending money on furniture cause i'm moving in to my new place, a new car cause i sold mine for no real reason other than I didn't want one then realized that I probably still need one. I'm not in Chicago yet so I can't really take the train or walk everywhere. I'm about to go on this trip to California which is surprisingly the thing that is not really costing me much at all. I'm so excited to just get away but I have to get all my other stuff done first. I have to make sure I have all my medicine and enough of it just in case i drop a bottle of insulin and it shatters everywhere, which I have done once or twice. I was so pissed off about that. I have to go see the doctor for a drug test and a TB test for this class I'm taking. I have to make sure everything is good with my apartment like the electric, water and cable. I'm calling about a million people on craigslist for furniture. My head is literally spinning. I'm like that girl from the exorcist. It's funny though cause i feel like I have so much going on and I'm so stressed out but God always humbles me. I had a friend call me about an hour ago just in total crisis and they just have hit rock bottom and don't know where to go. It really made me put things in perspective. All these things that I'm stressed out about are actually really great, fun gifts. I also thought about my life about 8 months ago and It made me feel so sick. I hate thinking about that time in my life but I know that from time to time i need to so I know that I never want to be there again. I love everyone!!! I hope you all had a happy easter, and are having a wonderful week!!!

feeling good

So, i worked out today and i feel pretty good. I just had a low blood sugar but it was nothing a little oj couldn't fix. I really don't feel like going to work tonight but i have to make the green stuff somehow. I'm getting super pumped about my california vacation!!!!! Two weeks from today! It will be nice to just get away for a couple of days. Well, that's about it for right now...

changing it up

so I changed up the looks of the blog a little bit. I like it. It's a nice change. I don't really feel good right now. I haven't felt that great all day. Mainly cause i did something stupid and drank last night. I hate alcohol. It doesn't even really taste that good to me. Peer pressure man, I tell you they aren't lying when they say it's a bitch. It's a waste of money too. whatever, i'm not gonna do it anymore. I always say things and i really mean them but it seems like a week after i say them i go back on my word.
I'm going to California in a couple of weeks!!! yea! yea! yea! I'm so excited. It's only for a couple of days but i've never been and i'm totally pumped!!!!

I didn't think it could get any better

So I was visiting my local starbucks this morning and i really didn't think my experiences at starbucks could get any better but today my friend was great. I walked up and ordered my tea and the girl behind the counter asked if I had ever added any flavors to my tea? Now this was something i had never thought of. She proceeded to let me know that the vanilla was quite delightful. I said what the heck, I'll give it a try. I said you only live once, right? With a little chuckle to follow. It was so magnificent. My first sip was like jumping in to a pool of chocolate or something equivalent. I'm sure I can think of a better analogy but that was the first that came to mind. Speaking of analogies. This girl refered to one of her friends like cookie dough last night. Like the first couple of bites are really tasty and leaving you with wanting more but after you've eaten half the roll your stomach hurts and all you want to do is throw up. I thought it was one of the most brilliant things ever spoken and I completely intend to use it for everyone that is in my life that fits that description.

My blood sugar was 135 this morning which is really good, especially cause most of the time my morning sugars are high! I'm actually gonna start exercising today. Now, I am aware that i say this everyday, but i am actually gonna do it today. I've started this new thing. Also, I am aware that i start something new almost everyday but it's all about trial and error, just trying to find out what is best for me! Anyway, this is the new thing I'm starting. Once a day I can have something that is not that healthy for me. For example, if i want a cupcake i'm gonna eat a cupcake. That means though that for the rest of the day I really have to be strick on what i eat. no more sodas at work, no more late night snacking. It has been working pretty well actually. Granted it's really only been one day and I cheated a tiny bit but...well maybe i'll be trying something new soon.

I have come tothe conclusion that my body is at war with itself. right now i think that my skin is winning, you know what i take that back cause i got sunburned the other day. lets see, i guess it would be my brain cause that is the only thing that is working right. obviously my pancreas is pretty much done for. my stomach is all messed up, i can't eat any artificial sugar cause it makes me really sick. ironic huh? my heart is just too big and too open so it gets hurt all the time by stupid boys and people that like to take advantage of something real. my skin is burned. i need glasses cause my eyes are getting worse. I wish that everything in my body could talk and they had conversations. I should write a play or something with that scenario. Ok I'm off to start my day! whew that was long!!!

a beautiful morning

Now, i say it's a beautiful morning but i really don't know that cause it's still dark. It's 6:45 but we moved our clocks forward so it kind of is still 5:45. I feel like it is gonna be a beautiful morning though. I have, have, have to start exercising and eating better. I'm starting to gain weight and i really don't like it very much!! I have been really good the past three days or so. I was eating a lot of vegetables and salads. I snack a lot though and that doesn't help and when i am at work which is pretty much all the time i drink way to much soft drinks. I take my medicine for it but I just drink way too much. I have found that if i bring my own water that helps and if I chew gum it helps too. I had a low blood sugar at work yesterday and it was not cool. I couldn't get it back up for the life of me. I am always afraid that i will just pass out at a table. That wouldn't be funny. Something that is pretty funny though is that this girl fell at work the other day. we were closed so it was only in front of employees. It was funny, but there was one thing that made it hysterical. She had a styrofoam to go cup in her hand, and i guess cause she got scared in the middle of her fall she gripped the cup so tight that is split in half. I literally almost peed in my pants. She also took down a wooden silverware holder off the wall with her. This was three days ago and we still act it out at work. I had root beer come out of my nose last night because of it. That stuff kind of burns coming out of your nose. well i'm off to have my starbucks and plan my day. have a good one!

funny!

I was just reading my last blog and I had to laugh at myself cause I think i made some really good points but in the middle of all of it, i had to throw in there how ashamed of myself i am because i screen phone calls. I mean I'm talking about all this bad stuff i do like lie and drink, and smoke. Sometimes I don't take care of myself...and screen phone calls. it made me laugh to myself a little bit.

choices

One of the best things about living is that we have a choice to do anything and everything. One of the greatest gifts that God has given us is that we have a choice. It's almost three in the morning and i can't sleep because all I can do is lay here in my bed and think about all the choices i have made in my life. the good ones, the bad ones, the not so wise ones, the ones that have changed my life and the ones that have made me who i am. the ones that are small but make a big difference and the ones that i wish i could change. Sometimes having a choice can be a bad thing because it just gives a reason to make the same mistakes over again. i make bad choices everyday. I choose to not take my blood sugar, i choose not to take my medicine, i choose to get up at two in the afternoon, i choose to screen phone calls, or lie about things that could be ok with just a straight answer. looking back on all of the bad, stupid, or careless choices I have made in my twenty five years of life, make me want to hang my head in shame. It makes me feel so undeserving of everything that i have, of everyone that i have. i choose to smoke a cigarette, i choose to take a shot of alcohol, and a lot of times i rationalize it with excuses that really can not be excuses at all.

As i sit here and think about all the choices, screw ups and messes i have made, i start to cry. Not because i hate myself, but because i still have love within me. just like we have been given the gift of choice, we have been given the gift of grace. Grace from God, grace from loved ones. Such undeserving grace that overwhelms me when i think of how much of it i have. it makes me cry to think that i was given two precious gifts before i even knew what gifts were, and how after living twenty five years i am still careless with the choices i make and how after twenty five years i still take for granted the grace that is placed on me every day. I don't really know how I am feeling right now. I'm just kind of thinking out loud. I'm not really sad or down, i guess i just needed to write it down to wake me up to everything that i have been asleep to.

I have an excuse

My internet has been not working very well lately so it has been kind of difficult to write on here. I have been doing ok I guess. I'm not where I want to be exactly but who is when it comes to eating right or exercising??? I had a low blood sugar this morning that was not so fun. I wish I could explain exactly how these feel. It's like your body isn't yours. It is a completely foreign object for however long it lasts and the only thing you want to do is jump out of it and it just won't let you. I hate it when it gets so bad that you start to get the cold sweats and then your whole body is soaked in a matter of seconds. It's really stupid.

After I slept for a little bit cause i was just really weak I had to run some errands. I was stopped at a red light and I saw the guy from starbucks drive by. Yes, I know what his car looks like cause I'm basically in love with him. Anyway he was on his phone and I don't know why I even wanted to get his attention but I did. Looking back on the whole situation now, it probably wasn't such a great idea to honk at him. It's like I get all flustered when I am near him and all good judgement doesn't seem to exist. Of course when I honked at him he literally had to swerve to miss from hitting the car in front of him cause he was so startled. I slowly just put my head against the steering wheel and prayed that he didn't know it was the hand lover!