Reality

Wow. I'm so mad at myself right now. I really need to find time to write on here more. This blog is gonna be kind of long cause there are a few things that i want to talk about.

First off, I am feeling better. I think I owe that to family and Christmas time. I spent the weekend with one set of grandparents and it really made me happy. Growing up, Jake and I did not get to spend a lot of time with all of our family because we had so much!!!! I mean we have three sets of grandparents alone!! We both know that we had no control really of who we got to spend time with but I really do regret not being able to spend more time with my grandmother on my dad's side before she passed away. This weekend was just really fun getting to know just a little bit more about my grandparents. How they met, how they fell in love, and just stories of their past. It just made me really happy. I also got a Starbucks mug which really made my heart sing!! :)

I say that i am feeling better, which is true, but I am not feeling great. I constantly struggle with taking care of myself. It blows my mind cause I don't even know why. I mean I am talking about life or death. If I do not take care of myself I will die. It's pretty black and white. Any person in their right mind would just do it, which leads me to believe that I'm not really in my right mind. I just don't understand. I was praying to God today just asking why I can't just take care of myself. And just now, I'm talking like seconds ago he answered me. Plain and simple he answered with, "Well Erin, you are lazy." It's true. I'm lazy and I want to take the easy road. It is so fucking hard to get up everyday and be a diabetic. Excuse my language but I wanted to have a firm word to make a point. It's hard and I am lazy. I am naturally lazy at pretty much everything. I used to just say that i was really layed back and kind of a go with the flow girl. Really though I'm thinking I might just be lazy. I get in these moods though when I'm not lazy and you better look out cause I can make plans, outlines, and lists like you have never seen. Then i get lazy again and never follow through. It's a harsh reality, I know. I have to make a change though. I'm not ready to die yet. I've got too much to live for.

I was talking to one of my really good friends last night. He is actually the one that pretty much saved my life. He is such an amazing guy. I swear he is like the wisdom above all wisdom. First of all he is so unbelievably smart and no matter what I am feeling he can just say three words that turn everything around. I mean I have heard these three words all my life but for some reason when he says them it just clicks. He said, "God loves you." Thats it. That is all he had to say and I felt pretty sure that i can do anything. He's pretty freaking awesome if you ask me!!! :)

So anyway, I'm working two jobs, staying busy and trying to save money. I will be in Chicago again!!!!! Sooner than later anyway. I love everyone that reads this and I really love the constant support!!!!

Once Again

I kind of feel like I fall really hard and then find the courage and strength somewhere to get back up and dust myself off. its like there is this little person inside of me that everyday fights a boxing match and at the end of most days she feels like she has lost and even if she has won for that day she is too exhausted from the fight to enjoy her victory. This little person really amazes me because everyday she wakes up inside me after I am usually the one that has knocked her down time and time again. She wakes up everyday ready to fight her fight for the day. Part of me cries when I think about this little person inside of me because of the strength she has day in and day out. I really have to sit down sometimes and realize that little person inside of me is my heart and my soul. Some days i feel so defeated and so warn down that its hard to get up again, but once again that little fighter in me, that little boxer that gets up everyday is once again ready to fight her fight...

Scared

So I haven't written very much lately. I am mad at myself for it. I found myself today feeling bad. Not physically. I guess more on an emotional side. A little over three months ago I was almost dead. I didn't really even feel it though. I had become numb to my disease. I had become numb to my pain in a lot of areas of my life. I had taken everything that hurt me and pushed it away and filled it with things that gave me a temporary happiness. I made a choice three months ago to actually start living my life. I knew that with that would come feeling again. Feeling the pain of a collective twenty four years. The pain of not having a father. The pain of losing guys in my life. The pain of losing friends in my life. There have been quite a few people that I let have a piece of my heart and they just took it and threw it away like it was a piece of unimportant paper. I knew that I was especially making a choice to accept the pain that has wieghed the most on my heart and that was the total denial of what was going on inside of my body. I have a disease. I have a disease that will last a lifetime. It makes me feel shaky, it makes me want to cry. It makes me want to punch in a wall. It makes every aspect of my life just a little more difficult than the rest. I want to scream at the top of my lungs until I can't breathe anymore. Tonight I'm scared. I'm scared to lose my life again. I'm scared because for the past week I haven't been taking care of myself and I'm scared because I don't even care. When I was in Nashville three months ago it was awful. I'm not gonna lie it was bad but, I was numb. I never felt a thing and although my heart was breaking, it was never hurting. So, what is better? feeling numb to everything, or feeling the hurt along with the happiness. I'm not so sure anymore. I'm scared. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want it to be difficult. I'm scared to hurt people that I love and I'm scared that no matter what I do or how great my life will ever be, no matter how much help, love, family, or prayer i will ever have, it may never be enough. I have a disease that i want to feel numb to and i'm scared that i will make the same mistake again. I'm scared that I have let it take me over and i'm scared to really feel what it is inside of me that hurts...

It's been a while

It has been too long since I have written anything on here. I don't really feel like writing right this second but I just wanted everyone to know that I'm alive and kickin'!!! Stay tuned for some great news!!!

Life

I'm sitting here thinking about just how precious life is. How it can be taken in a split second without warning at all. You know I was thinking about when we see on the news of drug dealers, or people that do bad things to other peoole. When we see that their life has been taken away sometimes we don't even blink an eye. When we see rappers get shot in some kind of drug war we don't even feel sorry. When we see someone like princess Diana's life get taken away the whole nation mourns. Why is that?? Is it not just as wrong when a person that may have made some mistakes in their life has their life taken away? They have a family. They have a mother and a father that now have no child. They have a friend that will miss them everyday. They had a life and whether it be filled with trying to help eveyone around them as much as they could or whether it was filled with rights and wrongs along the way, it was a life. A human being. A breathing, feeling, hoping, soul that will no longer be. All of my thoughts and prayers are with my family right now, and i can only hope that God will give strngth and courage to those in need.

Disappointed

Ok I happen to know that there are poeple that read my blog everyday and I also happen to know that some of those people can be very witty. So, my question is why haven't i had one response to my request to help me with finding new names for my high and low blood sugars. I'm just gonna have to go ahead and be honest here and say I'm a little disappointed!!!!! my blood sugars are pretty steady right now, which is good. I am so proud of myself cause I have been doing so great at working out!!! Yay!!

Cheating Destiny

I wrote on here earlier but I just had to write again. I was at Starbucks this morning drinking my tea and reading A book called Cheating Destiny. The author is James S. Hirsch. It is an eye opening look into the life of a diabetic especially a two year old boy. Everyone go get this book. Go to your library, go to the bookstore. I don't care just go get this book. There are so many of you that read this daily and only know what Diabetes is like from my blogs. This man in this book says everything that I have ever wanted to say and so much more. For all of you that are getting me presents for Christmas, don't. Instead go get this book and read it. Simply knowing what my life really is day in and day out means more to me than anything. The little boy in this book is the whole reason that I am going to school and he is the reason that i want to become someone that can help. Someone that can understand and say, "this is gonna hurt but, you can do it." Please, please, please read this book and maybe everyone will understand at least one tenth more of why it is so important to educate people about this disease and the overall importance to finding a cure.

It's Early!!!

It is almost 6:00 a.m. here in good old florida. I am trying to get up earlier cause i feel like so much time is wasted by sleeping in. Even if I get up at around 10:00, which is like four hours earlier than what I was getting up at, i still feel that there could be so much more to do. Even if it is to watch cartoons with lila. listening to her laugh makes me so happy and I would miss it if I slept in. Doing yoga and breathing slowly in and out for twenty minutes is one of the best things I have ever thought of doing. I don't know why but it is such a sense of peace. I could have a low or a high blood sugar but when i am in that place I don't have diabetes. I have no problems at all. All i feel is every inhale and every exhale. Speaking of low and high blood sugar, my mom and I were trying to come up with some different names to call them. For example, if i was having a low i could say, "I'm having circus show right now." or if i was having a high i could say, "well i have to go into the office today" so I'm not to happy about that. Fun stuff like that. Anyway, we haven't found anything really awesome yet. So, help me out. Put your thinking caps on and give me some ideas! Thanks!

Starbucks

I am totally in love with Starbucks. It is one of my favorite places on earth. Just imagine my excitement being in a starbucks on Michigan Avenue on my break from teaching little kids how to manage and deal with their diabetes, looking at a picture of my toy yorkshire terrier in my totally amazing apartment. It makes me giddy just thinking about it. I can't wait!! ok, enough of my daydreaming. Starbucks is just such an awesome place. The chai tea captivates me as i watch the different people walk out with their little pieces of heaven in styrofoam cups. The music is so soothing it just makes me want to sink into a plush, over sized chair. Which they have there. Who cares that it is so ridiculously over priced. If it brings me even a moments sense of goodness, i'm gonna take it. I'm gonna take it and pay whatever they want, no questions asked. I got my tea for free today because they couldn't break a hundred dollar bill. I was just so thankful. That is the only word that I can think of. Thankful that my world is a tiny bit better because of my wonderful friends at starbucks!!!! I hope that everyone finds there moment of goodness today...

I get to

Earlier today I found myself smiling for no reason at all and for so many reasons there are to many to count. I realized that i get to...

I get to make my sister smile. I get to breathe. I get to walk and see and smell. I get to taste some of the most amazing food. I get to feel what its like to love with all of my heart. I get to eat a cupcake. I get to listen to music so unbelievably moving it brings me to tears. I ge to laugh at small things. I get to watch a squirrel run up a tree. I get to have my heart broken. I get to learn from my mistakes. I get to have second chances. I get to play on the playground. I get to have freinds that will listen. I get to sleep in a bed. I get to be beautiful. I get to use a computer every day. I get to write exactly what I'm feeling. I get to drink starbucks. I get to shop. I get to want things that aren't needed. I get to eat my mom's mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving. I get to cry when I want to. I get to change my mind. I get to dress up. i get to drink a glass of wine. I get to have good conversations. I get to work hard for the things I want. I get to have dreams and goals. I get to eat a peanut butter and honey sandwhich everyday if i want to. I get to be with my family everyday. I get to take hot showers. I get to swim in the ocean. I get to be mad. I get to be sorry. I get to be loved. I get to pick flowers. i get to drink tea. I get to sing in the car. I get to smile when I'm happy. I get to light candles. I get to smell christmas trees. I get to be anything i want to be whenever i want to be it...

I get to just because. Think about all the carzy wonderful things you get to do just simply because you get to. I bet it will make you smile too.

Busy Bee

I have been so busy lately it has been really hard to write. Things are on the up and up though. I'm feeling better. Exercising everyday. I went to my doctor last week and he gave me like ten bottles of insulin for FREE!!!!! That was so nice of him. They are expensive especially when you don't have insurance. He is awesome too!!! He changed my dose of insulin and my blood sugars have been significantly better. I am liking my job somewhat. It's better than nothing, I'm making money, and it keeps me busy so I can't complain. Well Anyway I'm off to exercise...

Thank You

I thank God that I am alive today.

Faith

One definition for faith is the firm belief in something for which there is no proof. For some people faith comes easily. The optimistic, the hopeful find it easy to have total and complete faith in something to which may not be true. So many people have faith in so many different crazy things. They find it easier to put their faith in something other than themselves. It is easier to believe in something that so many other people believe in rather than taking the chance to believe in someone. The last week or so I have come to realize that having faith in anything requires you to really have faith in yourself first. Truely believing that inside yourself there is something that is gonna make a difference. Once I have that faith then no cold, flu or any illness will be able to stop it. Jimmy Carter once said,"I have one life and one chance to make it count for something...I'm free to chose what that something is, and the something I've chosen is my faith. Now, my faith goes beyond theology and religion and requires considerable work and effort. My faith demands-that is not optional-my faith demands that I do whatever I can, wherever I am, whenever i can, for as long as i can with whatever i have to try and make a difference."

Day by Day

It's been a couple of days since I have written on here. Things are getting better. Physically each day is getting better, so that makes it a little easier for my emotional state. It's just really hard. I'm not patient at all and I totally want to take things too fast. I have to realize that my body is trying to recover from eight years of abuse and it's not just gonna bounce back in a couple of months. I'm geting there though. That has to count for something...

Hmmm....

Well today has been better. I guess that is all i can say. I wish that i could write on here that everything is great and awesome but it's just not. This is the toughest I think it has been since really deciding to better myself. Physically today has been pretty good. I have had this weird feeling in my body all day long but it isn't really a bad feeling just strange. Emotionally I haven't cried today which I think is a good thing. I found myself alone in my thoughts a lot today which is also a good thing. Not only was I really sick this past week but my thoughts were all cloudy and so unclear. Clarity is such a beautiful thing. I wish I had more of it, more often. Well I guess that is all I have today. I knew this road would be hard when i chose to take it and I knew that there would be times of absolute madness and i chose to take it anyway. I know in my heart there will come a day when I can just breathe with ease and think wow look how far I've come...

Obviously

So, as you can tell I have not had that great of a week. just when I can feel the warmth of the sun again the clouds seem to cover it up. I wasn't sure if I was even gonna write tonight cause I'm feeling pretty bad. I'm feeling bad in pretty much every way. Physically I want to kill my body. Literally I'm done with it. I'm gonna be honest here and go ahead and say that this past week I have thought about just quiting, giving up, throwing in the towel and bow out gracefully. I guess that is why this week has been so hard because my body is done, it does not want to play this game of life anymore. My heart and soul have been pushed down into the mud and walked all over, but each time they get up. Each time they find something worth getting up for. It really amazes me what I can be put through and my heart as broken as it is, keeps beating. I had a chat with God earlier and I said, "I know that you have great plans for me, and I know that this is something that i have to go through to do these great things. I know that in order for me to do wonderful things this pain is gonna hurt, but please just let me breathe. Just a few moments just let me breathe." I guess I also want to ask of anyone that reads this if you are religious or not just pray for me. Just pray that I can breathe for just a short time. I know that although my heart has been pushed in the mud, bruised and even broken a little, it's a fighter it just needs a little help getting started once again after a pretty hard fall...

Not Yet

Well I jumped the gun on that last message. It is like I am playing a game and just when I think my luck has seemed to be up, I lose a turn. It is so frustrating. I did feel better today but I have little spells where I just feel so bad, nothing like it was a couple of days ago. I mean I'm not rocking back and forth in a little ball, sobbing while I try to plead to God to make it stop, but it still sucks. That is just plain and simple. Having Diabetes just sucks, and it is something that I live with. I'm strong and I have become that way because of what has come my way but it still just sucks. Well another day lived is another good day I guess. Thank you to everyone for CONSTANT support. I would never be me without you!

Getting There

I'm feeling better today. Although yesterday i felt defeated, I have made it through once again. I am just glad it's over for now.....

Low Points

I am sitting here writing this through swollen teary eyes, desperately pleading and praying to God to just make it better. If not forever at least for now. I just really wonder to myself how many times can one person be broken before they can never be put back together again? The pain inside me has grown into something that i can no longer bare. Physically, emotionally, mentally, there is no escaping it and I feel like I'm drowning gasping for air. Reaching for some surface and at times I feel it and it is the best damn air imaginable. Just when I get a taste, a thought of maybe things will be ok a wave comes and knocks me down again. I know that I am so unbelievably lucky to have the support that i get day in and day out. That is what keeps me swimming, but I'm tired. I'm treading water here with no sign of a shore. I'm breathing in deep with no oxygen.

Super Sick

Man oh man...I AM SICK!! It is just awful. I mean I have been really sick before like deathly ill but i feel like my body has just been thrown around like a rag doll. I cried today,well it was more like sobbed. I'm not really sure if i have ever cried like that before. I just really really felt defeated. My diabetes got the best of me and I was over it. I think that I am really good with words but somehow i just can't figure out the way to explain how i physically feel sometimes. It's awful. its almost like the feeling you get when you are running and you feel like your legs are gonna give out and each breath you take is just another struggle to take the next breath. The feeling of almost to the point of passing out, but trying to hang on. The feeling that everyone of your nerve endings are like fireworks constantly going off for hours. The little stabs of pain hurt so bad i twitch. Every muscle is sore and stiff. The cold chills are rough, and the fevers make me feel like my skin is on fire. I just couldn't do it today. I was down for the count. I lost this round and in my heart i feel today that i will probably lose the match as well...

Stupid

Ooohhhh I hate my diabetes, Ohhhhhhh I hate my diabetes, Ohhhhh I haaaaaaate my diabetes. That was a little diddy i just cooked up for you guys. I just had to spend $200 on my insulin. That I really don't have. Do you realize what you can get for $200? I could have gotten my hair cut and highlighted. I could have bought a cute pair of jeans. $200 could have bought me like 1000 cookies. So, I'm taking donations for my diabetic fund. No, I'm just kidding. I mean I would take the money, or gifts if you prefer. No, I'm just kidding again. Seriously though I would accept it. just a thought. I have to go exercise now. Just another thing that my stupid diabetes makes me do. It's not like I wake up and think oh I think I'll go run a few miles today. I need to trim off a few pounds. I wake up and think, well I guess I better go run for a while so I don't die or anything. Maybe I'll take a walk today so I don't have sugar spilling out into my pee. I should probably swim a couple of laps so my blood won't turn to acid. It's fun thoughts like those that get me pumped about my day. I think I'm gonna get a punching bag and paste signs on it that say things like, "dry mouth", "peeing every 15 minutes", No cupcakes", "Exercise", "Low blood sugar", "High blood sugar", "Shots (not the good kind)", Blood sugar (for the simple fact that I even have to know what it is)." I bet then it would be easy for me to exercise. I would just go hit that all day. I really want to be mad at someone, just anyone. Like I want to just go in the grocery store and as someone is passing by look in their cart and point out the things that I can't really eat, while yelling at them. Just screaming, " I can't have that, you wanna know why cause I have diabetes!! Yeah I have diabetes so that makes me mad at you!! Now get out of here!!!!" And then while they are wheeling away I mumble, "Stupid Chronic diseases." They would look back at me like I was crazy and I would just yell, "I SAID GET OUT OF HERE!!!" I think that would make me feel a little bit better about things...

Remembering

I'm having kind of a gloomy day today. It hasn't really been that bad of a day I just have been going over in my head some memories that hurt somewhat. I think that part of moving on is realizing that your past is part of who you are and i think that in order for me to live the way I want to I have to go through some of these memories and lean to let go and forgive. The memory that has been going through my heart and mind today is probably the most haunting. Just over two months ago. My body was dying and had limited time left. My mind was practically already there. I would only be awake for as long as I had to be, which was to go to work so I could make the cash I needed to go right back into my self induced comas. I was living off peanut butter, honey, frappacinos, and chicken wings. That was basically all I would eat. Oh and a lot of McDonalds. I can remember laying face down with barely any clothes on but I was still so hot. Every breath I would take a short sharp pain would stab my side. When I had to take a deep breath there was a pain that went through every part of my body leaving me with the thought that it was gonna be one of my last. Trying to stay awake for more than fifteen seconds was impossible. I could feel my body and it felt so small. It felt so weak and brittle. I remember trying to prepare myself to die. Everytime I would start to drift off my last thought would be is this the time that I don't wake up. It is really sad for me to think about these memories, cause it's just sad to know that I had those thoughts. To think of just how close I did come to losing it all. To think just how close I have come so many times to taking that last breath. Thinking about these things makes me realize that I must have a great purpose here on earth, or one hell of a job to do. I'm so grateful that I am still breathing and instead of asking is this gonna be my last, I'm now asking what is this next breath gonna hold for me?

Halloween!!!!!!!

So today is Halloween! Probably the worst holiday for diabetics. It is marked on all of our calendars as "The Day of Doom." I mean seriously as if it isn't hard enough to stay away from all that yummy chocolate and gooey goodness. Someone decided to mark a day where it is given out for FREE!!! 1. Candy is amazing on any day. 2. Free candy is like getting a puppy with a diamond ring around his neck, and a pair of car keys in his mouth. Ok, free candy is nowhere near as good as that, but it is still really good. Can you just imagine if you got a puppy with a diamond ring and keys to a new car? I think I would pee in my pants!!! I know that people say that saying all the time for various emotions, but i really think I would literally pee in my pants. For one I have to go to the bathroom all the time anyway and for two the sheer excitement of this event really happening would disable any bodily function!! Who knows maybe instead of peeing my pants I would just start spitting everywhere. I can't really say cause i've never come across this situation. Well of course yesterday was such a great amazing day, so naturally today was...well it was just shit. There is no other way to explain it. My blood sugar was high all day. Mainly cause I drank a mountain dew and had a mini snickers. Ok well I had a mini snickers, a mountain dew and a mini butterfinger. ok actually that was a lie. I had all that before and some skittles, goobers, and raisinettes. It's free candy people!! Don't judge me. Oh crap!! I had some hershey kisses too. They had caramel in them. Those things are so freaking good. I don't care who you are those things are good. Needless to say I might have had a little too much candy. I did eat a sugar free worther's original though. That has to count for something. I can feel it now though. My blood sugar is high and I'm feeling kind of crappy, but it's going down. I'm feeling better. I can't really complain cause i got to eat some candy and I new the consequences. My "Day of Doom," was well worth it.

Happy Halloween!!!!!

Take a step back

Sometimes you really just have to take a step back and realize that something greater than you is gonna take over. My mom has been trying to tell me that I really need to just say, "You know what God. I can't do this. I give this to you." Well I really did that today. There was a lot going on in my heart and head and I simply just said, "Here I am taking a step back. I'm giving this to you. Help me. Help me in any way that I need." Well I'm glad to say that right now at this very moment I feel like I can do anything. I'm not completely there. I mean it wasn't like I said these words and the heavens parted and everything in my life is now perfect. For the first time though, I really feel that every single broken piece of my heart that was on the floor is being swept up. Now it is time to put thost pieces back together. I know there will always be little chips of my heart that i will never find or get back, but those chips are what make me who I am and more importantly who i know i never want to be.

Update

I have started making fliers today for a support group. A group for Juvenile Diabetics the ages 18-30. I'm so excited about it I can hardly stand it!!! This is the start my friends of me making a difference!! Keep reading for great things to come!

Moments

The past few months have been a whirl wind of emotions. There are some moments that passed by that i didn't even get to feel. There is something to be said in a moment. There is a quote that says, " It's not about how many breaths you take. It's about how many moments take your breath away." I really feel like this is true. How much is a life, if you aren't living it? How much is it worth if you don't take time to realize that your breath was just taken away? When I first think of that quote I think of all the good things that take my breath away. A first kiss. A surprise of joy. An unexpected smile from a stranger. The first morning of fall. Watching the birth of a child. Or the first moment going down a hill on a roller coaster. As I sit here and drink my tea, I also think about the things that are not so great that have taken my breath away. A last goodbye. Waking up from a bad dream. Facing something that you don't want to face. Realizing that you are in trouble. Seeing police lights behind you. Running a mile without stopping. Someone jumping out of nowhere to scare you. I guess my point is that when i have a moment that takes my breath away, whether it be good or bad, it lets me know that I'm still breathing. I'm still living my life and not just letting it pass me by. No matter what kind of day i have at the end of it I find myself still breathing and for right now thats good enough for me.

Caring

I am having a really bad day today. I'm really emotional about a lot of things and all I want to do is run away from it all. I don't want to face the people that I've hurt or the things that i have said. I don't want to face the people that have hurt me or the things that have broken my heart. I just want to run from everything and not look back.

Making a diiference

I decided yesterday that I am going to make a difference. I really mean it too. I know a lot of people say I'm gonna make a difference, but then start to see a bee buzzing by and get all distracted. I really am gonna make a difference though. I don't exactly know how yet, but i have some ideas. So, mark my words. It's October 22, 2007 and I am going to make a difference. Watch out for more to come!!!!!

Joy

I'm sitting drinking my morning tea and I just close my eyes. The sound of silence fills me and the only thing i can feel is the slow and steady motion of my breathing. Thoughts of total joy pop into my brain as I effortlessly let them take me over. Swinging on the swing sets in the autumn, just when it starts to turn cold. Waking up but still being in a dream state. The sound of my sister laughing. Kisses on the forehead. The way a puppy nudges up against you to pet them. Reading the last page of an amazing book. Watching a movie that moves you. Listening to music that makes you want to dance. Tasting a new recipe for the first time and loving it. Talking at Starbucks for hours about nothing and everything. When something genuinely makes me smile. Knowing that today is gonna be better than yesterday. I think of all these things and I am filled with joy. I know that i have had some tough moments, and I definitely know that I have such a long way to go but at this moment. Right now at this very moment all I can feel is joy... and it feels wonderful.

PMS

You know I was thinking about this whole PMS thing and it really made me upset with Eve for taking a bite out of that apple. Can you just imagine how she felt after eating it. She had to deal with feeling all bloated and cranky for a whole week each month!!! Food cravings and being emotional about everything!! When I am on my period I find myself crying at the smallest of things like today for instance. I was driving home from work and my phone rang. Well, I couldn't get to it in time and I just completely lost it. I was like, Why??????? Why can't I just find my phone in time??????? Tears were streaming down my face, I was taking the double deep breath. You know the one were you are crying so hard you start to take a deep breath and in the middle of the first one you have to take another one. Why can't I just find the freaking phone??????? I calmed down and made it home ok Don't even get me started on how whack my blood sugars are during my period too. Those blood sugars shouldn't even count i mean they just shouldn't be aloud to be in the mix of them all. I really hate the suprise attack period too. You go into the restroom on a beautiful afternoon, and surprise!!! You are totally unprepared. Somehow you forgot to time everything out to the last minute. You haven't stocked up on tissues, chocolate or sad love movies. It always comes at the most inconvienent time too. When you are on a first date or in the middle of a test. I bet that when Eve had her first dose of PMS she was like, " Awwwww, maaaannn!!!! That is a decision I wish I could take back!!!"

Tired

I had a low blood sugar at about three this morning. It was a bad one too. The hunger was not that bad cause I was pretty sleepy but the cold sweats and the shakes were really bad for some reason. When I say the shakes and the sweats it makes me sound like a drug addict. I think its funny. Well not much to say today except I'm kind of tires from the endless life of diabetes. I just hate having diabetes. I think I could say that everyday and it never get old. I'm going to see a counselor tomorrow and I have been trying to come up with every excuse not to go. I know it will be good for me but there is just something inside me that is saying if I go to this session it will be a definite that I'm kind of messed up. I know its ridiculous. I started my period today which explains the highs and lows alternating every five minutes. I'm emotional as well. Oh the trials and tribulations of my life!

Do Blondes have more fun?

Ok, I'm gonna take a short break from the life of a diabetic for this entry. I am getting my hair cut soon and I'm going short. I really want it to be just like Jennifer Annistons hair on season eight of friends. I'm really contemplating taking a dvd into the hair salon with me. Anyway, i was talking about the color with my aunt and uncle and they said that being blonde is a totally different world. Not that they would personally know cause they are both brunette. Come to think of it why was i even listening to them? Just kidding. I really am thinking about doing it though. I want some feedback. Send me a shout!! Holla!! I don't really know what came over me in those last two sentences. I guess it is the hip hop dancer in me. Oh!! I don't think I have explained this yet. I have decided that I am gonna master the craft of hip hop dancing. I really think that when I was born God knew. He just knew that I was meant to get up, get down, and all around with hip hop. So, I'm gonna take some lessons although I'm not sure how much I need. I don't want to brag or anything, but it has been said that i have some mad skills. Dance skills my friends and I'm really not afraid to show them!! Have a great day!!

High Blood Sugars

I gotta tell you how annoying high blood sugars are. They don't really have an immediate physical annoyance especially if they are around 200 or so. I never know that I have a high until i check my sugar. Its like I'm going about my day. I had a great breakfast, played a little tennis, maybe watched a little Ellen Degeneres and had a few laughs. My stomach starts a rumblin. Oh!! It's time to eat a delicious, nutritious lunch. Prick my finger, which hurt a bit but not too bad this time. 5...4...3...2...1... BAAAAAMMM. A high blood sugar. I don't understand it? I did everything right. I calculated that it was that time of the month for me. I knew that I had taken exactly 5,653 1/2 steps all day. I accounted for the little giggle for Ellen. I knew that I was a little stressed about various things so I counted that. It was ten degrees higher today than yesterday, counted that. I ate 10/18ths of my apple so I know i counted my carbs correctly. Then it came to me!! I had tripped over a rock while trying to get as close as I could to a squirrel without it running away. I know that all of you have played this game. I actually got extremely close one time but thoughts of the squirrel attacking me popped into my head so I calmly and very slowly backed away. Anyway the point is that tripping over the rock and the fear of falling sent out millions of hormones through my body, therefore causing my blood sugar to rise. How annoying is that?? Stupid squirrel...

Finger Pricking

Here is something that I don't understand. My fingers must be totally mutated cause I can prick anyone of my fingers and get no blood at all. I'll prick the same finger a milometer away from the previous pricking and it squirts blood like I have hit a major artery. It's so strange. Finger pricking sucks by the way. You know how when you go to the doctor for a check up and you are thinking i can pee in a cup, i can get a flu shot, just please no finger pricking. The nurses at the doctors office also have a way of finding the one spot that will hurt the most. They also milk your finger like they are milking a cow if there is no blood coming out. I had two low sugars today and they sucked. I found myself sweating and shaking in my bed this morning. You think its awful to wake up to an alarm clock? Try waking up to the feeling of complete confusion, shaking, cold sweats, and wanting to eat and eat and eat. Its not too cool. Anyway, I'm just bitching about the glorious life of a diabetic.

I got a job

I got a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats it for today. I'm actually having a great day. Not because I found a job or made an appointment to see a counselor but because I just feel good. I feel good about being alive and just really being myself.

I just...don't know

When do you step in and say, "Let me help you. Let me take this off your shoulders. Let me make this easier for you." How far or how hard does someone you love have to fall before you say, "Let me pick you back up and dust you off." I think there is something in each and every one of us that yearns for someone to say, "it's ok." Everyone of us struggle in some way. The difference in a lot of us is that person that says, "It's ok." That person that shows you there is another way. Someone that can't take it all away but can make it just a bit easier. Someone to say, "this is gonna be hard. you are gonna have times that suck but you know what? It's ok. tomorrow may not be better, but i'll be here when it isn't." I love the part in Forrest Gump when Tom Hanks says, " I don't know much, but I know what love is." You don't have to be a genius to feel love. Love is simply this; when you are lost and almost gone it's the voice that says, "it's ok, let me help you find a way out of here." This voice can be from many or just one. Love is when you feel like you can no longer go on, that you might not make it another day and that voice says, "You can." I was in a deep deep whole that I felt like I was fighting to get out of but going nowhere. I had someone pull me out of that whole, and help me to see that I didn't have to hide anymore. They stepped in and said, "Let me help you. Let me get you out of here." I know that I have written about my mom before, but I think she is worth mentioning again. I don't think that I could ever explain how wonderful of a person she is. She is not only an amazing mother but if you ask any of her friends they would say that she is fantastic. The thing that amazes me the most is how much faith she has. Not only in God, but in herself, her marriage, her family and most of all me. She accepts me for everything that I am and everything that I'm not. I know you are thinking well, she is your mother, that is her job. She doesn't have to though. I know so many people that their mothers don't accept them for everything that they are. I am so lucky that I get to see Greyson, Harrison, and Lila with her. They look at her like she is the one and only important thing in their life. They may not act that way sometimes but they look at her like that. I'm sure it is very similar to the way that Jake and i look at her. She may not know it yet, but she has shaped me into everything that i have wanted to be. She has been the influence that I have always had but never knew.The great things that i know I will be are because she loves me. I wish I could be as strong as her, and I can't wait for the day that I say, "Wow, I sound just like my mom." I was lost and almost gone and she said, "It's ok."

Letting Go

I have realized that letting go is so hard to do. Letting go of things and people that made me feel safe. I felt safe in my lies about taking care of myself. I felt safe in hiding behind something that was killing me. It goes the same for some of the people in my life. I had to let go of some that I felt safe in but were not making me happy. It is tough letting all that go. For the past eight years I have felt safe and comfortable and now I feel scared and sad. I have so many people in my life that are amazing. They have pulled me and pushed me through things i would not have done alone. I was watching grey's last thursday and the ending was everything I have felt for so long. Grey said that although the thing that hurts us the most is painful it is less than the pain of letting it go. Letting go of everything is hard to do. Eight years of lies, hiding, and fear. It was killing me, but letting go of my safe place is hard. Letting go of the people that made me feel safe is hard. I have so many times tricked myself into thinking that some of these people were good for me. I put them in a light that was never true. I wanted them to be something that they never could be, or ever wanted to be. Its not their fault. They are good people at heart. Anyway, just thinking about that. I have had a pretty good day. My stomach has hurt a little, but then again when doesn't it? So, I am just ok today and that's alright with me.

Just Dance

So last might i was totally pumped and motivated about kicking ass and taking names with my life.

Well... I STILL AM!!!!! I'm so ready to make my life worth living. I really need to find a job. I'm almost getting bored. More than anything though I want some money. I woke up today with a bad attitude. I will admit it, i was a sour puss. I wish I could put some songs on here cause there are some songs that i listen to everyday that would make anyone want to dance. That is gonna be my new motto. I'm gonna dance! In all aspects of my life. I mean if you think about it dancing can be theraputic. It can be healing. It is good exercise. It releases tension, and lets all be honest here it's just plain fun! I encourage everyone to dance at some point today. Whether it's a slow dance with someone else, or just a little jig of your own. Get up off the couch and shake it like a rockstar! Love you guys!

Screw This!!

I'm listening to this song called Shine right now. It is by a woman named Laura Izibor. The first line is "Wake up one morning you realize, your life is one big compromise. You ask yourself there's got to be more than what I'm living for. You ask yourself there's got to be something else, something more. Well let the sun shine on your face. Don't let your life go to waste. Now is the time, got to make up your mind. Let it shine on you."

I got to thinking and you know what? I will be damned if this is gonna take me over. I am gonna make up my mind to fight this with everything that I have, not half ass like I have been doing. It's finally time for me to step up and be that strong person that everyone knows I am. I'm not gonna let this control me anymore. So, what if i have diabetes and so what If eat food just to throw it up. So what if I have a lot of issues because my biological father decided to not be a part of my life. So what if my boyfriend cheated on me. Shit happens. I've been knocked down by life quite a few times, but it's time for me to stand up, take the hit and move forward.

There is so much more that I will live for.

Today

Well the past couple of days have been tough. I have lost control of taking care of myself, and the one thing I could control hurt me just as much. Making myself throw up is such a gratification for me cause when everything around me is spinning it's the one thing that i have complete control of. It sucks. I'm going to talk to a counselor soon. Sometimes i sit and think about what i want my life to be and all the things that I want to make me happy. When looking at the big picture it seems so far away. It seems like an inevitable failure. All of this is so hard for me. It's even harder to share it with everyone. I think a lot of people for a long time have thought of me as this easy going, fun person. This has made me realize that everyone has shame for something. Everyone is afraid of something that is bigger than themselves. I know I'm not alone in this. I know my family and friends are there at the drop of a hat. I still feel so alone though sometimes. Today has been better. I haven't wanted to eat or throw up. I've taken my blood sugar and haven't eaten anything that I shouldn't have. Somehow I still don't feel in control. I still feel like everything around me is spinning out of my grasp and the more I try to hang on the farther everything gets. This whole thing will hopefully make me a stronger person cause I know it's definitely not going to kill me.

Hiding

Umm. This post is gonna be hard for me to write but I feel like I need to. I din't take my blood sugar all day yesterday. I took insulin but i don't really know if it was enough. or where my blood sugar was at all day. The worst part was that I made myself throw up yesterday. I ate as much as i could and then threw it all up. I don't even really know why. I don't feel like i am fat or anything. But it felt so good. It was like I was giving in to my addiction, but it felt so good. After I kind of didn't know what to do except cry. My aunt text me soon after that and I wanted so badly to just tell her. To reach to her for something, some kind of help. I couldn't though. I was afraid and ashamed of what she would think or what my whole family would think. Thoughts crossed my mind of they would make me stop, but did I really want to continue anyway. i sat and cried with the phone in my hands not knowing what to do. The past couple of days I have felt really good. I wonder though if it is because for the past couple of days i haven't been taking care of myself like I should. The past couple of days I have been comfortable in the hell of hiding like older days. My throat hurts today from yesterday, and I sit and cry as i write this. I cry because i know that I have a long way to go. I have struggles, and i have demons that i have to face. Most of me just wants to turn away from them and never look back. They won't ever go away though if I do that. I'm human and it's gonna not be easy. I'm more sure than anything i want to get better. I want to live a happy healthy life. It's getting to that life that I'm so unsure of...

I am LAZY!!

I'm not really that lazy, but it feels like it sometimes. I need to get a job, but I only want to work at a hospital and those jobs aren't just handed out like candy at a fourth of July parade. Haha. I just made that up. I have a confession to make though, since i have not been working i have been watching so much tv. I LOVE IT!! I mean i really love it. Most people would be would be going crazy being bored all day just watching tv. I think that these people have not taken the time to actually appreciate the world of reality tv. It can be sad, funny and even inspiring at times. I mean when Bret Michaels told the stripper that he couldn't see her anymore on Rock of Love, it was sad, funny and inspiring all in one!!! I'm just playing around, i still get out of the house and lay by the pool. Oh what a life I live. I'm enjoying myself actually. Being by myself and just sorting things out. It's going good. Hopefully tomorrow will be the same.

God Can You Find Me Here

I had a pretty good day today. I still have some physical issues going on with my body, but it was not too bad today. It is days like today though that give me just a little spark of hope that one day I will get better. Its the little moments when I laugh genuinely, or say something crazy. It's these moments that let me know even though i have been living in a world of lies for the past eight years, there are still pieces of the real me that exist. There are some days that I don't want to take this hard road. There are days that i would give anything to be someone different, to not have the struggles that I have had. I wish that I could just walk away from it all. The finger pricks would turn into ice cream cones. The shots would become day after day of happiness. There are so many days that i wake up thinking, "God can you just find me here?" Some days he finds me. Today he found me...

Sunshine and Rainbows

This made me cry, but it also made me smile. The thought of giving up just doesn't sound that great anymore. Thank you Ed.

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world
ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and
nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and
keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or
nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't
about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can
get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take
and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!
Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and
get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to
take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you
ain't where you are because of him, or her, or
anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're
better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter
what. No matter what happens. You're my son, you're my
blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you
start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a
life." ~Rocky Balboa~

Sick

I'm sick and not the cool kind. My whole body hurt yesterday and I was sick all night long. I was waking up every hour to get sick and then at about 4 it was every two hours. It's kind of frustrating because i was just getting over a sinus infection. My blood sugar was sky high! It makes me wonder if i will ever be ok. Have I already done too much damage to my body? It hurts a lot. Physically my whole body feels like a really bad heardache and then I have little sharp pains at random spoys every five seconds. These pains are horibble. It;s the kind of pain that makes you jump. Mentally i feel completely exhausted. I feel like no matter what I do it won't ever be ok. I feel like a crazy person because I'm an emotional wreck. One day I am so happy, the next i just don't even want to go on. I want to quit. I would rather be dead than do this everyday. I had a doctors appointment yesterday and she asked my if i was depressed or if I needed to be medicated. I was immediately like no, I get out of bed everyday. I still enjoy things. I don't want to be doped up on something all day long. My brother used to be pretty heavy into drugs. We had a conversation once and he said that one of the reasons he did drugs was because he just didn't want to feel anymore. I thought this was so sad. His life was so bad that he just didn't want to feel anything. I now understand what he meant. I have great moments, great friends, a great family. What more could I ask for, right?

A different me

I knew there was something that I wanted to write about. Have you ever wanted to be something that you're not. Not a different person, or anything like that. Not famous or really rich, but just a little different than what you normally are. For example today at the pharmacy. The guy told me that it would be about an hour until everything was done and I just wanted to be like, "Oh Really!!?, Really!?, cause what if I don't have an hour. What do you think about that? Huh chump?" I politely said, "Ok I'll be back in an hour." I just thought that would be funny, only to me though. He would probably think I was quite rude, as would all the people standing around. It would make me laugh inside though. Just a thought.

Well Osh Kosh Bagosh

I love today. I don't really know why cause I have had such a bad headache all day but I still love today! I even had to have a pap test today. What is wrong with me? On days that I have nothing go wrong, I feel like I want to kill myself. Then on days that everything has potential to ruin my day I'm on cloud nine. Welcome to being female...

Love

I really value love. Every kind of love. The love from family that is never ending no matter how many times you mess up. The love of friends that are there to make you laugh and say what an asshole the newest crush is because he broke your heart. The love of a friend that will tell you that you look kind of hoochie in the dress you just bought. The love of a friend that will sit and cry with you not even knowing what the problem is but they are there anyway. One of the most powerful loves, which shouldn't be, is that of a significant other. This love can make you or break you. You can feel like the luckiest person in the world, or you can feel like your heart was just shattered into a million little pieces and it's never gonna be put back quite the same. I was thinking about this kind of love in particular last night. I was listening to sad song after sad song about love lost, love never found, and the love that could have been but the boy was just too stupid to realize it. You know what I mean about those stupid boys. The best thing was right in their face and you just want to kick them in the balls so they can feel something, anything from you. I could literally smack some men in my life like that. One of my boyfriends once told me that if i went into the hospital one more time that he would have to let me go, like i was being fired or something. I was livid and hurt at the same time. I have diabetes. It wasn't like I was chronically late to dates or anything. I really hate the loves that hurt for months and months afterwards, but lets be honest when you really love someone when does it not hurt for that long? When you picture yourself seeing them months down the road and you look absolutely stunning of course and they are still so so. They look at you and just say, "I made a mistake." I hate that it really hurts sometimes but then other times its no big deal. I think the worst thing about losing that kind of love is the realization that the person that you cared so deeply for, doesn't care in the same. Most people eventually find the love that they are searching for. Sometimes its just automatic. Sometimes its a struggle but well worth every minute. I haven't found that love yet. A couple of times I thought i had found it until one of those friends stepped in and said, "What are you thinking?" This had nothing really to do with diabetes. It was just on my mind today. I have had a pretty good day. I'm exhausted for some reason. Anyway, I hope that everyone today has a little bit of love in their lives. Whether it be, a family member, a friend, or a significant other. I don't want to sound cliche, but love can heal a whole hell of a lot. So, go hug that great big guy of yours, tell your mom she looks pretty, or just sit in the park making fun of what other people wear with a friend. Have a good one!

Trees with Purple Leaves

The title of this blog has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm gonna write about. I just thought it was interesting. I'm having a really good day. Mainly because I slept until 10, so I've only been up for two hours. A lot could go wrong in two hours though, and nothing has so far. I find myself wondering a lot on life's little lessons. I wish that I knew the wisdom of the world. I wish that I had my whole life figured out. Well at least i used to want that. I thought about it and if i had my whole life figured out then it wouldn't be fun. I mean not knowing where you will be in a year, or why the cute guy at the computer lab didn't ask me out is fun, right? My life's frustrations get me down sometimes, that is for sure. I hate wondering why my blood sugar is so out of whack when I tried my very best to make it just OK. I hate being scared to tell a boy that i have juvenile diabetes because of what he might think. I hate that for so long I felt sick, tired, and alone. I hate that I wasted so much of "the good years" in my life. I hate that no matter what time of day it is, no matter where I am, or who I'm with there is one thing on my mind at that is diabetes. But you know what? Here is what I love... I love the fact that I get a second chance at this. I love that i get to hear my little sister laugh all the time. I love the feeling of when that guy in the computer lab actually asks me out. I love that my family and friends listen to me bitch about this day in and day out and are still there for me. I love that I'm gonna be in Chicago soon! I love that,yes,life and diabetes gets me down sometimes,but finally I have this very tiny tiny little voice inside me that says i can do this, instead of one that says give up. Although that tiny little voice is still very small and sometimes hard to hear, I know it's there.

Tomorrow will be better

SO first of all I am listening to the sickest song ever. That's right I said it, "sick." I'm bringing the word back. If it awesome, it is no longer called "cool." It's "sick", So I had an awful day yesterday. I've actually not had that great of a week. Low blood sugars in the middle of the night, high ones all day long, and the overwhelming fear that i'm just not gonna be able to do this. I get so frustrated with myself when I eat something i'm not supposed to and then i get mad at myself for being so hard on myself and then when it comes down to it i end up feeling fat and forget to take a shot for what i ate that I wasn't supposed to eat. Am I freaking loco? Sometimes I really think that I am crazy. At least that is what all my previous boyfriends have said. I cried a lot yesterday and I felt that I just couldn't do it. I wanted to go back to Nashville and do the easy yet harmful thing to my body. So umm I was feeling down and out. I was texting my mom all of what i was feeling. This was her reply, "That is BULL SHIT. You can do this. Tomorrow will be better." First of all I was not one hundred percent ok with her attitude there. I was crying and laughing in the same, because if you know my mother she is not one for the tough love approach. I can remember being five and laughing at her when she tried to spank me. It kind of made me feel better in a way. So thanks mom for that. Ugh!! This is definitely a hard road. I can't tell you how many times a day I just want to say, "Screw you Diabetes!!" When I say It I raise my fist in the air too, with a mean look on my face!

I really really hate low blood sugars

I hate low blood sugars with a passion. I woke up this morning with one and that is seriously the worst feeling ever. I have been close to dying before and I think that a low blood sugar is worse. It's almost like the feeling you get when you are about to go on a first date, which is kind of that nervous excitement feeling mixed with really having your heart broken, mixed with a hunger that can not be filled by anything you eat. It's awful. I had one this morning and once i started eating I couldn't stop. It was unbelievable how much i ate. I had like ten pieces of bacon, two glasses of orange juice, two english muffins, some ice cream, pudding, grahm crackers, granola bars, peanut butter, a ton of sugar free cookies. I started crying and threw everything that i really liked eating away. Not everything but the stuff that i ate too much of at the wrong times i just threw it away. It sucks because I am not a very patient person at all. I wanted to be able to trust myself after a month. I wanted to be able to know that I could do this without any question. I took insulin for everything i ate. I thought about making myself throw up, but i didn't. Today was a bad start. Hopefully it will get better. Hopefully i will get better.

Hindu!!

Ok I have been trying to write this blog for about fifteen minutes now. For some reason I accidentally turned a translation button on somewhere. I was getting so frustrated! Everything i was writing was in Hindu!! I really was getting angry. At one point I think I called the computer a stupid bastard. Well anyway last night was not so good for me. I started having pain in my side again with the rattling noise too. I'm not really sure what it is but i really don't like it. I went to see my new endocrinologist today. He was pretty cool. He was very straight forward about things. He is from Argentina and he kept calling me erwin, which made me giggle inside!! Maybe he will get my name right someday. I kind of liked being called erwin though. It was like I was a different person. I'm kind of just blah again today. I need to find a job to occupy my time. I went to see one of the hospitals yesterday and I really really want to work there. We'll see I guess. My blood sugar was 400 this morning which is not very good, but shit happens i guess. I feel really fat today too. I wish that I could listen to what other people say, like you aren't fat at all, and believe them. It all comes down to what i feel. Even if 1000 model agencies told me I had the perfect body or the really hot guy sitting next to me in the computer lab right now said I was amazingly beautiful, it would still be me that was judging me. That sucks!! oh well, we all have our struggles. I hope everyone is having a glorious day!!

Tough

I can remember one of the worst times that I have had in my life. I was in the hospital. I don't remember how I got there. I know that I was really sick though. I remember I was in and out of it. I remember waking up and throwing up in a trash can. My boyfriend was there at the time. I wasn't embarrassed or anything. He had seen a lot worse from me I'm sure. I fell back asleep. When I woke back up my dad was by my side. His head was in his hands. I kind of just sat there and I could feel my heart breaking, because I knew what I was doing to myself all along. For the first time though i saw what I was doing to the people most important to me. I will never forget that night. I'll never forget the voicemail from my brother telling me that he loved me. I have hated myself for what i put people through. Anyway I was just thinking about that...

Good Weekend

Well this weekend was pretty good. I finally got out of the rv!!! yah!! it really wasn't that bad, but I just needed my space! I am so thankful though to my parents and family. I have made such a turn around in my life and it feels so good. I have never lasted a month with trying to be healthy and do things right. Ok well now on to the bad stuff. Last night I couldn't sleep and I just got this hunger craving I wanted to eat everything in the whole house. The worst part is that I really wanted sugar. I didn't eat any sugar but i did eat some crackers, a granola bar, and a piece of pizza. I was kind of bummed that i slipped a little bit but I took insulin for what I ate and had a good workout this morning. I guess i am just ok right now. I'm neither good nor bad. I guess I'm just kind of bored. Once I find a job it will get better i think. I need to keep myself busy cause when I have nothing to do, I just eat!! Hope everyone's weekend went fantastic!!!

Family

Two days ago I got see one of my very best friends. Keep in mind that for the past month I have been hanging out with a six year old, a four year old and a two year old. It hasn't been that bad. Harrison and i have had some deep, meaningful conversations about how far he got on his star wars computer game. Needless to say i was very happy to see one of my friends, even if it was just for a couple of hours. Now my friend and i have the perfect relationship. I love that we can talk for thirty minutes about going to the bathroom and we are genuinely interested in what the other one has to say. We could talk for hours about shetland ponies. We make each other laugh until it hurts and everyone else around us is like, what the hell are they laughing about. They just don't get it. That's what I love about her. She just gets it. Well, anyway yesterday I had a long time to think. I started thinking about my friend. I thought about all my close friends. You know who you are. The ones that find you in a bathroom passed out cause you were so dehydrated from throwing up. The ones that sit with you in the hospital day after day. The ones that go get your medicine no matter what time of day or no matter how far away it is. The ones that make you laugh until your stomach hurts. The ones that sit on a porch for hours talking about nothing and everything in the same. The ones that tell you to stop eating the cookies and don't get mad when you hate them for just a second. The ones that are there for you no matter what hell and worry you have put them through. These people in my life are not my blood. I don't spend the holidays with most of them. We don't have big annoying reunions, but these friends are just as much my family as any other member of the clan. I love them with all my heart and I would not be alive today with out each and every one of them in some way!! Thank you for all the love and support you have given me. I love you guys! Long live the shetland king!

Almonds

So yesterday started off with me being pissed off at my low blood sugar, and for no reason at all ,bananas. My day got better, but after it got worse first. I went to the pharmacy to get a refill on my test strips to test my blood sugar. Of course there was a problem. Why wouldn't there be? They told me that insurance wouldn't pay for them until it was a month since the last time i got them. Ok first of all I get 50 test strips each time. For all you mathematically challenged that is less than two a day when I am supposed to be checking it at least four times a day. I got pretty mad. It's like I'm in the middle of this sick joke where i am trying my hardest and every pharmacist is out to get me!! So I got a little angry, and in my anger I stopped at the ice cream section, the candy section, and the section with the delicious, all time favorite twinkie!! I just looked though and wanted. I opted for a can of roasted almonds. Well, while the whole can only had 12 carbs, the calories were around 800. That is like two meals for me. I ate the whole thing. I was like this unstoppable beast with these almonds! They are really good. Of course after each handful I kept telling myself to stop, but i just couldn't. I then got really angry at myself for my little moment of weakness. I had to really stop and kind of just talk to myself. The people in cars beside me probably thought i was some kind of crazy person. First throwing handfuls of almonds in my mouth like it was the only thing I had eaten in weeks then trying to calm myself down by talking to myself!! I went shopping to ease my anger a little. They had a sale on flip flops and I felt like i was being rewarded for picking up almonds instead of twinkies. All in all it was a kind of not so good day but I made it through and today is full of all new things! I hope everyone has a great day!!

I just wanna sleep

I had a low blood sugar at about 4 this morning. I JUST WANNA SLEEP!!! If my blood sugar is too high, i have to get up and go pee every thirty minutes. If my blood sugar gets too low, i wake up shaking in cold sweats feeling like a freaking monster that has to have food! I just want to sleep a night the whole way through. For eight years now every time i blow out candles on a cake, have an eyelash on my cheek, or get the bigger piece of a wishbone i wish for just one day. I wish for just one day that I feel good. I have perfect blood sugars. My fingers don't bruise after each prick. I don't start to bleed after each shot. My stomach doesn't hurt after each meal, and a full nights sleep. Just one day of feeling good. I don't even wish for my diabetes to be gone. Now I just want one day. I'm kind of down today. That low blood sugar this morning just really pissed me off. The only thing that could have made it worse would have been if the only thing i had that could bring it back up was a banana! Man, I hate bananas. I don't even know why but just the thought of them makes me angry.

Oh what a morning!

I woke up this morning at 7 again. I need to be getting up at 6, but everytime my alarm goes off i push snooze. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it!! My blood sugar was almost 400 too. I expect it to be high in the mornings and plus I have been sick, so I guess that is why. Who knows, right? I could have had a nightmare that scared me, sending out some unknown hormone that spiked it up! I never really know, but I'm doing the best I can, I'm checking everything and taking my medicine, so it's just a trial and error period. I am definitely on a freaking roller coaster of emotions. One minute I will be so happy and proud of myself and then the next minute I'm crying feeling like a failure. I don't know. It's only been three weeks and I have come a long way, so I guess I'm doing ok! On a lighter note, I love my siblings to death but the past three weeks have taught me some things. 1. I am totally not ready to have kids!! Babies are adorable, but so are little monkeys and I don't need one of those. 2. I have realized that I am a pretty patient person, but when I have reached my point, i have to make myself stop and breathe so I don't go all crazy on everyone. 3. I may need to be put in jail or some kind of facility like that because the thought has crossed my mind of just punching one or more of them in the face. Last, Lila is perfect. She will never do wrong in my eyes!. Sure my eardrums start to bleed when she screams, but the dimple in her cheek when she smiles makes everything al better! That's it for now. I hope everyone is having a great day that is a start to a wonderful week!

Laughter is the best medicine

I can't sleep, so I am writing on here again. I laughed today. The kind of laugh that brings tears to your eyes and makes your stomach hurt. The women in my family have the ability to laugh this way about nothing at all. It can be just two of us or all of us together. We could laugh for thirty minutes about a peanut sitting on a table and by the end of it all, no one knows what we were laughing at in the first place. I love it!! Earlier tonight it was about different salad toppings with my mom. Thinking about the conversation later I cried. I cried because I had not felt that good in a very long time. I cried because even though it lasted for only ten minutes, i had never felt more alive. I want to spend this blog talking about my mom for a bit. She is the strongest person I have ever known. My brother and I alone have probably put a few gray hairs on her head. Ok a side note. while writing this i just had a low blood sugar. I freaking hate low blood sugars. Bananas and low blood sugars are like buddies out to ruin anyone's day! Anyway like I was saying my mom is a very strong person, but everyone says that about their mother. I respect my mom more than anything. Anything great that my life will become, it is because of her. She can be in such a stressful situation and handle it with such calmness and grace. She amazes me everyday how she handles two grown children, three children under the age of seven, a husband, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, having a strong faith, home schooling, dealing with everyday challenges, all while living in an RV!!! While being with her these past three weeks we have spent a lot of time together and had a lot of tough conversations. I have a tattoo that says Agape, which means love of the family or unconditional love. My mom is the heart of that. She is what makes jake, greyson, harrison, lila and I whole. Not a lot of people can say that they have a close relationship with their mothers. Even less consider their mother to be one of their best friends. I am so lucky and fortunate to be able to say both. I love you mom.

Wow this is difficult!

Ok so this is my first blog on here and it's gonna be long. I don't really know where to begin. I can remember when I was fifteen. It was close to my birthday and I was sitting in a bathroom asking my mom why i was so thirsty and having to pee all the time. She was a nurse so she had her suspicions. She calmly told me that it could be Juvenile Diabetes. I knew what it was cause I had participated in The Walk For the Cure before. I didn't really know what to think. I was at an age where so many things in my life already were confusing enough. I started to cry and I just said that i didn't want to have Juvenile Diabetes. I wish it were that simple. If I didn't want it than it wasn't going to be that. I would just have the flu or something. Close to a week later, I was sitting in the doctors office and they pricked my finger. No one likes to get their finger pricked, but this one was different. This one would determine a lifetime of multiple finger pricks, everyday. Obviously it showed that this would be my reality. After four days of a complete course in what i was supposed to do, how to do it, and what would happen if i didn't, i was still just as confused. I was thrust back at home with so many books and websites to learn more of what was right to eat, what i should stay away from and what was gonna basically kill me. From this moment up to about three weeks ago i went down a dark, deep path that almost led to my death. I completely pushed away anything that had to do with diabetes. I was sixteen. I had better things to worry about like football games, dates, and new jobs. I was a pretty average size for a girl my age. I was never fat, but i was never really skinny either. When i was seventeen for some reason i gained a lot of weight. I wanted to be that skinny girl. I started to make myself throw up. In the shower mostly. I would take three showers a day just to throw up. I would also do it at night, when everyone was asleep. I lost some of the weight, but not enough. Keep in mind that i was still not taking my medicine, checking my blood sugar, eating right, or even caring that i had diabetes all together.

I went to college two and a half hours away from my family. This is where it got bad. I figured out that i could not take my medicine, eat a ton of food and not have to throw up anymore. In doing this though i was slowly, but surely committing suicide. I lost a lot of weight really fast so i thought this was awesome! At first I could go about a month barely taking my medicine and i would be ok. the month turned into a week then into just days. I have been in the hospital six times now with ketoacidoses. I became obsessed with food and my weight. The more i ate the more weight i lost. It was so cruel though because i started getting really sick. I would sleep for hours and hours, waking up with just enough time to go throw up because my blood sugar was so high. I would eat boxes of pop tarts, whole pizzas, ten pieces of bread, a whole bag of chips, 5 bagels, gallons of juice, or liters, of coke just so I could pass out for a few more days. I can remember not having any money or food in my house. That is when I found one of my favorite things to eat, tubs of peanut butter with cups of sugar mixed in. It was cheap and tasted like a peanut butter cookie. I can remember on holidays waitng until my whole family was asleep and pushing as many cookies as i could into my mouth. Rearranging the rest of them so no one noticed that i ate so many. I would wake up every thirty minutes at night so I could use the bathroom. I can't remember when I actually slept a full night. There would be a lot of times that i would cry and pray to god. Some nights it would be,"please, don't let me die, please god don't let me die." Other nights it would be," I just want to die. I want to die so I don't have to feel this way anymore." I wanted to stop so many times, and I tried a lot of times too. I would start to take my shots, check my sugar, eat right, and even exercise. Everytime about a week into it I would start to gain weight and go straight back to my normal habits. I started to feel safe in my sugar fixes. If I was stressed i would go eat a lot and then pass out for a day. This way I wouldn't have to deal with things that bothered me. I knew that things were getting bad when my breathing was different. Short and sharp. I knew it was time for me to go into the hospital at these points. Even not being able to breathe, my whole body hurting, my heart feeling like it was going to explode cause it was beating so fast and spending countless days in a hospital bed did not turn me away from what I was doing. I was so far into it, I didn't know how to get out.

About three weeks ago I went into the hospital with ketoacidoses for the very last time. Sitting in the waiting room, feeling defeated and exhausted in every way, i knew i needed help. I am now getting that help from my family and a team of doctors. I still struggle every minute of every day. I'm terrified that i will go back to my old ways. I get frustrated by the small things. I want to quit sometimes. I'm alive though and I have made the choice that I'm gonna start really living. My life is worth something so much more than i can even imagine. So this is the start of my blog page. I will try to write as much as I can and I hope that you will follow along with all of my ups and downs. I have a long way to go but now I truely know that I will get there.