oh what to write??

i literally have been sitting here for about 20 minutes trying to decide what i'm gonna write and still have nothing...

ok, i will talk about my night last night. well back up i will first tell you that on average you swallow 8 spiders in your life time.  i learned this a couple months ago from a snapple bottle. frankly i was shocked and honestly a little concerned. How are these said spiders getting into my mouth and do they crawl down my throat? how am i not feeling any of this? do they happen to just fly in my mouth when i am riding a bike? going fast down a hill? because if that is the case, i can tell you with confidence that this scenario will not happen 8 times in my life! are they big spiders? tiny spiders? can they lay eggs in my stomach? these questions need to be answered for me to feel safe ever again.

 so last night i was sleeping in the back room on an air mattress because my bed is not very comfortable and it is almost like a sauna in my room. so naturally i was a little uneasy sleeping close to the ground but i decided to go through with it. i fell asleep pretty quickly but woke up at around 2:00 because i thought i heard something. it was nothing. or so i thought. two hours later i awoke again to a dark object moving east over my hand and onto the bed. it almost looked like a wasp in the dark and i was squinting through my sleep eyes. i focused and took my phone to make a flashlight... and there he was. i spider the size of my fist. or a quarter. either way it was bigger than i had wanted it to be. my immediate thought was that this little creature was headed straight for my saliva glands. he was determined to be a statistic. it was his destiny and nothing was getting in his way.  Well not today my friend, not today. i flicked him into the dark distance and uneasily layed back down. i woke up every thirty minutes or so to make sure my mouth was closed tight and he wasn't back for round two!! i know he is out there somewhere just waiting for me to get on a bike and coast down a hill so he can test his fate once again!!!

I hope everyone is having a great day!!

The New Year

Sooo... it has been a month and a half since i have posted something on here and my last post was all about how i was going to write something everyday. Hmmm... well that didn't really work out so much. I am writing on here today though and it is probably gonna be a long one. since i have some things on my mind.  so get ready to read!!

First thing, i had an amazing Christmas and i hope everyone else did as well. it is so fun to see the little ones wake up and get excited to see all the gifts santa left for them. i remember one christmas when jake and i were little and we swore we heard reindeer on the roof. the anticipation of what was to come is just so thrilling.  I didn't get my puppy that i asked for but there is always next year. harrison said i didn't get it because santa just hasn't found the right puppy for me yet. he is sweet. sometimes he pushes his limits but is still really sweet.

The christmas season has not been that bad on my diabetes. mainly because recently i have decided to cut back on how much i eat. everyone's body is different and i guess mine just can't handle being stuffed with food. i did eat all the cookies and fudge i wanted, but it just wasn't the regular amount that i would normally eat.  so, my blood sugars have been great!  i did have a breakdown about a week or two ago and i have come to the realization that i'm gonna have those from time to time.  a lot of people through these ten years have told me that eventually it will all become second nature to me. i agree that in time it will get easier as most things do but, i don't think there will ever be a day when i don't hate diabetes.  most days i won't hate it very much and it will be a great day. my blood sugars will be normal and everything else goes as planned. that will be a great day. on some days though nothing goes as planned i will fall on my broken ankle while trying my best to get out of bed to treat the blow blood sugar. those days i will hate diabetes a little more than usual. i think the trick is to make the great days outweigh the bad ones. this goes for so many other aspects of life too.

i was sitting here reading all the wonderful status updates on facebook and everyone planning their new year's festivities and it got me thinking about the new year. 2010. it is a whole new adventure. a brand new, exciting adventure.  i don't really ever make resolutions because by january 3rd they are already out the window. it is just another thing to feel like a failure about in my opinion. so, i'm not gonna make one but i do want to try new things. i really feel like i can do a much better job of things than what i do. the main thing i want to do better is loving people. it seems so simple of a word with a thousand different meanings. it is so easy as a society to hide or walk away from something that might be uncomfortable. for example if you see a stranger that may need help, whether it be an elderly person struggling with their groceries or someone stuck on the side of the road. how many times have you thought they look like they need some help and walked away. i know i have so many times because i was afraid. not afraid of being hurt but afraid that the situation would be awkward. i can't even count how many times i have wanted to tell someone that means so much to me that i love them but have stopped myself because i was afraid they would think it was weird.  i hate that i have put limitations on showing love in any kind of way because i know how great it feels when someone unexpected shows me love. in simple little ways. i can only hope that by me changing this little part of who i am that i can maybe just make someone's day a little better. make someone see that loving doesn't have to be some grand gesture. loving doesn't have to take a lot of time or even a lot of effort. It only needs a little push from somewhere inside. a push from your heart instead of your head.

I think this new year i'm gonna write a book too. i don't know what about yet but i think it would be fun!

GAAAHHHHH!!

I'm so bad about writing on here. i don't know why! i think about it everyday but then always end up doing something else completely pointless!  My foot is getting better. i went to the doctor yesterday and the he told me that i was doing really great! so that was really encouraging. he said though that he was gonna put me in a cast soon, which sucks but i decided i'm gonna get a green one and decorate it like a christmas tree. pretty pumped about that. the wheels have already started turning on what i want on it. maybe i could paint my toenails like little presents! hahah!

In a perfect world.

These last couple of days have sucked a little more than the other ones recently. it just seems like i am in this constant low blood sugar, or trip to the bathroom, or at a scream fest for little kids. I have no escape. I have no where to go to just be alone, or be with people my age. I can't even go on a walk because of my stupid ankle and it is just too much for me right now. It doesn't help that it is that time of the month for me and i snap at the smallest of things. In a perfect world, everything would just be a little bit easier.  Everything would just go away.

Sick Day

I'm calling in sick today.  I'm just gonna lay in bed and watch movies =)

Ahhh, Sleep!

I slept through the night! This may be or should be a regular occurrence for most but not for me.  It is very rare that I sleep through the night. It has been that way for a long time too. Ten years to be exact.  Well, if I want to be exact it has been ten years, six months and three days since i started showing signs of having diabetes.  Waking up in the middle of the night to drink a bottle of water and go pee every hour. It was like clock work too. Every hour on the dot.  It has been that way ever since. Not to that extreme as much but it is usually two to three times a night.  All that changed about two weeks ago though and instead of waking up to down some water and try to make it to the bathroom, I was waking up to cold sweats, shaking, and the uncontrollable urge to eat anything I could. Low Blood Sugars! It is like a totally different life right now.  It is like one extreme to another and trying to find the balance is exhausting.  So, when i woke up at 7 this morning, I was a little shocked to see that it was 7.  It was like something in me calmed down a little bit. Something said, "you are gonna make it through this." And as i picked up my crutches and headed to breakfast a tiny little smile of ease. A small smile of relief came across my face.

Have a Great Day!!

Obsession

So, i have discovered that i have an obsessive personality at times.  I may have a little bit of OCD but i don't think it is a bad thing.  Like for instance i have a log book that i write all my blood sugars down in and how many carbs i ate at meals and stuff like that. I have to write with the same pen every time i write in it.  It is one of  those black pens with the fine point. I love these pens. I'm not saying that any other pen would not work but i started with this particular pen so no other one is good enough. I actually had to write something in it with a different pen the other day and not only was it not as good of a pen but it was blue ink. It still bothers me. I try not to think about it though. Does that make me a total freak? I think it does a little bit. On some level?

I also have found this new obsession with dancing, which is ironic because i doubt that i will be doing any of that anytime soon. I seriously though want to be a hip hop dancer.So You Think You Can Dance is one of my favorite shows! i could watch clips of these people dancing all day long!  I have expressed this desire before but i don't think anyone takes me seriously. Which i can understand because i have never taking one single dance class in my life. Well, I take that back. I took a jazz class my first semester in college. I failed it. Only because it was at 8 in the morning and i just couldn't make myself get there. So, once this ankle is all better I'm for real gonna become a dancer. Then maybe i can go on one of oprah's defying all odds shows! it's worth a try!

Have a great day!

Tiny Bats

My finger tips look like they have been beaten with tiny little bats! They have these tiny little bruises all over them. I have been having A LOT of low blood sugars so I have literally been taking my blood sugars like ten times a day. That is ten finger pricks a day. That is on average one finger prick, one bruise, one tiny little bat beating on each finger a day. Now, i have gotten kind of used to it but I hit one finger the other day and thought my knees were gonna buckle!!! It's rare that happens though.

The Vols won yesterday and they actually looked good doing it! Go Vols! Now the Colts need to win today!

Here We Go Again

So I have decided to write on here again.

There has been a lot go on since the last time i wrote on her. Well i guess i will just kind of start with the most recent. About a week ago i moved to Indiana to go to Nursing school and to just get healthy. I don't know if you know this about me but I have Diabetes. =)

I have never really taken care of myself and it is finally catching up with me. Geez, i sound like i am 80 years old. I'm only 26!! I shouldn't have to be dealing with this kind of stuff, right? Oh well I guess that is a conversation left for God and I to work out. Anyway, because of my extremely dull and non fighting immune system i kind of got the swine flu. I don't know about anyone else but when i think of an immune system fighting away sickness, I think of these little knights with armor on and swords! When I picture my immune system though I picture a bunch of guys laying out by the pool drinking pina coladas. They don't really feel like fighting away anything. On top of the flu, I have had something wrong with my foot for quite some time now. I went to different doctors asking what the hell was wrong and why I was in pain like it was broken and swollen three times the size of my other one if not more. Every doctor had a different story of how it could be this, it could be that. Telling me basically it was because of my diabetes and would go away the better my blood sugars were. It's funny that I am choosing a career to be working for doctors. Which the good ones are few and far between. Well, i went to the podiatrist this last Tuesday and he gave me some crushing news...I have something called charcot joint. Which first of all i want to say that if any of you read this then google it, my condition is not nearly as bad as any of the pictures that they show. It is basically because of poor management on my part of my disease and what has happened is that my ankle bone is shattered. It is non existent and so my tibia was resting on my heel bone. It is pretty freaking serious but he said he can fix it. I'm in a cast though and really can't get up to do anything. Which brings us to the perfect time to write on her again!!

So...that is what I'm doing. Just trying to get better before I start school. I'm bored a lot and I'm having a hard time this first week or so because of many different things that i will get into later. As for now I'm off to eat some broccoli cheese soup and get ready to watch the little ones trick or treat! Happy Halloween!!!