Love

I really value love. Every kind of love. The love from family that is never ending no matter how many times you mess up. The love of friends that are there to make you laugh and say what an asshole the newest crush is because he broke your heart. The love of a friend that will tell you that you look kind of hoochie in the dress you just bought. The love of a friend that will sit and cry with you not even knowing what the problem is but they are there anyway. One of the most powerful loves, which shouldn't be, is that of a significant other. This love can make you or break you. You can feel like the luckiest person in the world, or you can feel like your heart was just shattered into a million little pieces and it's never gonna be put back quite the same. I was thinking about this kind of love in particular last night. I was listening to sad song after sad song about love lost, love never found, and the love that could have been but the boy was just too stupid to realize it. You know what I mean about those stupid boys. The best thing was right in their face and you just want to kick them in the balls so they can feel something, anything from you. I could literally smack some men in my life like that. One of my boyfriends once told me that if i went into the hospital one more time that he would have to let me go, like i was being fired or something. I was livid and hurt at the same time. I have diabetes. It wasn't like I was chronically late to dates or anything. I really hate the loves that hurt for months and months afterwards, but lets be honest when you really love someone when does it not hurt for that long? When you picture yourself seeing them months down the road and you look absolutely stunning of course and they are still so so. They look at you and just say, "I made a mistake." I hate that it really hurts sometimes but then other times its no big deal. I think the worst thing about losing that kind of love is the realization that the person that you cared so deeply for, doesn't care in the same. Most people eventually find the love that they are searching for. Sometimes its just automatic. Sometimes its a struggle but well worth every minute. I haven't found that love yet. A couple of times I thought i had found it until one of those friends stepped in and said, "What are you thinking?" This had nothing really to do with diabetes. It was just on my mind today. I have had a pretty good day. I'm exhausted for some reason. Anyway, I hope that everyone today has a little bit of love in their lives. Whether it be, a family member, a friend, or a significant other. I don't want to sound cliche, but love can heal a whole hell of a lot. So, go hug that great big guy of yours, tell your mom she looks pretty, or just sit in the park making fun of what other people wear with a friend. Have a good one!

Trees with Purple Leaves

The title of this blog has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm gonna write about. I just thought it was interesting. I'm having a really good day. Mainly because I slept until 10, so I've only been up for two hours. A lot could go wrong in two hours though, and nothing has so far. I find myself wondering a lot on life's little lessons. I wish that I knew the wisdom of the world. I wish that I had my whole life figured out. Well at least i used to want that. I thought about it and if i had my whole life figured out then it wouldn't be fun. I mean not knowing where you will be in a year, or why the cute guy at the computer lab didn't ask me out is fun, right? My life's frustrations get me down sometimes, that is for sure. I hate wondering why my blood sugar is so out of whack when I tried my very best to make it just OK. I hate being scared to tell a boy that i have juvenile diabetes because of what he might think. I hate that for so long I felt sick, tired, and alone. I hate that I wasted so much of "the good years" in my life. I hate that no matter what time of day it is, no matter where I am, or who I'm with there is one thing on my mind at that is diabetes. But you know what? Here is what I love... I love the fact that I get a second chance at this. I love that i get to hear my little sister laugh all the time. I love the feeling of when that guy in the computer lab actually asks me out. I love that my family and friends listen to me bitch about this day in and day out and are still there for me. I love that I'm gonna be in Chicago soon! I love that,yes,life and diabetes gets me down sometimes,but finally I have this very tiny tiny little voice inside me that says i can do this, instead of one that says give up. Although that tiny little voice is still very small and sometimes hard to hear, I know it's there.

Tomorrow will be better

SO first of all I am listening to the sickest song ever. That's right I said it, "sick." I'm bringing the word back. If it awesome, it is no longer called "cool." It's "sick", So I had an awful day yesterday. I've actually not had that great of a week. Low blood sugars in the middle of the night, high ones all day long, and the overwhelming fear that i'm just not gonna be able to do this. I get so frustrated with myself when I eat something i'm not supposed to and then i get mad at myself for being so hard on myself and then when it comes down to it i end up feeling fat and forget to take a shot for what i ate that I wasn't supposed to eat. Am I freaking loco? Sometimes I really think that I am crazy. At least that is what all my previous boyfriends have said. I cried a lot yesterday and I felt that I just couldn't do it. I wanted to go back to Nashville and do the easy yet harmful thing to my body. So umm I was feeling down and out. I was texting my mom all of what i was feeling. This was her reply, "That is BULL SHIT. You can do this. Tomorrow will be better." First of all I was not one hundred percent ok with her attitude there. I was crying and laughing in the same, because if you know my mother she is not one for the tough love approach. I can remember being five and laughing at her when she tried to spank me. It kind of made me feel better in a way. So thanks mom for that. Ugh!! This is definitely a hard road. I can't tell you how many times a day I just want to say, "Screw you Diabetes!!" When I say It I raise my fist in the air too, with a mean look on my face!

I really really hate low blood sugars

I hate low blood sugars with a passion. I woke up this morning with one and that is seriously the worst feeling ever. I have been close to dying before and I think that a low blood sugar is worse. It's almost like the feeling you get when you are about to go on a first date, which is kind of that nervous excitement feeling mixed with really having your heart broken, mixed with a hunger that can not be filled by anything you eat. It's awful. I had one this morning and once i started eating I couldn't stop. It was unbelievable how much i ate. I had like ten pieces of bacon, two glasses of orange juice, two english muffins, some ice cream, pudding, grahm crackers, granola bars, peanut butter, a ton of sugar free cookies. I started crying and threw everything that i really liked eating away. Not everything but the stuff that i ate too much of at the wrong times i just threw it away. It sucks because I am not a very patient person at all. I wanted to be able to trust myself after a month. I wanted to be able to know that I could do this without any question. I took insulin for everything i ate. I thought about making myself throw up, but i didn't. Today was a bad start. Hopefully it will get better. Hopefully i will get better.

Hindu!!

Ok I have been trying to write this blog for about fifteen minutes now. For some reason I accidentally turned a translation button on somewhere. I was getting so frustrated! Everything i was writing was in Hindu!! I really was getting angry. At one point I think I called the computer a stupid bastard. Well anyway last night was not so good for me. I started having pain in my side again with the rattling noise too. I'm not really sure what it is but i really don't like it. I went to see my new endocrinologist today. He was pretty cool. He was very straight forward about things. He is from Argentina and he kept calling me erwin, which made me giggle inside!! Maybe he will get my name right someday. I kind of liked being called erwin though. It was like I was a different person. I'm kind of just blah again today. I need to find a job to occupy my time. I went to see one of the hospitals yesterday and I really really want to work there. We'll see I guess. My blood sugar was 400 this morning which is not very good, but shit happens i guess. I feel really fat today too. I wish that I could listen to what other people say, like you aren't fat at all, and believe them. It all comes down to what i feel. Even if 1000 model agencies told me I had the perfect body or the really hot guy sitting next to me in the computer lab right now said I was amazingly beautiful, it would still be me that was judging me. That sucks!! oh well, we all have our struggles. I hope everyone is having a glorious day!!

Tough

I can remember one of the worst times that I have had in my life. I was in the hospital. I don't remember how I got there. I know that I was really sick though. I remember I was in and out of it. I remember waking up and throwing up in a trash can. My boyfriend was there at the time. I wasn't embarrassed or anything. He had seen a lot worse from me I'm sure. I fell back asleep. When I woke back up my dad was by my side. His head was in his hands. I kind of just sat there and I could feel my heart breaking, because I knew what I was doing to myself all along. For the first time though i saw what I was doing to the people most important to me. I will never forget that night. I'll never forget the voicemail from my brother telling me that he loved me. I have hated myself for what i put people through. Anyway I was just thinking about that...

Good Weekend

Well this weekend was pretty good. I finally got out of the rv!!! yah!! it really wasn't that bad, but I just needed my space! I am so thankful though to my parents and family. I have made such a turn around in my life and it feels so good. I have never lasted a month with trying to be healthy and do things right. Ok well now on to the bad stuff. Last night I couldn't sleep and I just got this hunger craving I wanted to eat everything in the whole house. The worst part is that I really wanted sugar. I didn't eat any sugar but i did eat some crackers, a granola bar, and a piece of pizza. I was kind of bummed that i slipped a little bit but I took insulin for what I ate and had a good workout this morning. I guess i am just ok right now. I'm neither good nor bad. I guess I'm just kind of bored. Once I find a job it will get better i think. I need to keep myself busy cause when I have nothing to do, I just eat!! Hope everyone's weekend went fantastic!!!

Family

Two days ago I got see one of my very best friends. Keep in mind that for the past month I have been hanging out with a six year old, a four year old and a two year old. It hasn't been that bad. Harrison and i have had some deep, meaningful conversations about how far he got on his star wars computer game. Needless to say i was very happy to see one of my friends, even if it was just for a couple of hours. Now my friend and i have the perfect relationship. I love that we can talk for thirty minutes about going to the bathroom and we are genuinely interested in what the other one has to say. We could talk for hours about shetland ponies. We make each other laugh until it hurts and everyone else around us is like, what the hell are they laughing about. They just don't get it. That's what I love about her. She just gets it. Well, anyway yesterday I had a long time to think. I started thinking about my friend. I thought about all my close friends. You know who you are. The ones that find you in a bathroom passed out cause you were so dehydrated from throwing up. The ones that sit with you in the hospital day after day. The ones that go get your medicine no matter what time of day or no matter how far away it is. The ones that make you laugh until your stomach hurts. The ones that sit on a porch for hours talking about nothing and everything in the same. The ones that tell you to stop eating the cookies and don't get mad when you hate them for just a second. The ones that are there for you no matter what hell and worry you have put them through. These people in my life are not my blood. I don't spend the holidays with most of them. We don't have big annoying reunions, but these friends are just as much my family as any other member of the clan. I love them with all my heart and I would not be alive today with out each and every one of them in some way!! Thank you for all the love and support you have given me. I love you guys! Long live the shetland king!

Almonds

So yesterday started off with me being pissed off at my low blood sugar, and for no reason at all ,bananas. My day got better, but after it got worse first. I went to the pharmacy to get a refill on my test strips to test my blood sugar. Of course there was a problem. Why wouldn't there be? They told me that insurance wouldn't pay for them until it was a month since the last time i got them. Ok first of all I get 50 test strips each time. For all you mathematically challenged that is less than two a day when I am supposed to be checking it at least four times a day. I got pretty mad. It's like I'm in the middle of this sick joke where i am trying my hardest and every pharmacist is out to get me!! So I got a little angry, and in my anger I stopped at the ice cream section, the candy section, and the section with the delicious, all time favorite twinkie!! I just looked though and wanted. I opted for a can of roasted almonds. Well, while the whole can only had 12 carbs, the calories were around 800. That is like two meals for me. I ate the whole thing. I was like this unstoppable beast with these almonds! They are really good. Of course after each handful I kept telling myself to stop, but i just couldn't. I then got really angry at myself for my little moment of weakness. I had to really stop and kind of just talk to myself. The people in cars beside me probably thought i was some kind of crazy person. First throwing handfuls of almonds in my mouth like it was the only thing I had eaten in weeks then trying to calm myself down by talking to myself!! I went shopping to ease my anger a little. They had a sale on flip flops and I felt like i was being rewarded for picking up almonds instead of twinkies. All in all it was a kind of not so good day but I made it through and today is full of all new things! I hope everyone has a great day!!

I just wanna sleep

I had a low blood sugar at about 4 this morning. I JUST WANNA SLEEP!!! If my blood sugar is too high, i have to get up and go pee every thirty minutes. If my blood sugar gets too low, i wake up shaking in cold sweats feeling like a freaking monster that has to have food! I just want to sleep a night the whole way through. For eight years now every time i blow out candles on a cake, have an eyelash on my cheek, or get the bigger piece of a wishbone i wish for just one day. I wish for just one day that I feel good. I have perfect blood sugars. My fingers don't bruise after each prick. I don't start to bleed after each shot. My stomach doesn't hurt after each meal, and a full nights sleep. Just one day of feeling good. I don't even wish for my diabetes to be gone. Now I just want one day. I'm kind of down today. That low blood sugar this morning just really pissed me off. The only thing that could have made it worse would have been if the only thing i had that could bring it back up was a banana! Man, I hate bananas. I don't even know why but just the thought of them makes me angry.

Oh what a morning!

I woke up this morning at 7 again. I need to be getting up at 6, but everytime my alarm goes off i push snooze. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it!! My blood sugar was almost 400 too. I expect it to be high in the mornings and plus I have been sick, so I guess that is why. Who knows, right? I could have had a nightmare that scared me, sending out some unknown hormone that spiked it up! I never really know, but I'm doing the best I can, I'm checking everything and taking my medicine, so it's just a trial and error period. I am definitely on a freaking roller coaster of emotions. One minute I will be so happy and proud of myself and then the next minute I'm crying feeling like a failure. I don't know. It's only been three weeks and I have come a long way, so I guess I'm doing ok! On a lighter note, I love my siblings to death but the past three weeks have taught me some things. 1. I am totally not ready to have kids!! Babies are adorable, but so are little monkeys and I don't need one of those. 2. I have realized that I am a pretty patient person, but when I have reached my point, i have to make myself stop and breathe so I don't go all crazy on everyone. 3. I may need to be put in jail or some kind of facility like that because the thought has crossed my mind of just punching one or more of them in the face. Last, Lila is perfect. She will never do wrong in my eyes!. Sure my eardrums start to bleed when she screams, but the dimple in her cheek when she smiles makes everything al better! That's it for now. I hope everyone is having a great day that is a start to a wonderful week!

Laughter is the best medicine

I can't sleep, so I am writing on here again. I laughed today. The kind of laugh that brings tears to your eyes and makes your stomach hurt. The women in my family have the ability to laugh this way about nothing at all. It can be just two of us or all of us together. We could laugh for thirty minutes about a peanut sitting on a table and by the end of it all, no one knows what we were laughing at in the first place. I love it!! Earlier tonight it was about different salad toppings with my mom. Thinking about the conversation later I cried. I cried because I had not felt that good in a very long time. I cried because even though it lasted for only ten minutes, i had never felt more alive. I want to spend this blog talking about my mom for a bit. She is the strongest person I have ever known. My brother and I alone have probably put a few gray hairs on her head. Ok a side note. while writing this i just had a low blood sugar. I freaking hate low blood sugars. Bananas and low blood sugars are like buddies out to ruin anyone's day! Anyway like I was saying my mom is a very strong person, but everyone says that about their mother. I respect my mom more than anything. Anything great that my life will become, it is because of her. She can be in such a stressful situation and handle it with such calmness and grace. She amazes me everyday how she handles two grown children, three children under the age of seven, a husband, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, having a strong faith, home schooling, dealing with everyday challenges, all while living in an RV!!! While being with her these past three weeks we have spent a lot of time together and had a lot of tough conversations. I have a tattoo that says Agape, which means love of the family or unconditional love. My mom is the heart of that. She is what makes jake, greyson, harrison, lila and I whole. Not a lot of people can say that they have a close relationship with their mothers. Even less consider their mother to be one of their best friends. I am so lucky and fortunate to be able to say both. I love you mom.

Wow this is difficult!

Ok so this is my first blog on here and it's gonna be long. I don't really know where to begin. I can remember when I was fifteen. It was close to my birthday and I was sitting in a bathroom asking my mom why i was so thirsty and having to pee all the time. She was a nurse so she had her suspicions. She calmly told me that it could be Juvenile Diabetes. I knew what it was cause I had participated in The Walk For the Cure before. I didn't really know what to think. I was at an age where so many things in my life already were confusing enough. I started to cry and I just said that i didn't want to have Juvenile Diabetes. I wish it were that simple. If I didn't want it than it wasn't going to be that. I would just have the flu or something. Close to a week later, I was sitting in the doctors office and they pricked my finger. No one likes to get their finger pricked, but this one was different. This one would determine a lifetime of multiple finger pricks, everyday. Obviously it showed that this would be my reality. After four days of a complete course in what i was supposed to do, how to do it, and what would happen if i didn't, i was still just as confused. I was thrust back at home with so many books and websites to learn more of what was right to eat, what i should stay away from and what was gonna basically kill me. From this moment up to about three weeks ago i went down a dark, deep path that almost led to my death. I completely pushed away anything that had to do with diabetes. I was sixteen. I had better things to worry about like football games, dates, and new jobs. I was a pretty average size for a girl my age. I was never fat, but i was never really skinny either. When i was seventeen for some reason i gained a lot of weight. I wanted to be that skinny girl. I started to make myself throw up. In the shower mostly. I would take three showers a day just to throw up. I would also do it at night, when everyone was asleep. I lost some of the weight, but not enough. Keep in mind that i was still not taking my medicine, checking my blood sugar, eating right, or even caring that i had diabetes all together.

I went to college two and a half hours away from my family. This is where it got bad. I figured out that i could not take my medicine, eat a ton of food and not have to throw up anymore. In doing this though i was slowly, but surely committing suicide. I lost a lot of weight really fast so i thought this was awesome! At first I could go about a month barely taking my medicine and i would be ok. the month turned into a week then into just days. I have been in the hospital six times now with ketoacidoses. I became obsessed with food and my weight. The more i ate the more weight i lost. It was so cruel though because i started getting really sick. I would sleep for hours and hours, waking up with just enough time to go throw up because my blood sugar was so high. I would eat boxes of pop tarts, whole pizzas, ten pieces of bread, a whole bag of chips, 5 bagels, gallons of juice, or liters, of coke just so I could pass out for a few more days. I can remember not having any money or food in my house. That is when I found one of my favorite things to eat, tubs of peanut butter with cups of sugar mixed in. It was cheap and tasted like a peanut butter cookie. I can remember on holidays waitng until my whole family was asleep and pushing as many cookies as i could into my mouth. Rearranging the rest of them so no one noticed that i ate so many. I would wake up every thirty minutes at night so I could use the bathroom. I can't remember when I actually slept a full night. There would be a lot of times that i would cry and pray to god. Some nights it would be,"please, don't let me die, please god don't let me die." Other nights it would be," I just want to die. I want to die so I don't have to feel this way anymore." I wanted to stop so many times, and I tried a lot of times too. I would start to take my shots, check my sugar, eat right, and even exercise. Everytime about a week into it I would start to gain weight and go straight back to my normal habits. I started to feel safe in my sugar fixes. If I was stressed i would go eat a lot and then pass out for a day. This way I wouldn't have to deal with things that bothered me. I knew that things were getting bad when my breathing was different. Short and sharp. I knew it was time for me to go into the hospital at these points. Even not being able to breathe, my whole body hurting, my heart feeling like it was going to explode cause it was beating so fast and spending countless days in a hospital bed did not turn me away from what I was doing. I was so far into it, I didn't know how to get out.

About three weeks ago I went into the hospital with ketoacidoses for the very last time. Sitting in the waiting room, feeling defeated and exhausted in every way, i knew i needed help. I am now getting that help from my family and a team of doctors. I still struggle every minute of every day. I'm terrified that i will go back to my old ways. I get frustrated by the small things. I want to quit sometimes. I'm alive though and I have made the choice that I'm gonna start really living. My life is worth something so much more than i can even imagine. So this is the start of my blog page. I will try to write as much as I can and I hope that you will follow along with all of my ups and downs. I have a long way to go but now I truely know that I will get there.