again...

i know i say this every six to eight months but i really am going to try and write on here more.  so lets catch up!!!

well since i last wrote on here my ankle is doing better, my blood sugar is finally, after 11 years, under my control, the best it can be anyway. i am living in nashville and i am starting a non profit organization called it takes two to help kids. i know that is kind of vague but i will get into that more later.

so, it has been 11 years since being diagnosed and for the very first time i feel like i may be handling things with ease.  i think what i had to realize is that taking one day at a time and living that day the best way you know how is all you can really do. i guess that can be applied to many different aspects of life.  the way i feel now is that i have one life and everyday that i live it not to its fullest is such a waste.  yes, i still struggle with diabetes and yes i still sometimes have bad days. i think now though i realize that its just one day. 24 hours. not forever.  i also think i had to realize that the time i have left in this life is not guarenteed. i don't want to give up any second to anything that isn't making me happy. example, strawberry cupcakes.  i really don't know why but just the thought of strawberry cupcakes makes me happy!!

well that is gonna be it for today. short and sweet but i promise promise promise i am going to take a little time each day to write. not that anyone every reads this but i guess that was a promise to myself more than anything :)

So full of emotion

I don't even know what to describe how i am feeling right now. i just feel so lucky and loved and excited. I am scared, shocked, nervous, anxious, happy, and blessed. i am going to do some pretty fun and rewarding things in the next couple of weeks. i wish i had so much money so i could just do stuff like this all the time!!!!

Crossroads

           Ahh.  My life.  26 years, 8 months, and 24 days.  In this time there have been many many smiles. There have been many laughs and there have been many tears. There have been some unforgettable moments. Ones that i would like to forget but i know will stay with me until the day i die.  Many friends have come and gone leaving something with me every time and there have been ones that have been there for every single second that passed.  So many talks about life, love and how to get through it all. talks about tv shows, moments in history that define who we are and what we will be.  Talks about music that touches our soul and changes us forever.  There are thousands of talks, laughs, and moments that i am sure i have forgotten and wish i could remember them all.  In my life there has been love. Love that runs deep and love that hurts. Love from those unexpected and love that never could be returned.  There have been decisions made that I wish i could undo.  There have been choices that i knew without a doubt were the right ones and there were some that i had to take a minute to think over.  Over these years i have grown physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have had to deal with things head on and sometimes pushed away things that seemed impossible to deal with at all.


              Ten years,  7 months, and 26 days ago something happened in my life that changed everything about me.  Changed who i was, how i thought, and how i lived.  I changed how i loved, how i looked at people, and how i valued things.  Now if you had asked me then i would have said that it was the worst thing to happen in my life.  As far as i knew my life had ended.  Little did i know that it had just begun.  I had no idea that i was about to go down a road that would bring me closer to death than i could possibly imagine, that i would really feel like what it was to feel yourself dying.  Feel your breath slowly be taken away from you and there was nothing you could do but lay on the floor and let it. Many times i have found myself in this position. I have felt my heart hurt and beat to a race that i thought was going to kill me.  I traveled down this road thinking i had a choice. Thinking that what i was doing  to myself was my own fault. Not taking medicine was my own issue that if i could just get over i could save my own life.  Now i know that my life had already been saved. Laying on my floor thinking that my life was gonna end or laying in a hospital bed barely hanging on was never god saving me. He had already done it. Every time i thought i had run out of time and every time i found myself praying over and over to just give me one more day to make it right, there was a voice inside me saying, "get up erin. get up. it's not over for you. this is not what i wanted for you. you have so much more to do. you have so much more to give."  I got up time and time again. i got up with just enough strength, just enough time to call someone for help.  i got up with a will that i never knew i had and often times i forget that i have.  I got up because this life, my life is meant to do something amazing. Ten years ago i was given a gift that has taken me down such a bittersweet path. A path filled with hurt, tears, pain, love, laughter, strength, knowledge, and courage to do what i know i was meant to do. What i was meant to be.

              Right now i start another path. Today i hit a crossroads that is turning me onto another road. I have gone through the first leg of my journey and now it is time to make things happen. Now it is time to take the past ten years and use them to follow this next path.  Use what i have learned, what i have gained, and what i have lost to change a view someone has, to change the way a heart beats, or to change the seemingly impossible.

Stay tuned...

Walking

walking is a lot harder than i remember it. the past two days i have been walking without crutches and for the most part it has been good. of course it hurts and of course it gets swollen. the doctor says that is totally normal though.  the thing that is kind of bothering me is the the sound of grinding bones or joints going in and out of spaces in between these said bones. it doesn't really hurt. just the sound alone is making me want to grit my teeth.  i guess i shouldn't complain though. at least i am walking. so what if i have a permanent gangster lean. i'm cool with it.  my doctor told me though the other day he was very proud of me for the recovery that i have made. he said that most people that he sees that had what i had come back months later and they have to cut off their foot or leg. i will take that to mean i am a success!!

A Hard Lesson

 i am just so pissed off today and i know why but i hate it when i get this mad over things i can not change. For instance, my blackberry is not charging for some reason. i don't even use the phone anymore but i was gonna sell it and it somehow sensed that i was gonna sell it and just stopped working. i found myself literally cussing at this stupid machine that wasn't gonna work either way.  It makes me realize that i'm not mad at the blackberry i am just taking it out on the poor thing. I'm mad because i get so worked up over people. people that shouldn't even matter but they know exactly how to push all my buttons. i get so mad at these people and they are just going about their day without a care in the world. i get so mad at people that claim to be your friend, claim to care about you but then in the same breath forget who you are like you never mattered to them in the first place. ugh! it really makes me want to punch things.  then i find it so hard to quit talking to them.  Why can't i just let people go? Why can't i just cut someone out of my life if they obviously are not good for me and bring me down time and time again. Ugh Ugh Ugh!

this had nothing to do with diabetes, i just needed to vent before i exploded.

cupcakes

now i don't know if you knew this about me but i really love cupcakes, even more than i love little puppies, even more than tea in the morning. i love cupcakes even more than i love justin timberlake, which is a lot. i just love the way i feel when i eat them. it is like getting a massage, while drinking tea, with a puppy in my lap, listening to justin sing to me. it is amazing!! i wish i had one right now. i wish i had a dozen right now!!! Strawberry ones are the best that i have had so far. i did have one that was a peach cobbler and it was pretty sensational. What is your favorite kind of cupcake??

Happy New Year!!

It's 2010 and it is a brand new year full of so many things for everyone. some good some bad. it is a year of goodbyes. a year of new beginnings. a year of hopes and dreams. a year of birth and also death. it is so amazing to me to think of everything that will happen in this year. some things will be expected like graduations or birthdays. some will not like a promotion or affair. tears will be shed. tears of joy and tears of sadness. songs will be sung. you know someone out there right now is singing i'm too sexy by right said fred.

 a new year. it's such a blessing to have this new year. i don't even care what it brings. i don't care if this year... this year could be the one that i get my yorkie. this year i get an amazing job that is unexpected.  i have a whole new year. a year to make my own. 365 days to make choices, to wake up, smiling, and to do everything that i dream about doing.  this year i get to chose who i am to love and i get to say this is enough when i hurt. i get to say you know what diabetes i am not gonna let you make me feel bad. i am not gonna let you take away my days or nights. i will not let you take my life and make it any less than what it was meant to be because you know what i am meant to be great. maybe not to hundreds and maybe not in amazing ways but i am meant to be great to at least one. i am meant to be a great big sister and i am meant to be a great daughter. i am meant to be a great friend and soon i am meant to be a great nurse. one day i will be a great wife and i know i am meant to be a great mom.  this year will be filled with thousands of test strips for my blood sugar. this year will be filled with hours of trying to figure out what to eat, when to eat, and how much insulin to take. nights of low blood sugars and painful shots.

this year there will be more than one moment of weakness. there will be more than one moment when i say, "i can't." i can't do it anymore. i can't get up again and stumble to the kitchen to find anything that will stop me from shaking. i can't take another shot and i can't stop thinking about this disease.

i'm meant to be great though. this year i am meant to be great.