The bigger picture

I'm letting go. I'm ready to let go of all that has built up around me. I'm ready for my heart to beat with out having to catch my breath. I'm letting go of past relationships that i have wanted or needed an acceptance from because no man starting with my father never made me feel like i had. I was never able to let go of men that i was with because i needed for them to say that they needed me, that they were so unbelievably lucky to have me in their life, that they needed my love just as much as i needed theirs. If i never got that from them then i would hang on. hang on until every part of me, every part of who i am was gone. Well, I'm letting go. This all starts with the one person who started it all. The one person who was responsible for bringing me into this world, but had no idea what to do with the life that followed. I'm tired of hating him. I'm letting go of all the words that were spoken and all the love that was never shown. It makes my heart so heavy that i have no room to feel the love that i deserve to feel. it makes me doubt anything good that could come into my life. it makes me believe that there will never be someone who doesn't have to say they care or love me because they need my forgiveness. Well, i'm letting go. I'm for once drying my eyes to the pain of not having him love me the way that i should be loved. the way a daughter should feel like she his her dad's favorite little girl. I have an amazing man in my life that decided to love my mother the way that she deserved to be loved and he decided to take on this little girl and make her feel like she mattered and she was absolutely beautiful. I love you Bart and I am so fortunate that you decided to take a chance on loving not only my mom but me as well.

I'm letting go of the grudge i have of the cards that have been dealt to me. So, i don't have the best of hands. I have a disease that takes patience and it takes strength. It takes discipline and it takes an unbelievable amount of will power. But you know what, i have all of those things. I have an enormous amount of debt and I have things that weigh on my shoulders. But you know what, each day is a day that i can take a step. a step towards a life that is what i am meant for. I'm letting go of feeling sorry for myself because i have problems. Because you know what, everyone does.

So I'm letting go of the past twenty-five years and moving forward, looking forward with a free heart. I used to say that my heart was so broken from things in my past and i wasn't sure if i could ever put it back together but now i realize that it was never broken. It was just buried under all the things i had put upon it.

P.S. I had a great birthday!!