It's only life

It's only life right? As I sit here and drink my diet cherry coke there are so many thoughts that swirl through my head like waves crashing into the shore. I want to release them and unleash them but it seems that every time I try to speak them it all gets jumbled in a tangled mess of words that I have never even thought of. Life is so crazy and I have to stop myself and wonder, is it supposed to be like this? Does everyone think like this? The answer of course is yes. It's like I have too many question that don't get answered fast enough, or if they get unswered aren't clear enough. I think I ask God everyday if this is where he wants me to be. Is this what I'm supposed to be doing right now. My mom was telling me about church on sunday cause I missed it and the pastor talked about not asking God when we make decisions. Like we say, "It's ok God, I got this one. You take a break I think this is easy enough for me to handle." I believe I do that on a daily basis. When I take control of sitations that are so much bigger than me. It is so hard for me to not control things though. Obviously I have had a hard time with it in many aspects of my life and as much as I want to even say that I have control over my life I really have no say so what so ever!!

I'm at a point in my life right now where I really want to find someone to spend my time with and really enjoy their company. I want to be able to share with them and laugh with them, be crazy with them and just be completely myself with them and them love me so much for it. I pass someone on the street and think could that be the guy? I know it is stupid but it consumes me. I know people say that when you stop wanting it so bad is when it will happen, but do we ever really stop wanting that?

I'm 24 and it breaks my heart that at 16 I had to face some things that most teenagers don't. What breaks my heart even more is that after 9 years of day in and day out of fighting a disease that i can not beat I still make the same mistakes. After almost dying not once, not even twice I still creep up on the idea everyday. In a sense a lot of me was already dead but my heart was still beating. i still do not take care of myself the way I should. I pray everyday for God to show how to do it, how to get through each day, how to be so strong and so steady to stay in a routine that does not fit everything that I want to do. I pray cause i just don't know. I'm not certain about anything. I'm so confused and so unsure of my life it's like I am trying to glue back a broken heart with all the wrong kinds of glue. It holds for a minute and then just falls apart again. I desperately want to find that glue that actually holds for a lifetime. I was watching a show tonight on eating disorders and for a moment I wanted it back. I wanted the control of knowing exactly what i was doing to myself. i started to cry cause how could anyone ever want that? How could anyone especially someone who has been so blessed to want the life of total hurt and a life of total darkness. For a split second I wanted the control back.

Like I said before I have so many questions that the answers just aren't coming fast enough. I try to figure them out on my own and I end up going around in circles like a dog chasing his tail. Some days i have enough faith for a whole city and then some days it seems I don't have enough faith to open my eyes in the morning. Questions and prayers that are sometimes answered with out me even knowing it, are the little gifts that I take for granted everyday. I don't know if I am supposed to love, live, laugh, cry, hope, or dream. There are so many things that i am unsure of and there are so many doubts that creep up in the middle of the night, but one thing i know is that I am alive and i can choose to love, live, laugh, cry, hope, and dream. That has to be worth something...