Wow this is difficult!

Ok so this is my first blog on here and it's gonna be long. I don't really know where to begin. I can remember when I was fifteen. It was close to my birthday and I was sitting in a bathroom asking my mom why i was so thirsty and having to pee all the time. She was a nurse so she had her suspicions. She calmly told me that it could be Juvenile Diabetes. I knew what it was cause I had participated in The Walk For the Cure before. I didn't really know what to think. I was at an age where so many things in my life already were confusing enough. I started to cry and I just said that i didn't want to have Juvenile Diabetes. I wish it were that simple. If I didn't want it than it wasn't going to be that. I would just have the flu or something. Close to a week later, I was sitting in the doctors office and they pricked my finger. No one likes to get their finger pricked, but this one was different. This one would determine a lifetime of multiple finger pricks, everyday. Obviously it showed that this would be my reality. After four days of a complete course in what i was supposed to do, how to do it, and what would happen if i didn't, i was still just as confused. I was thrust back at home with so many books and websites to learn more of what was right to eat, what i should stay away from and what was gonna basically kill me. From this moment up to about three weeks ago i went down a dark, deep path that almost led to my death. I completely pushed away anything that had to do with diabetes. I was sixteen. I had better things to worry about like football games, dates, and new jobs. I was a pretty average size for a girl my age. I was never fat, but i was never really skinny either. When i was seventeen for some reason i gained a lot of weight. I wanted to be that skinny girl. I started to make myself throw up. In the shower mostly. I would take three showers a day just to throw up. I would also do it at night, when everyone was asleep. I lost some of the weight, but not enough. Keep in mind that i was still not taking my medicine, checking my blood sugar, eating right, or even caring that i had diabetes all together.

I went to college two and a half hours away from my family. This is where it got bad. I figured out that i could not take my medicine, eat a ton of food and not have to throw up anymore. In doing this though i was slowly, but surely committing suicide. I lost a lot of weight really fast so i thought this was awesome! At first I could go about a month barely taking my medicine and i would be ok. the month turned into a week then into just days. I have been in the hospital six times now with ketoacidoses. I became obsessed with food and my weight. The more i ate the more weight i lost. It was so cruel though because i started getting really sick. I would sleep for hours and hours, waking up with just enough time to go throw up because my blood sugar was so high. I would eat boxes of pop tarts, whole pizzas, ten pieces of bread, a whole bag of chips, 5 bagels, gallons of juice, or liters, of coke just so I could pass out for a few more days. I can remember not having any money or food in my house. That is when I found one of my favorite things to eat, tubs of peanut butter with cups of sugar mixed in. It was cheap and tasted like a peanut butter cookie. I can remember on holidays waitng until my whole family was asleep and pushing as many cookies as i could into my mouth. Rearranging the rest of them so no one noticed that i ate so many. I would wake up every thirty minutes at night so I could use the bathroom. I can't remember when I actually slept a full night. There would be a lot of times that i would cry and pray to god. Some nights it would be,"please, don't let me die, please god don't let me die." Other nights it would be," I just want to die. I want to die so I don't have to feel this way anymore." I wanted to stop so many times, and I tried a lot of times too. I would start to take my shots, check my sugar, eat right, and even exercise. Everytime about a week into it I would start to gain weight and go straight back to my normal habits. I started to feel safe in my sugar fixes. If I was stressed i would go eat a lot and then pass out for a day. This way I wouldn't have to deal with things that bothered me. I knew that things were getting bad when my breathing was different. Short and sharp. I knew it was time for me to go into the hospital at these points. Even not being able to breathe, my whole body hurting, my heart feeling like it was going to explode cause it was beating so fast and spending countless days in a hospital bed did not turn me away from what I was doing. I was so far into it, I didn't know how to get out.

About three weeks ago I went into the hospital with ketoacidoses for the very last time. Sitting in the waiting room, feeling defeated and exhausted in every way, i knew i needed help. I am now getting that help from my family and a team of doctors. I still struggle every minute of every day. I'm terrified that i will go back to my old ways. I get frustrated by the small things. I want to quit sometimes. I'm alive though and I have made the choice that I'm gonna start really living. My life is worth something so much more than i can even imagine. So this is the start of my blog page. I will try to write as much as I can and I hope that you will follow along with all of my ups and downs. I have a long way to go but now I truely know that I will get there.