Today

Well the past couple of days have been tough. I have lost control of taking care of myself, and the one thing I could control hurt me just as much. Making myself throw up is such a gratification for me cause when everything around me is spinning it's the one thing that i have complete control of. It sucks. I'm going to talk to a counselor soon. Sometimes i sit and think about what i want my life to be and all the things that I want to make me happy. When looking at the big picture it seems so far away. It seems like an inevitable failure. All of this is so hard for me. It's even harder to share it with everyone. I think a lot of people for a long time have thought of me as this easy going, fun person. This has made me realize that everyone has shame for something. Everyone is afraid of something that is bigger than themselves. I know I'm not alone in this. I know my family and friends are there at the drop of a hat. I still feel so alone though sometimes. Today has been better. I haven't wanted to eat or throw up. I've taken my blood sugar and haven't eaten anything that I shouldn't have. Somehow I still don't feel in control. I still feel like everything around me is spinning out of my grasp and the more I try to hang on the farther everything gets. This whole thing will hopefully make me a stronger person cause I know it's definitely not going to kill me.