Hiding

Umm. This post is gonna be hard for me to write but I feel like I need to. I din't take my blood sugar all day yesterday. I took insulin but i don't really know if it was enough. or where my blood sugar was at all day. The worst part was that I made myself throw up yesterday. I ate as much as i could and then threw it all up. I don't even really know why. I don't feel like i am fat or anything. But it felt so good. It was like I was giving in to my addiction, but it felt so good. After I kind of didn't know what to do except cry. My aunt text me soon after that and I wanted so badly to just tell her. To reach to her for something, some kind of help. I couldn't though. I was afraid and ashamed of what she would think or what my whole family would think. Thoughts crossed my mind of they would make me stop, but did I really want to continue anyway. i sat and cried with the phone in my hands not knowing what to do. The past couple of days I have felt really good. I wonder though if it is because for the past couple of days i haven't been taking care of myself like I should. The past couple of days I have been comfortable in the hell of hiding like older days. My throat hurts today from yesterday, and I sit and cry as i write this. I cry because i know that I have a long way to go. I have struggles, and i have demons that i have to face. Most of me just wants to turn away from them and never look back. They won't ever go away though if I do that. I'm human and it's gonna not be easy. I'm more sure than anything i want to get better. I want to live a happy healthy life. It's getting to that life that I'm so unsure of...